Bowsite.com

“We want to honor our president and thank him for all his hard work,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus. “While at the same time, fielding a ship that is more than capable of deploying to hotspots he has sternly tweeted about.”

The planned ship will be an updated design of the Littoral Combat Ship — which many view as one of the best ships in the Navy — though it will have integrated solar panels as its main power source. The USS Thanks Obama will also be put on the water long before its ready and will be billions over budget, in keeping with both Obama administration and Navy tradition.

The Thanks Obama will also have a more modern galley filled with vegan options, a gym that plays “Let’s Move” videos on repeat, and a medical facility with state-of-the-art waiting rooms.

Mabus also said it would be the first ship equipped with a magazine of six auxiliary captains onboard, for rapid firing and replacement.

Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel’s attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground,dead as a doornail. I told Thibodeaux, “It is hard to believe anybody can do that!”

He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, “As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don’t let her hunt anymore, ’cause she messes up the meat too bad.”

The other fisherman replies," If you just go up the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation. He simply said, “I outlived all them a$$holes” - and he calmly returned to his seat.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Because eating cows and pigs would be considered cannibalism!

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.

Elementary teachers love their students.

High school teachers love their subject.

College professors love themselves.

#1.Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,” Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,"Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

#2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

#3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? "The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?

#4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

#5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”

#6. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

#7. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

*And finally...*

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

Reminds me of PSE...

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE . PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.

Stole this from another site I frequent.

But that's not half a scary as the dreaded....

"We need to talk".....in which there's no "WE" doing the talking whatsoever (unless you're in a relationship with Sybil). SHE will be talking....a lot, and constantly. YOU damn sure better listen, or at least act like it. During this conversation you will hear the words, "never", "always", and "why do" either preceded or followed by "you". If the implication is made that a response is expected of you DO NOT RESPOND! This is a rhetorical ruse. Your job is to absorb the emotional venting, which may seem at times like you're at the base of a volcano. And DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, E V E R try to "fix" it!!!!!!

Either way just go to the happy place in your head and endure it.

YOUNG GUYS...PAY ATTENTION HERE!

Truer words have never been written. WW is clearly an enlightened man of great experience in these matters.

I firmly believe this program is part of the pre-installed firmware girls receive during the 9 months of construction. They come from the factory this way!

Been to the alter x4, and those wives included 1 from Canada, 1 from Georgia, another from Calif. and the last from Illinois. On top of that, I've dated women from all over the globe...

...and this program has been active in every single one of them, and in many cases it repeats itself endlessly.

Most times (like 99%) what they are really upset about hasn't a thing to do with you or whatever their carping about. Listen carefully, nod in understanding while offering an occasional "I understand Sweetheart" (only if appropriate).

When the program is about done, there will be tears. This should prompt you to apply an appropriate, support giving hug.

Now, if you are brave enough you can find out what the real issues are. Give your seat belt a tug, grab a high energy snack, and make sure you're squared away before proceeding.....

"Sweetie, I'm glad you were able to get that off your chest, and I'm glad you shared it with me. So, now will you tell me what it is your actually upset about?"

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally wornout and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The French and Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans... 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville , NC .

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Last night, I beat the ever-living cr - p out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins,

not to discuss your community service."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk

Our friend went to the funeral of the mother of a co-worker. An older woman from his church came in and sat down beside him. Since the deceased lived in another town, he was wondering how his fellow church member knew the deceased.

After a while (half way or more through the service), the lady whispered to him (looking at the printed funeral program ) "This doesn't even look like her." "This isn't even her name."

Him, "She went by a nickname."

Her "Oh."

After a few more minutes "This is a funeral!"

"Yes."

"This isn't a birthday party for A_____ L_____?"

"No, it is a funeral for D______ R_____."

"Oh. I am in the wrong place."

The woman had been headed to a birthday party for a friend. Driving down the street, she saw "Methodist" on a sign and cars in the parking lot. She thought she had arrived at her friend's birthday party.

The party was at the United Methodist and the funeral was at the Free Methodist. They are just a couple of blocks apart on the same street.

Our friend managed not to laugh until after the service was concluded!

"Okay, Rover," says the architect. His dog trots over to a table and in 10 minutes constructs a scale model of a split-level doghouse out of toothpicks. The architect says, "Good boy, Rover!" and gives the dog a cookie.

"Hit it, Spot," commands the doctor. Spot fetches a pregnant female poodle and performs an emergency Caesarian section on her, delivering a healthy litter of pups. "Good boy, Spot," the doctor says, and he gives him a cookie.

"That's pretty good," the lawyer says, "but wait till you see what Fido can do. Go get 'em, boy!"

And with that, Fido screws the other two dogs, takes both their cookies, and goes out to lunch.

The 3 kids went for the first viewing of their deceased mother after the mortician had finished his work. The daughter looked at her mom and something just wasn't right.

Somebody asked about her dentures. The mortician assured that he had put them in. One of the sons said, but I have mom's teeth right here in my pocket.

The daughter took herself a few feet away and turned her back to the men. The brothers thought that their sis was sure taking a little thing like dentures very hard.

Then they realized that she was laughing so hard that tears were running down her face. She had figured out what had happened.

Mom had died in a nursing home. She shared one bathroom with another woman and it was THAT woman's teeth that were going to eternity with her mom.

The rest of the story is that the two women never got along, in fact they pretty much hated each other. I don't know who came out better, the woman who had no teeth, or the one who was buried with the wrong ones!

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway…Fortunately, it was not too bad, and I really didn't get hurt ... so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake while I was talking on my cell phone. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pickup came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. It missed our bikes fortunately.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality, you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you below.

P.S. Your girlfriend phoned - she is pregnant.

Your loving wife..

They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT......

.....They started crying and turned around and went home.

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,

'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

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A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

They hire a 60-year old Hispanic gentleman (Jose Senior) and bring a trailer in for him so he lives by the front gate now and keeps an eye on things.

Mid-way through the deer season, all the guys are at the ranch and the wives are coming down for a night on the town. A nice steak dinner in town, a little drinking, little dancing. They let Jose know to be on the look out for the ladies and to escort them to the camp house once they show up.

About 8:00 p.m., the wives roll up in an Escalade, and man are they dressed up. Evening gowns, high heels, make-up, big hair….. Looking like a million bucks. They all get out of the car and start to walk up to Jose's trailer.

Jose comes running out of the tralier, waving his arms and yelling in Spanish… one of the wives gets him calmed down and asks him to speak english, none of them understand Spanish….

Jose slows down, catches his breath and starts shaking his head,…. "No, no no…… no hookers tonight, the wives, they are coming ………"

I was dipping in the work truck and my cousin put his dentures on the dash board. Well my spit cup happened to be in the cup holders below the dentures. One step of the gas and down they went straight in the spit cup. My cousin was not thrilled lol.

Years ago at our camp, I remember some of the guys slipping away to the "clubs" over in St. Louis.....

Thought you would like to be first in line to buy some! "While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked “Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal”.

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said “I can’t get this mower to start”. The little boy said “That’s because you have to swear at it to get it started”.

The preacher said “I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a Christian that I don’t even remember how to swear”. The little boy looked at him happily and said “You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya!”

A RIP OFF!!!!

(YIKES!!!!!)

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Why is sex better than bowling?

Because the balls aren't as heavy and you don't have to change your shoes.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one.

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today." Again I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold…

My Car Was Gone! Amen!

Don't know what their problem is.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”

I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.

I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

American History Review:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Hillary Clinton gets elected."

NOT FUNNY BUT SADLY TRUE.

Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something. So I'm stuck outside with this police officer and they are inside searching through everything, even my laundry.

They checked inside my closets under my mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on. I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching."

Then I yell back, "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He shoots me the "you wanna go to jail?” so I shut up and watch one of the other police officers look down at his phone.

Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"

Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer - No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You cook over burning camel shit

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no Shit, Sherlock!....

It's not like it could get much worse

Huma Cuts Off Her Weiner

I’d Pay This Guy To Follow The Stronger Together Tour Bus

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

didn't give a shit one way or the other.

One I particularly like is if I am holding her and ask if she loves me, she lays her head on my shoulder.

She is sick this week. On the examination table (in a place she had never been before) she wanted to get down and moved to the edge of the table. I told her No, sit, stay, and she did.

The vet (who is far from young) said that he had never seen anything like that from a cat.

We thought she was 12, maybe 13. Unfortunately this week we learned that she is probably 16 or 17. We have had her over 8 years.