Next up: the partisan hacks at Snopes fact-check The Onion.
Mary Katharine Ham ? @mkhammer
Snopes is fact-checking Babylon Bee. Everything is so stupid. http://www.snopes.com/osteen-yacht-houston-book-hurricane/ …
Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston to Pass out Copies of His Book? A Christian satire site's claim about the popular televangelist using a luxury yacht to promote "Your Best Life Now" in Hurricane Harvey's aftermath was mistaken for real news.
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Merry Christmas Buddy!"
Angel: "What are you going to do now?"
God: "Call it a day."
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
Joe turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Joe goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Joe says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Joe shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Joe says, "Well, I'll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Then you're a queer."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment- I spit on your ties. I need water! "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!" "Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace! Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign Out of the corner of his eye... It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs may be for real and drives past a third sign saying
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign Next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden Door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."
Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."
Your sweetie says 'Let's go upstairs and make love' And you answer: 'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot!
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ... And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
'OLD' IS WHEN.... ?????????????????????????????? ????????????????
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down By the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car .. In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up To use the bathroom.
AND 'OLD' IS WHEN..... You're not sure these are jokes!
Because one more would make it "too-farty"............
Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.
No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."
One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
If you recently purchased Meth in NEBRASKA, IOWA, KANSAS or MISSOURI, it may be contaminated with the Zika virus! Please contact your local Police Department or Sheriff's Office so they can conduct a "Free" screening test on your Meth to make sure it is not contaminated.
Please share this "NEWS ALERT" in your area!
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Spanky tried with D-i-k-t-a-t-e... Wrong
Alfalfa tried with D-i-c-t-a-i-t... Wrong
Buckwheat said I can, and spelled it D-i-c-t-a-t-e... Correct!!! Mr. Crabtree then asked him to use it in a sentence, so Buckwheat says...
Hey Darla, How'd my dic tate last night...
Will it never end?
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and granddad says again in a very controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five short minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little brat's name is Kevin."
"That's not good enough," she said, "I want that outhouse fixed!"
Back he went and slapped a little paint on it, patched the hole in the tin roof and went back and laid down again.
"I said fix that outhouse and fix it right!" she yelled, "If you know what's good for you you won't come back in until it's plumb done!"
So back he went and tightened up every loose nail he could find, caulked the cracks in the side and even stuck his head in the hole and looked around. While he had his head stuck in that hole, his wife slipped up behind him and goosed him. He jumped up and some of his chin whiskers caught in a crack in the front board and pulled out. "Dadgum it that hurt!" he hollered.
His wife calmly replied, "Now you know what I'm talking about."
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Pay To Pee
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?
“Not everybody pays!”