That is a Classic for sure, I love it!
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!"
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.'
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Marion …………………………… Marion?”
“Yes; Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes; I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! I’ve really missed you. So … what’s it like?”
“Well … I get up in the morning and have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch … you’d be proud … lots of greens. Then another romp around the golf course having sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper it’s back to the golf course for more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh my, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No; I’m a rabbit in Scottsdale, Arizona.”
"U.S.—Antifa factions nationwide had planned a “deface Columbus day,” on which they intended to deface and destroy statues of Christopher Columbus Monday, but authorities in many cities got the better of the radical far-left groups with a brilliant idea: by adhering legitimate job applications all over their local Columbus statues, they virtually guaranteed that Antifa groups would not approach them.
“It’s working extremely well so far. These Antifa thugs won’t go anywhere near an opportunity for gainful employment,” Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters. “We urge other American cities: if you want to protect your statues of Columbus, just head to the nearest McDonald’s or Walmart and ask for a stack of job applications. Get some tape and stick them all over the statue, and you can pretty much just go about your day at that point.”"
Spike Bull 's Link
Tony Phillips's Link
They gathered around the grave site and Johnny asked his father to say some words over the deceased turtle. Dad said the classic turtle obituary and was winding things down when Johnny spoke up and told them all he knew how to finish the service, he remembers how the Priest did it. Dad was kind surprised but told Johnny to go right ahead.
" Turtle is with God now..... In the name of the Father, Son...... and in-the-hole-he-goes........."
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
I've never seen a better explanation than this formula. how true it is..