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SNOPEFLAKES: Snopes Now Fact-Checking Satirical Sites

Next up: the partisan hacks at Snopes fact-check The Onion.

Mary Katharine Ham ? @mkhammer

Snopes is fact-checking Babylon Bee. Everything is so stupid. http://www.snopes.com/osteen-yacht-houston-book-hurricane/ …

Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston to Pass out Copies of His Book? A Christian satire site's claim about the popular televangelist using a luxury yacht to promote "Your Best Life Now" in Hurricane Harvey's aftermath was mistaken for real news.

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!

He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy!"

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day."

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."

Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."

Your sweetie says 'Let's go upstairs and make love' And you answer: 'Pick one, I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot!

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ... And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

'OLD' IS WHEN.... ?????????????????????????????? ????????????????

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down By the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car .. In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up To use the bathroom.

AND 'OLD' IS WHEN..... You're not sure these are jokes!

Because one more would make it "too-farty"............

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

If you recently purchased Meth in NEBRASKA, IOWA, KANSAS or MISSOURI, it may be contaminated with the Zika virus! Please contact your local Police Department or Sheriff's Office so they can conduct a "Free" screening test on your Meth to make sure it is not contaminated.

Please share this "NEWS ALERT" in your area!

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Spanky tried with D-i-k-t-a-t-e... Wrong

Alfalfa tried with D-i-c-t-a-i-t... Wrong

Buckwheat said I can, and spelled it D-i-c-t-a-t-e... Correct!!! Mr. Crabtree then asked him to use it in a sentence, so Buckwheat says...

Hey Darla, How'd my dic tate last night...

Will it never end?

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,"Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and granddad says again in a very controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five short minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little brat's name is Kevin."

"That's not good enough," she said, "I want that outhouse fixed!"

Back he went and slapped a little paint on it, patched the hole in the tin roof and went back and laid down again.

"I said fix that outhouse and fix it right!" she yelled, "If you know what's good for you you won't come back in until it's plumb done!"

So back he went and tightened up every loose nail he could find, caulked the cracks in the side and even stuck his head in the hole and looked around. While he had his head stuck in that hole, his wife slipped up behind him and goosed him. He jumped up and some of his chin whiskers caught in a crack in the front board and pulled out. "Dadgum it that hurt!" he hollered.

His wife calmly replied, "Now you know what I'm talking about."

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Pay To Pee

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?

“Not everybody pays!”