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I actually called in one day here a few years back and told my Boss I had Anal Glaucoma. He asked what that was, and i told him I couldn’t see my Arse coming in.

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: "As there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around", he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y'know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin’. Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

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OOOOH! You're gonna hate yourself for this - but it will make your day! ! ! ! !

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

Great video, HA.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The agent showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the agent asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

"I'm thankful they didn't ask if I had any weapons. I might of answered "what do you need?""

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter wasgoing to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village shouldcollect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Isthe coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, 'the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes, 'the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely, 'the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh**load of firewood."

We need leftist controls similar to those wished upon the 2A.

Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside.

After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.

An unidentified reader had penned, "Good book, wasn't it?""

BOOK REPORT.....................................

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

...........His professor gave him an A+ for this report..........

Police said the sighting occurred Saturday night by a woman named Robin Roberts of Colorado. The sighting reportedly occurred on Mile Marker 179 around 9 p.m.

Shortly after the sighting, authorities were alerted and NSP did send a trooper to the area to see if the Bigfoot was still near the interstate.

As of Monday night, police have still not been able to locate a Bigfoot and has ruled the area safe.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

I have said for a long time, before an engineer is allowed to design anything, he should have to build and repair a similar item for at least two years!!! It would eliminate most of the stupid design issue crap we see and deal with everyday.

Exactly the same issue as your joke!

My nephew is in his senior year in a mecahnical program. While home for Thanksgiving, he was impressing us all with his bountiful amounts of knowledge and was explaining that in engineering design, you make assumptions and negate things that are irrelevant.

That is when I told him that is why most engineering designs are initially screwed up...

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!