The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Darqueeze, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the principal asked him the question.
"Darqueeze," he said, "How much is three times seven?" He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"
Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and then all the students began another chant.........
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
They are driving down the road in the countryside in Transylvania, when a tiny vampire lands on the windshield of the car.
Sister Helen, who is driving, says to Sister Mary: "Oh no! What do we do?!?!?!?"
Sister Mary says "Turn on the windshield wipers!"
Sister Helen turns on the windshield wipers, but the tiny vampire clings on.
Sister Helen turns to Sister Mary and says "What do we do?"
Sister Mary says "Hit the window washer!"
The vampire hisses as the water burns his skin, but he still clings to the window.
Sister Helen says "What do we do NOW?!?!?!"
Sister Mary says "Show him your cross!!!"
Sister Helen says "Now you're talking!!!"
Sister Helen unrolls the window and yells "GET THE F**K OFF THE CAR!!!"
He he he! 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
How can you tell when it's Sunday in Chicago?
1. The Italians are cooking.
2. The Irish are hung over.
3. The Jews are in Skokie visiting relatives.
4. The Mexicans are trying to get their cars started.
5. The Blacks are in jail.
6. And the Pollocks think it's Tuesday!
When he got there he saw a truck from the state Fish and Game commission, and he learned that they had recently stocked a new kind of fish in that lake that was supposed to get big and was very good to eat. When he asked what the new fish was called he was told...son-of-a-b*tch.
He went fishing and caught a really big one. Big enough to feed all the people that would be there for dinner that night. He was real proud of it too.
He walked back to the abbey and went into the kitchen where Sister Agnes was preparing the meal.
"Brother John, did you have any luck?" she asked.
"Yes I did Sister", he exclaimed. "I caught this big son-of-a-b*tch here!" And he raised it up to show her.
"Brother John! Please watch your language, you're in God's house!"
"On no Sister, I didn't mean it THAT way, son-of-a-b*tch is what this kind of fish is really called."
"Oh, in that case then I must admit it really is a nice son-of-a-b*tch and I'll cook it up good for us!"
So Sister Agnes prepared the fish as the Bishop arrived and they all sat at the table as she proudly brought it in.
"Bishop Kelly", she announced, "I present to you this beautiful big son-of-a-b*tch that our Brother John just caught today. Tell us about it Brother John".
"Well", Brother John said, "I went out in the morning at the north end of the lake and started to fish for a son-of-a-b*tch and I caught this big son-of-a-b*tch that's on the table now. Then I carried that big son-of-a-b*tch back and gave the son-of-a-b*tch to sister Agnes to cook for us and she's done a real fine job with the son-of-a-b*tch."
The Bishop's jaw dropped. He looked around the table at Sister Agnes, Brother John and the rest of the Brothers at the table. Then a big smile came across his face, he let let out a chuckle, winked at them and said....
"Hey, you f**kers are ALL RIGHT!"
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The Veterinarian man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile)
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
The lady starts taking off her panties but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"
A passing hobo stops and says,
"Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said
"Hell no! Get away from me you sick bastard!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".
Barber reaches over for the aftershave and the pol jumps up and says, "hey, don't put that shat on me, my wife will think I've been at the 'horehouse!"
Steelworker says, "go ahead, slap some on me, my wife has no clue what a 'horehouse smell like."
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this.)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
What a cook sacker he is!!!
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
The girl behind the counter asks him,
"Do you want a drink with that?"
He replies, "I think not"....and POOF, he immediately disappears! . . . .Think about it!
His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,
'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,
'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK! I wish I were along side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich...
beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.' a
***POOF***
He was turned into a Tampon.
Moral of The Story:
If the U.S. Government Offers To Help You, You Can Bet There's Going To Be A String Attached!!!
Shuteye, you're killing me. I now have to clean the keyboard of beer.
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion, after meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
The Psychic by BFH •
Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?’” Obama asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”
Same asylum. A guy is driving his car and gets a flat tire right in front. He goes to change the tire and puts the lug nuts in the hubcab. As he's rolling the tire he accidently knocks the hubcap and all the lug nuts go into a storm sewer.
He sits down and trys to figure out what to do next. He was about to give up and call a tow truck when one of the inmates asks him form inside the chain link fence...
"Hey, why don't you just take one lug nut from the other wheels, put it on that one and that would give you enough to drive to a parts store."
The man realizes that this is a great idea and goes about doing it.
When he's done he says to the inmate....
"Well thank you! That was a great idea. But if you can figue that out, then why are you in there?"
"Well now", say the inmate, "I'm crazy, not stupid!"
As mom and dad wandered the hallways, they got lost. Finally they asked one of the patients how to get out. His answer, "I don't know about you, but I came in the front door."
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear. I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the dog!"
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
He fills out the forms and is led to the exam room where he removes his clothes and puts the gown on.
A few minutes later this really beautiful, curvy female doctor, about 30 years old, enters the room and introduces herself and tells him that she has to ask him a few questions before the exam can begin. She asks him questions about his health background and fills out a chart.
She then tells him, "Well the first thing I will tell you is that you have to stop masturbating."
"Why?", he asks.
"So I can examine you", she responded.
