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"Going into the trophy hunting business"

Kyle, it does require the same hunting skills.

Black Rifle Coffee Company countered and is hiring 10,000 veterans.

And now...the ISIS button!

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to do something special. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But when she checked at the local greengrocer she was shocked at the cost of their mushrooms. Regretfully she told her husband, "Mushrooms are out. They're too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the back paddock and pick some of those mushrooms. There are plenty down near the creek." She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see rabbits eating them and they don't seem to suffer any ill effects."

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a basket full, then washed, peeled and sliced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back verandah and gave Ol' Spot (the dog) a dish of the mushrooms. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 21 and dominoes. But then a neighbor knocked on the door and said, Mrs Williams I am sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but Ol' Spot is dead." Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon an ambulance arrived. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, each person was taken into the bathroom and given an enema. Then his or her stomach was pumped out. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak as they sat around the living room. The neighbour, who had stayed at the house through all the drama, sank into a seat beside Janet.

"You know, he never even stopped." she said

"Who do you mean? Asked Janet.

"The fellow who ran over Ol' Spot!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

A. The balls aren't as heavy and you don't have to change your shoes.

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

A woman did not come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she was at a friends house and it got late so she just stayed the night. The husband, a little suspicious, calls the wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:

A man did not come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he was at a friends house and it got late so he just stayed the night. The woman, a little suspicious, calls her husband's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that yes in deed, he did sleep over and the other two said he was still there.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweiser's every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.

The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!"

The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."

The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"

After having watched Reservoir Dogs, I have flashbacks of Michael Madsen dancing when I hear that song.....

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!",exclaimed Flynn. “What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'ere , try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big; I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night , we never had any problems.

Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here , try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large ; t hey don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then , Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here , you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And , if you don't change your smart - ass attitude, you never will!!!

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.

"Well, sir," one trainee explained, "We've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A Dunkirk, IN, man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

MAROONED!!!!!!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is i can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought,'That's what i need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like to try on a new suit please."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see now - size 44 long should do it."

Joe laughed, "Wow, that's right; how did you know?"

"Oh, I've been in the business 40 years" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure, why not."

The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised again.

"You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?"

"Been in the business 40 years sir." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove!

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure, i might as well."

The salesman said,"Let's see... Size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! i got you! i'v worn a size 34 since i was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head,"No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache......."

ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION!!!