The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it."
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English." The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin Ireland, a Canadian couple was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the black man in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
.
After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and said, Would you like to know what the painting is really about??
Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery? asked the husband.
Because I'm the guy who painted it, he replied. In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"........
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "'This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks,
"Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile)
""I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
"Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?
"A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.? Larry." And what is your question, Larry?
I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Thomas?
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY' 'Slow down and watch out for naked chicks!'
On Thursday of this week, I was driving across campus, showing visiting friends from Russia around town.
I looked ahead and there was a car stopped in the middle of the street at the busiest point on campus. Cars were detouring around the obstruction. A woman was standing at the driver's window, leaning in to talk to the occupants.
As we approached, I realized that it was the president of the university. I stopped and stated that they should not block traffic like that as the administration will object.
She laughed, turned around to face me, hiked up her skirt to expose the lower leg and stated "I can stop traffic whenever I want!"
When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment, "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist. Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."
True story I'll tell on myself. Earlier this week I was across the field checking the fence while my wife Kathy was at the house. Suddenly I heard the awfullest yell sounded like a cross between Kathy screaming "Daaviid!" and "Eeyow!". My first thought was "Oh no, something's happened and Kathy's in trouble."
No sooner had I thought that when I heard "Heehaw, heehaw, heehaw." Then I remembered the neighbors had gotten a donkey the other day. I really do need hearing aids.
And yes, I told Kathy. ;)
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like that man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views. Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed, and is more than likely a muslim. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He does not support his own military, and has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both in Washington and in his home town of Chicago, Illinois. The man is the epitome of a loser and is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."
"Why that condition?" questioned the lawyer.
"Because I want at least one person to be sorry I died."
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Blonde Helping a Trucker
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
slade's Link
The coach asks, "Why on earth did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.
At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"
In fact, they don't even call me Too Fast Fingers Freddy.
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?
A: Anything you want she's already been stoned to death.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the Muslim party?
A: It was a blast.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a Islamic extremist?
A: A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.
-------------------------------------------------------
Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages.
They’re calling it ‘Islam’.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago
and they still don't have any Mexicans.
HA/KS's Link
"Donald Trump Caught Plagiarizing Speech From Dark Lord Of The Sith"
She turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
When it's time to pay the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the end of the week when the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can no longer hold back her curiosity and says, "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers can not and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, “How many children do you have ?”
He answered, “12 children.”
The agent asked, “Where are the others ?”
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, “They are in the cemetery with their mother.”
And that’s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
Good one Henry....
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man. I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all! I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted..."
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. ".... I got out of prison."
Henry...a few weeks ago I watched this episode. Streaming!
Aliens had landed on earth. Governments were falling all over themselves to greet them. The Aliens gave them a book, they interpreted the title to all the heads of state.... "To Serve Mankind". Wow! The Secrets of the Universe! All the top minds were assigned to decipher the books language.
By the time they broke the code to the Alien language it was too late.... turns out it was a cookbook.....
In 1860 when Abraham Lincoln was campaigning he stayed with my great great great grandmother. She was pretty bossy and gave him a list of chores to do. Just when he thought he was finished, she told him “Abraham, we are having stew, corn and apple pie for supper. I’ll take care of the stew but you’ll need to shuck the corn and peel the apples.” She then directed him to the front porch where there were two bushel baskets of corn and one of apples. She instructed him to keep shucking and peeling until the baskets were empty.
Now it’s a little known fact that old Abe was actually pretty slow at both jobs. Every so often, Grandma would check on him to see about when it would be time to eat. After checking on him for what seemed to be the hundredth time, she was exasperated and said, “Abraham, how can you expect to lead the country when you can’t even help with supper?”
He replied, “Relax madam, I only have 4 cores and 7 ears to go.”
