Thur afternoon he stopped in at the drug store and told the druggist he needed a dozen condoms. The pharmacist chuckled and said he thought he needed a dozen too for his first time. But the young man insisted on buying a dozen as the druggist re-assured him he didn't.
The young man arrived at 6:45pm for his date with the girl of his dreams. He was ushered out on the back porch where her family was playing dominos and scrabble. At 10:00pm he was still busy playing dominos and scrabble with the family, at 11:00 pm he told her family he had to go because he had a curfew.
To say the least she was a little upset at her boyfriend and told him she couldn't understand why he would rather play dominos than take her to the drive-in. He promptly replied he couldn't understand why she didn't tell him her father was a pharmacist....:)
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I’m Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said..
The second guy says “No Way!”
So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says “You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too.”
All three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has one more beer. After he finishes, he says “Ok, I will be able to fly now.”
All three of them go outside and the second guy jumps off of the cliff. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.
The third guy turns to the first guy and said “You know Superman, you can be a real jerk when you drink.“
In the back of the car, the couple's teenage daughter began making retching noises.
"Ugh - you two? Going to a club? You've got to be kidding! You're far too old...Everyone would just stare at you!"
"Come on," said Carol, "It doesn't have to be a club for teenagers. There must be places for people of our 'slightly more mature years' to go."
"Yeah, there is," said the daughter. "It's called Bingo!""
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up, just minutes prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals were delivered to the plane. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued... "Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight." Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"AS A MARINE, CAPTAIN stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of the troops. To break the silence, the general would ask some of the Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with. Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, Sir," or "Second Marine Division, General." But near the end of the inspection, when the general asked a young private, "Which outfit are you in?" the Marine replied, "Dress blues, Sir, with medals!" -
"DURING my Army Reserve unit's annual training at Fort Ord, Calif., our battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mess sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site. The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed. "Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?" "It was delicious, Sir," replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."
"IN THE ARMY during Operation Desert Storm, I found myself in a world that had changed little since Biblical times. With so few creature comforts available, packages from home containing cookies and canned goods were received with great anticipation. When I got a box from my sister, I happily tore into it, only to discover just how far from home I really was. She had filled it with packages of microwave popcorn. -"
A father texts his son: "My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.My best love and good wishes. Your Father.
"His Son texts back:
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!
"His Father replies: "I know."
True story here. My first duty station after Tech School was NAS Moffitt Field. I was checking in, you go see the Medic and he checks to make sure your shot record was up to date, it wasn't so I got shots. You go to the Master at Arms and get on the roster for flight line watch. Go to the tool room and check out a tool box. Etc
And here the story begins. There is this salty CPO in charge of the tool room. As you are getting your tools along with the inventory list he is going over all the things you should and should not do. For example, you need to inventory your tool box after working on an aircraft to make sure that no tools were left behind. And most importantly, ALWAYS use the right tool for the job. He was showing all the specialized tools that were not in individual tool boxes. Direct reading Hyd. pressure gauges, gauges to measure cable tension, and on and on.
About this time we are interrupted by this 3rd class petty officer. "Chief, I need a big A** wrench. "
"What size is that?"
"Doesn't matter I am going to use it for a hammer."
I swear I saw a tear form in the Chief's eye.
Terry
February 1, 1878 The Echo (Cawker City) - Last Friday night, there was quite a commotion in this city. A reprobate named Thompson, who had been tending bar for Ed Johnson for the last two months, had succeeded in winning the affections of Mrs. Johnson, and the two had it made up to leave for Concordia Friday night. So to favor their cause, Mrs. Johnson had taken possession of $392 of her husbands money, and the bar tender had succeeded in getting Mr. Johnson beastly drunk. When the facts became known to a party of citizens who waited until the amorous pair of thieves went to the livery stable to get a rig to go to Concordia, and then a dozen or more went around to the stable and took the bar tender and detained him until morning. Saturday morning Mr. Johnson came to his senses to find himself robbed of his money, and his wife gone. Mrs. Johnson was at the hotel, and Mr. Johnson went after her and brought her home. She returned $3,- 50 dollars to him and concluded to remain at home. The people talked strongly of giving the man Thompson a coat of tar and feathers, and this unpleasant news reaching his ears he availed himself of the first op- portunity, and left for parts unknown. All is now quiet.
February 13, 1878 Daily Commonwealth Topeka, Kansas - Beloit Gazette: Johnson keeps a saloon in Cawker City, and had laid by the sum of $500, but his wife, who is forty years old, played sweet to this hired man, and on last Wednesday night the aged wife and young lover took the $500 and started for parts unknown. Johnson got wind of the affair and overhauled them at the railroad, and recovered the $500 and soiled wife, but the man was allowed to get away.
February 16, 1878 Junction City Weekly Union - The wife of a saloon keeper at Cawker City stole $500 from her husband and ran away with a hired man, a few days ago. She was fat, fair and forty.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal."
Free range child?
HA/KS's Link
1. We need an immediate $10,000 tuition increase for incoming white students.
2. We need an immediate $2000 tuition decrease for students who come from marginalized groups in our society.
"It should go without saying that my proposed group exemptions are cumulative in nature. A black woman can earn a $4000 tuition credit, a black lesbian can earn a $6000 tuition credit, a black transgendered illegal immigrant can earn $8000 (provided he becomes a she), and so on. There is no limit to what a student can accomplish so long as he, she, undecided, or other is willing to take a stand against the status quo."
"It should also go without saying that there will be no need for oversight in implementing this new system. We will simply defer to student perception and trust that they are precisely who they claim to be. Those who say they are women are women. Those who say they are black are black, and so on. Once we have rejected the notion of truth, we’ll no longer live in fear of “falsity.”"
"I hope that you will take my plan as seriously as I’ve always taken your commitment to institutional diversity."
"GO ON You Can Do It. Say it Again Angie....M-U-S-L-I-M I-N-V-A-D-E-R-S"
He asks her, "I'm going to give you a scenario and you tell me what you'd do. A patient comes out of the room with me, and after paying his bill, heads towards the exit, but all the sudden, clutches his chest and falls flat on his face, dead from a heart attack. What do you do?"
The woman thinks for a second and says, "I run and get you, then call 911."
"No," is the response.
"Ok, I call 911, then run and get you."
"No," is the response again.
She ponders what she could do differently when the physician says, "the first thing you do is grab his feet and turn him around 180 degrees so it looks like he was coming in to the office, not leaving it."
HA/KS's Link
"Dubai tour company offers pirate hunting cruises off horn of Africa"
Brazilian Butt Lift
A procedure in which a flat buttock is enlarged through targeted liposuction and re-injection of the patient’s own fat in a contoured fashion in the areas in which enhancement is desired.
Segen's Medical Dictionary. © 2012 Farlex, Inc. All rights reserved.
HA/KS's Link
Spoofing them with tweets:
"Guy waved and said "HOW-DEE." I told that racist my name isn't Dee and he shouldn't make fun of Native Americans. "
"Before I could call AAA because I had a flat tire, two guys in a pickup asked if they could help. Literally. Shaking."
"Turns out Piggly Wiggly is not a strip club"
More at link
BTW...WTF are you talking about????
Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’
The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle…
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’
He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ..’ he said with a deep sigh…
‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’
Shuteye's Link
Q. How do you get holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? A. "Dam!"
Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids.
Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A. A stick.
Q. What do you call Santa's helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses.
Q. What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A. Quatro sinko.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A. Because they have big fingers
Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A. Sanka.
Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers? A. Skeet.
Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Q. What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons? A. Jose A and Jose B.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
How can you tell if an actuary is an introvert or an extrovert?
When he's talking with you, if he stares at his shoes, he's an introvert.
If he stares at your shoes, he's an extrovert.
Sent from my Galaxy Tab A
-------- Original message -------- From: [email protected] Date: 7/22/17 08:22 (GMT-05:00) To: Subject: Fwd: Glasses
Sent from my iPhone
Begin forwarded message:
From: Bill Cooper
Glasses ?? Description: image001.jpg Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun. Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
TRUE SOCIALIST: Apparently Bernie Sanders Is Stealing His Neighbor's 'Washington Post'
From link:
Here's Plante's story via Red State:
Bernie Sanders and his wife Jane when they are in Washington DC, live in this house on Capitol Hill, ok? Part of their vast real estate empire. They’re like wannabe Trumps with their real estate holdings.
The next-door neighbor…their neighbor on Capitol Hill called the Washington Post and told the Washington Post that they were cancelling their Washington Post subscription because their very expensive Sunday Post stopped showing up. Not there this week, last week, the week before, then it was there one week but the week before it wasn’t delivered, so I’m cancelling my subscription to the post because your delivery person never gets to me. I’m paying for it but it never gets to me.
The Washington Post said, “Please, do not cancel your subscription to the Washington Post. We will investigate with the delivery person and we will get back to you.”
So the Post investigated. They got back to the person cancelling their subscription to the Post and they said, “Listen, we talked to the delivery person. Our delivery person claims has seen you come out of your house again and again and grab the paper on Sunday mornings. Immediately as the paper delivery person delivers the paper, they’ve seen you come out of your house and pick up the newspaper. So, sir, you are lying to us.”
[The neighbor] said, “Oh, ok, I’ve been coming out and picking up the paper?”
“Yes, and we got a description from the delivery person. You are an older man with gray hair, balding, and little round glasses…”
And the guy said, “I’m like, you know, in my 50s and I’ve got a full head of dark hair. But, my neighbor is Bernie Sanders.”
And Bernie Sanders has been coming out every Sunday morning and stealing his next door neighbor’s Washington Post.
