I actually called in one day here a few years back and told my Boss I had Anal Glaucoma. He asked what that was, and i told him I couldn’t see my Arse coming in.
Spike Bull 's Link
Annony Mouse's Link
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around", he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y'know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin’. Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN !
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OOOOH! You're gonna hate yourself for this - but it will make your day! ! ! ! !
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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'
Great video, HA.
Annony Mouse's Link
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The agent showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the agent asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
"I'm thankful they didn't ask if I had any weapons. I might of answered "what do you need?""
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter wasgoing to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village shouldcollect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Isthe coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, 'the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes, 'the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely, 'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh**load of firewood."
We need leftist controls similar to those wished upon the 2A.
Kevin @ Wisconsin's Link
Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside.
After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.
An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book, wasn't it?""
MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton : Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
...........His professor gave him an A+ for this report..........
Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal.You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress $5000.Tux rental-$100.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.You can open all your own jars.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.You almost never have strap problems in public.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.Everything on your face stays its original color.The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
- When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
- The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- Ah, children.A woman knows all about her children.She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:A married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Annony Mouse's Link
Spike Bull 's Link
Police said the sighting occurred Saturday night by a woman named Robin Roberts of Colorado. The sighting reportedly occurred on Mile Marker 179 around 9 p.m.
Shortly after the sighting, authorities were alerted and NSP did send a trooper to the area to see if the Bigfoot was still near the interstate.
As of Monday night, police have still not been able to locate a Bigfoot and has ruled the area safe.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
I have said for a long time, before an engineer is allowed to design anything, he should have to build and repair a similar item for at least two years!!! It would eliminate most of the stupid design issue crap we see and deal with everyday.
Exactly the same issue as your joke!
My nephew is in his senior year in a mecahnical program. While home for Thanksgiving, he was impressing us all with his bountiful amounts of knowledge and was explaining that in engineering design, you make assumptions and negate things that are irrelevant.
That is when I told him that is why most engineering designs are initially screwed up...
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID ..... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ..... I'M GETTING A FAX!!