A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.........
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
> For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me."
> Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of the USA, way back when > George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.
> > There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and > storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about.
> > Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the > front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where > they were heading.
> > Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, > back and forth.
> > Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the > Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, > but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
> > Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. > He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
> > Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the > lights and came upon a huge house.
> > What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who > came.
> > General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. > > The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
> > A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
> > Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my > men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
> > Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, > General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many > men do you have?'
> > Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters '
> > And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me.' >
HA/KS's Link
http://giant.gfycat.com/FavoriteKindlyAlaskanhusky.gif
. .
. .
- Freeglee
Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?
For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about. Just when you think you have heard everything! Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS), President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.
He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
A true story from Associated Press.
Solo's Link
The father, believing his son too young to have the real story says "Son, the one dog has a broken leg, and the other dog is helping that one to walk."
Boy ponders this for a moment and says "Dogs are a lot like people, aren't they Dad?"
"What do you mean son?"
"You try and help your buddy, you'll get f**ked most every time..."
Pete
Anony Mouse's Link
.... stabs you in the front.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 78 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
"Yes", he replied, "I'm my wife's sexual adviser".
Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"
"Very simple", he said, "My wife told me when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ASK for it!"
You got me to laugh on that one.....very good!!
There’s a story about a guy who was in a balloon, one of those air balloons, a hot air balloon. He was lost and he lowered the altitude, spotted a man down below and descended a bit more and then called out to him.
He said, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I’d meet him an hour ago and I don’t know where I am.”
The man on the ground consulted his GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above ground elevation at 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14 minutes north latitude; 100 degrees, 49 minutes west longitude.” And the guy in the balloon said, “You must be a Republican.” And he said, “I am. How did you know that?”
He said, “Well, everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I’m still lost — and, frankly, you haven’t been very much help so far.”
The other guy said, “You must be a Democrat.” He said, “I am. How did you know that?” He said, “Well, you don’t know where you’re going or where you’ve been. You’ve risen to where you are on hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. You expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you’re in the same place you were before we met and now it’s my fault!”
orionsbrother's Link
" target="_blank" class="button">Salagi's Link
BBQ..... I always have to correct folks..... what YOU have is a "grill", not a BBQ. I have a stainless steel BBQ "oven" with a stainless steel firebox with a 4" flue to it. Works awesome.
Example: Wedding photograph of Paul Zedian and his wife.
1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
BE AWARE …
THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
HA/KS's Link