IS this a great country or what!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2. On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat
5. Sing along at The Opera
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite...
10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
The doctor gave him some medicine and said, “Let me go get you some water.”
When the doctor got back with the water the man said, “That’s OK doc, it was an awful big pill, but I got er down without the water.”
The doctor said, “You weren’t supposed to swallow that, you were supposed to dissolve it in this basin of water and soak your feet in it.”
A guy is having a serious hemorrhoid issue. He goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him, and then gives him 7 suppositories and says, "Here, use one of these a day for a week and then come back and we'll see how they're working for you."
A week goes by and the man comes back to the doctor. The doctor asks him, "Well did they work for you?'
"Work hell!", the man complained, "For all the good they did me I may as well have just shoved them up my ass!"
the only animal in there was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
HA/KS's Link
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!!!"
Scar.
We have to accept the new TG plug, we just need to make the appropriate connectors so we can use them so they don't feel left out!!
"WE'RE NUMBER 1 IN THE NUMBER 2 BUSINESS!"
Anony Mouse's Link
Reagan and Lincoln Tied for 1st 14 others tied for 2nd 17 others tied for 3rd 10 others tied for 4th Obama got 5th.
God Bless,
Scar.
Scar.
Even if the food is fabulous, it'll have no atmosphere.
The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"...
The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Tomahawk, Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire, Baraboo and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.
Each contestant will be given a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: “Aaron Rodgers is gay. I'm a vegetarian. Bratwurst clogs your arteries. The Green Bay Packers suck... Go Bears!!! Cheese is high in cholesterol, Hillary for President, Deer hunting is murder and I'm here to confiscate your guns
. The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive – Wins! ! !
Good luck to all contestants!
Scar.
Paul...it's going to take a little time to actually complete the task...but Trump will start with a bunch of EOs to undo Obama's and that certainly will be a great start.
Today, January 20, 2017: THE END OF AN ERROR
Then he went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but finally he got her corsage. Next he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But eventually he managed to rent one.
When at last they got to the prom, they danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for something to drink. He figured he'd end up waiting again – but there was no punch line.
If you or anyone you know might be interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Bellevue Baptist Church, in Memphis, TN at 3:00 pm. Her name is Sally, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, wonderful cook,... and she will be the one in the white dress.
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."
Anony Mouse's Link
I was so tempted to resurrect and post this on the "Bathhouse Barry" thread ;o)
Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the Doct or in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
So to the Doctor I went. Sure enough, the Receptionist asked what I was seeing the Doctor about.
I said, "I have a clogged blood vessel on my Penis."
Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing, and just looked at me. Ya could have heard a pin drop.
The Receptionist then said, "I guess we had better get you back to the Doctor."
I replied, "Yep, and you had better hurry before this thing blows all over everybody".
I was the next person called back to the Doctor.
Can anyone say, "fire ants?" :^)
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives during this election results period, we should begin by finishing things that we started and left incomplete.
Since we all could use more serenity in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
