"Dear Mr. "Some Assembly Required",
December 24, 2005
You Sir, are a "Dead Man walking".
When I find you, and I will, you will regret the day you came up with the idea of cutting your labor cost by having me, the customer, assemble your toys.
Yes, it's Christmas eve, and of course I love those kids, even if I've spent 3 of the most ****ing frustrating hours of my life, with;180 3.5x22 ka screws, 120 4x45mm PWA screws, 40 6x30mm allen key bolts and 39 - NOT - 40 washers you ****head!
When I find you, "In the Face or in the Gut" will not be options.
What rocket scientist came up with using 3.5x22 ka screws anyway?
What's the matter couldn't you find anything smaller? I'm sure he thinks that was just hysterical? Do you realize how small they are? Do you!!! Well he can run, but he can't hide.
And another thing; is the guy that "Pre-Drills" those pilot holes drunk every day, or just when he worked on the unit I bought??? Don't you guys own a ruler???
He's on my list TOO.
CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE my butt.
Is there even a phone on the other end? I hate you and the horse you rode in on. If I see that horse, he's going to the glue factory.
Who did you get to write those instructions? Albert Einstein??
Why are there 19 pages to put together a ***** ****ing TOY!!!
And what’s the matter? You couldn’t find anyone to write the instructions that had English as his first language? Or even his second language?
AND WHERE THE **** IS PAGE 5!!! I HATE YOU!
Suck Flaming Death & Die."
"Christmas Fruitcake Recipe It's important that you follow this recipe exactly!! 8^)
1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups dried fruit, 1 teaspoon baking soda 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup brown sugar 1/2 cup lemon juice 2 cups nuts 1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriber.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?'
