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Dontcha feel a lot better...?

Good ones!

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Hillary Clinton fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Hillary Clinton?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher said, "If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan."

The Divorcee

by MJA

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought…well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, ‘Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!’

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, ‘Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’ We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Rick said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’ I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’ He said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.’ After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there on the couch naked.

Me thinks the interviewed Arby's employee has been exposed to way too much nitrous. :^)

I suspect the Arby's employee is an Actor, and saw his chance.

LOL !

An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy, who stopped him.

The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area.

As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him.

They hit the guy 68 times. Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."

Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes.

When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) .. ..

"When you are shot 68 times, you are naturally gonna die."

"Welcome to Florida, Y'all"

I had a '74 Camaro that Baldwin-Motion did some wondrous things to that made it to Woodward at least a couple of times a year from 74 to 76.

Heck, blitzing down I75 from the UP to my friend's home on 14 Mile was nearly as much fun as Woodward. :^)

The bank president is shocked to say the least and he asks her how she acquired so much cash.

"I'm a gambler", she replied.

"A gambler?", asked the banker, "You can't be serious."

"I sure am", she said, then added, "I tell you what, I'll bet you $5000.00 that your right testicle is smaller than your left."

"That's ridiculous", said the banker, "You cannot know that."

"What's the matter, are you afraid to bet a little old lady?"

"Okay", said the banker, "I'll take your bet. Shall we prove it now?"

"No", said the old lady, "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon with my lawyer to make sure everything's legit and above board."

The next afternoon the old lady shows up with her lawyer. They go into the bank president's office, close the door, he then takes his pants down and she then proceeds to hold his testicles so she could measure them when her lawyer suddenly starts crying.

"What's the matter with him?", asked the banker, "I'm the one that's being humiliated".

The old lady smiled and said, "He's crying because yesterday after I met with you, I went to see him and bet him $100,000.00 that by this time tomorrow I'd have the bank president by the balls!"

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry

about my liver."

Babe Ruth

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the

slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way,

the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, reg ular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker

brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

a Professional woman turns around faces a

man at the local bar.

She looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking

I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place,

my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up,

sitting down, It doesn't matter to me.

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

"No kidding... I'm in Government too.

Are you federal or state?

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear, and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first): "Are you reading that paper?"

I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper, and answered, "Yes."

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong.... you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they really were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a new foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman - rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting your pants on.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?

When I married Mrs. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again.

You reign supreme with these posts. Unchallenged.

The Rock

Vegan butcher shop:

And peripherally, his one is for Henry ;o)

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with another strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

And it's been a loooong time since I've seen doors like that it a house, Mr. Mouse.

As I explained this to my seven-year-old son, he asked if Jazzy would go to heaven. I said I thought she would, and that in dog heaven, she would be healthy again and able to do her favorite thing: chase squirrels.

Jacob thought about that for a minute, then said, "So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell."

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?" The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?

Can't speak for everyone, but I find myself suppressing a gag reflex every time I scroll past your last post.

(but it doesn't always work....pardon me while I )

Is it legal to post such a hideous image on the interwebz?

Been trying to find a way to unsee the thing, but that much red wine could kill me.

May have to sue for damages and laser surgery to burn it off my eyeballs...

Wonder if I could get Bad Karma to represent me?

John met the woman of his dreams. Beauty queen with a great body. Loved sex and wealthy. They traveled the world hunting and fishing when they were not scuba diving in the tropics.

Finally John ask her to marry him. She said no and John lived happily ever after.

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says"! The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed - and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion cargado de lena por $100. Su gasto de produccion es........

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

"They're not cheap either," the father came back. "I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Good ones!

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e bay) and ran it up the flag pole ...

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel.

Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot Damn — Safe at last — Ain’t America great or what?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

(see link to embiggen)

By Executive Order #Grecian 16

Why Grandpa's are Better

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

This loving grandfather always made a effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

His wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa; it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.

I really didn't have any fun."

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Most of the newest cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something. Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer. His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something.

So opening day he finally gets to go on his first duck hunt. About a half hour after dawn a pair of mallards fly over and he shoots and knocks one down. He is overjoyed, his first duck! He does have a problem though, the duck fell just over the fence that separates the farms, and by "over" it was 10'. He can see the duck laying there. He ponders the situation for a moment and looks around. No one else is there. He decides that since it's only 10', that he'll just go over the fence, grab the duck and bring it back. He climbs over, picks up the duck and just as he's about to cross back over he hears the loud, gruff voice voice of farmer Jensen who was hiding in the weeds......

"Just what do you think you're doing?? This is MY land, and MY duck because he's on it!"

The hunter explains that he's never been duck hunting before, that this was his first duck, and that he'd REALLY like to have it.

"Well I tell you what," farmer Jensen offers, "If you want that duck so bad let's have a contest. I get to kick you as hard as I can in the groin, and if you can stay on your feet, then you get to kick me in the groin and if I fall down then the duck is yours."

This certainly wasn't the way he wanted his first duck hunt to go, but he had kind of put himself in this position, and he REALLY wanted that duck, so he agreed.

So they squared off and farmer Jensen mad a kick like and NFL punter and raised the poor fellow off the ground, but he summoned up all his strength and will and stayed on his feet!

"Whew!", he thought to himself, "Halfway there." "Okay now Mr. Jensen, my turn."

Farmer Jensen looked at him, grunted and told him.......

"Aw, just keep the stupid duck......."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of $hit.

VERIFICATION: BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION. THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . . There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

“Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of champagne.“Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch”, The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?” Tony Blair walked into the room and said, “Yes, your Majesty?” The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered…”That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.

“Joe, answer this for me.” “Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.”

He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, “Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question. Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Paul Ryan answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Good answer Paul!”

Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.”

“It’s Paul Ryan!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

“NO, You idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

…AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE!!

This is the story of a young female college student flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heartattack and dies. She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says,"I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"

This is a completely true story!!! Many years ago, an old gasoline tractor was found out in a field burnt to a crisp. A gas can was sitting next to the tractor with the top peeled open.

A short time later a teenager showed up at the ER with burns to his face and arms.

He admitted to stealing gas from the tractor for his 3-wheeler. He couldn't see how much he had in the can so he lit his lighter to look inside to see how much he had!!! It blew up in his face and removed every strand of hair from his head and arms!!! He was very lucky it was just a flash explosion and his burns weren't that bad.

Sad thing is, stupidity runs in this family. His older brother's nic name was "no toe". He ran over his foot with the mower and cut off at least one toe a few years before.

So far, none of them have managed to kill themselves....... To everyone's astonishment!!!

the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on

me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he

brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and

night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian

and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby?

Your advice would be appreciated ..... Mad as Hell

Dear Mad as Hell, You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your

bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ......you`re running for President of the United States!

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks. The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

********************************************************

This couple meets in a bar. The man buys her a drink and tell's her,

"I'm a new kind of politician, I never lie."

"Really?", asked the woman, "Then we have similar backgrounds, because I'm a prostitute...and I'm a virgin."

When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

Wife - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. ..... On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.

I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.

Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table.

She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.

Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ...... the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.

Wife - "Bull! You played 36 holes, didn't you!

Hillary Clinton Dog Poop Bags.

... But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

Now that is a REAL JOKE!