Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.” The mortician was confused so he asked the men why they had him turn him over and say it wasn't Stanley. Well they said Stanley had two Aholes. What? He asked. Did you ever see them. No but apparently a lot of people in town did because they would always say there's Stanley with the two Aholes.
"Well son", replied the father, "it is an old custom among our people..... when a baby is born, the mother names the child after the first thing she sees after the birth. That is why your sister is named White Dove, and your brother Little Bear....but tell me, Two Dogs F***ing, why do you ask such a question?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Suzy?"
"I wanna be Jimmy ’s whore."
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he replies. "And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, third - whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?" At that moment the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question and answer time. Who has a question?" A different boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks what his name is. ""Johnny, Ma'm."
"And what is your question, Johnny?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?" Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, fifth - where's Kenneth?"
My favorite....
Q. How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done, and one to attempt to screw it into a water faucet.
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence ."
The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader!
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something
"I guess we get the grass cut today."
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican!!!
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: "U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
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We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
On particular Saturday he got up and the weather was REALLY nasty...sleet, freezing rain, 40 MPH winds...the worst he'd seen.
He ate breakfast and put his bow and other gear in his truck and headed out the driveway. He drove for about 20 minutes and it just worse.
He thought to himself, "This is crazy, even for me! I know, I'll head back home, and snuggle back in bed with my wife. She'll be surprised!"
He went back home, put his gear away, went into the bedroom, got undressed and got in bed. His wife was sound asleep with her back towards him. He snuggled up to her and barely whispered in ear...
"Can you believe this horrible weather?"
To which she groggily replied...
"I know. And can you believe my assh*le husband's out bowhunting in it?"
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock'n'Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony with youths."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new youthful ideas."
"All of these ideas have been good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began."
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot'n'Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the roof of the church."
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?? I asked.
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,? I said, I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.
Scientists recently made the discovery and confirmation of the first lesbian and gay dinosaurs.
They plan to call them the "Licalottapus" and the "Megasorass", respectively.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.
You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
An Aggie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aggie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Aggie started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Jerry Springer said he was going to do a part of his show about Ghosts. He asked anyone in the audience that believed in the existence of Ghosts to stand. The majority of the audience stood.
He then asked anyone that had been in the presence of a ghost to remain standing and about half of the people remained standing.
He then asked if anyone had seen a ghost and if so to remain standing. Several remained standing. He then asked if any of them had actually touched a ghost and if to remain standing. Three people remained standing.
He then asked if any of them had experienced intimate relations with the ghost and if so to remain standing. One young man remained standing.
Of course Jerry wanted to talk to this individual in a little more detail. He asked what he did for a living. The young man indicated that he was studying Animal Science at Texas A&M. Jerry then asked if he could share a little more about the sexual experience with the Ghost. The young man said are we talking about Ghosts and Jerry Springer said yes. The young man said I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about Goats.
itshot's Link
Our DOJ.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ....
Now give me back my dog.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
After supper they walked outside and the Texan asked the Rhode Islander to show him his farm. "Well, she runs down to that creek yonder and then over to that big oak on the hill and then back by the front yard."
Said the Texan, "You should come see my ranch outside Dallas. It takes all day to drive around it!"
The old farmer looked at the Texan sympathetically, "Yep.....I know what you mean.....I had a truck like that one time."
They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana on the same day, and it makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently, I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
A married couple in Florida, Tito and Amanda Watts, were arrested a few days ago for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people.
They sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold, and that each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.
Tito Watts said in his police statement: "I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of drugs. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up...."
Amanda Watts said in her police statement:" "We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and do drugs. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."
Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, drug paraphernalia, and a baby alligator.
*****************************************
By the time I'd gotten to "...and a baby alligator...", I'd almost choked on my coffee.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant poison......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
"Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash..."
Sounds to me that there's quite a few folks who are a lot more foolish than Tito and Amanda.
lol
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $2,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, i never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off -- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am... But... I've always wanted to."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US: > 1 - Never be arrogant. > 2 - Don't waste ammunition. > 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. > 4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. > 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
Go up to Joe Biden and ask him if he's got two tens for a five. Repeat until rich.
"...the White House reports...."
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff ... Dad ... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad.. As ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
A couple years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted.
From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound...
With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $205.00 per day in 2010, there is a better way when you get old feeble.
Make reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, its $89.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $115.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant you want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, workout room, lounge, washer and dryers, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
Best of all they treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free or at a discount. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Need a change of scenery? Take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.
If your TV breaks, light bulb need changing, mattress needs replaced it’s no problem... They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
Most have a night security person and all have daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker if need be.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Family can visit anytime. They will always be glad to find you and the grandkids can use the pool. Stay at a cool location and they may even check in for a mini-vacation.
What more could you ask for?
No better way to face those golden years with a grin……*^/
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut!
Rev 8:1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.
As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
The cardiologist, a bit surprised at the request, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a shop rag and said, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took out the valves, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in. When I finished, it worked just like new. So, how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then said to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
:-)
Cowboy Wisdom.
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Only cows know why they stampede.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.
Never miss a good chance to shut up. ..
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip downstairs and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.
"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.
"Hell yes, I remember!" said the devil. "Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back upstairs, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay up here and if not, they go downstairs!" God exclaimed.
"I'll be damned if you're going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent downstairs!" said the devil.
"Now look here! We have an agreement! In THE BOOK---upstairs and not in THE BOOK---downstairs!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God.
"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil laughing.
But it's good....pm me if you like....
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele... So I asked for a copy of the U.S.Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk shouted, "Infidel, get out and stay out, never return!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
"The heads are on the wrong end of some to these nails, they're useless", replied the helper.
To which the carpenter shook his head in dismay, "You dumba$$, those are for the other side of the house!"
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The nun continued and said that she was playing golf and hit the ball out of bounds into the rough. MS - Oh, my child, is that when you cursed?
No, Mother Superior that is not when. After the ball landed, a squirrel picked it up and ran across the fairway.
Oh, heavens said MS, is that when you cursed?
No, Mother Superior that is not when. As the squirrel ran, a hawk swooped down and picked him up with his claws.
Oh my goodness remarked MS, is that when you cursed?
No, Mother Superior that is not when. As the hawk flew off, the squirrel dropped the ball which rolled to one foot of the hole.
MS - "You missed the f#####g putt, didn't you?!!
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.” Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.”And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Tulips on your organ. [rimshot]
"Simple", said Johnny. "I stuff a big potato down into my trunks walk around on the beach. It makes me look sexy."
Next day Johnny met Fred and asked how it was going, but Fred said the girls were avoiding him even more.
Said Johnny, "Put the potato in the front, dummy, in the FRONT!"
A born salesman Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National Guard, got called up to active duty.
Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Ole's sales pitch. Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get yourself kilt, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty dollars a munt , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary $200,000!"
"Now," Ole concluded, "Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"
Perfect common sense to me.
”Ooh”, said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks,” said Paddy.
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."
After a short ring, there was a response, “Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!!! Now how does that sound?"
The male voice responded, "That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
Jane became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake Bob, Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
HELP LINE FOR MEN by Cardigan • 06/13/2015 • 14 Comments
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, and then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
"Well it is a big deal to fix?"
"Naaa, not at all," he says, "Just crap in the carbureator".
"Oh good", say the blond, relieved. "So how often to I have to do that?"
But this may be more like the joke of the year.
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….” The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
After the usual sermon by a preacher and testimonials from friends and colleagues, everyone finally learned the purpose of the huge heart. After a moment of silence, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
The long, stunned hush of the mourners was broken when a man near the front burst into laughter.
The preacher demanded an explanation.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, “I just pictured my own funeral.”
“And why would that be funny?” inquired annoyed preacher.
“I’m a proctologist!” said the man chuckling.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make love. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" "Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
It’s so easy to fool ole folks!!!
The girl at the counter taking the orders asks him what he wants.
"I'll have a Quarter Pounder with cheese", he replies.
"Do you want fries with that?", she asks.
"No, I think not"..........
And POOF, he disappears!
Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara...
In fact, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my testicles really hard.
“With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says…”You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Kansas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
"True Story" (kinda)
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
"I want 8 shots of the oldest scotch you have."
So the bartender looks behind the bar for a minute and then comes up with an old, dusty bottle.
"This is a special bottle of 35 year old scotch that I've been saving."
"Looks good to me", says the man.
So the bartender puts a shot glass out and pours a shot. The man then tells him, "No, I want EIGHT shots please. Set out 7 more shot glasses and fill 'em up."
The bartender then does just that and the man downs the 8 shots as fast as he can pick them up and set them down. After he's done the bartender asks him, ''
"Is this a special occasion or something?"
The man shakes his head and says to him,
"If you got what I got you'd do this too."
The bartender then replies,
"Wow, that sounds bad. What have you got?"
"I got's a dollar."
