2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 5, 2017 is the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators -I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.. "Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!
Apologies to all the carpenters out there.
She was throwing away all the ones marked with a "W".
No need to apologize. I’ve dealt with some real “winners”. Always knew before 9 AM if I was gonna keep them past lunch.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck...OH ****! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a *** look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh ****. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-***** got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. ****IT CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know – I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
...and poor atheist doesn't own a phone.
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce, the dwarf!"
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?
Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people!
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!"
.. .. ..
.. .. ..
I mean, really, what was the circumstances happening in his life for him to come across that link to the Indian woman and the juice harp?
Juice harp, Jews harp, mouth harp, I've heard it called them all. Actually Tony, my politically liberal but hard working hermit of a brother posted that on his newly created FB page. He is who we should worry about. ;)
So an old friend called and asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. I told him...give me a minute let me check my account and I'll call u right back."
Before I could check my funds, my cousin called and said, "Don’t give him any money because he's lying.” My cousin proceeded to tell me that he wants to use that $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for her birthday!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500.
I called him back and said, "Come on, I got you." A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, and it was him. he was screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
I replied so you and your girlfriend would be under the same roof for her birthday!!!
When I worked on the ranch in Wyoming, we used to say that we got heat stroke bringing the hay in, in the heat of summer, so we could freeze to death putting it back OUT in the dead of winter!
A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
'OK where to next?' The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man Figures what the heck.
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.' He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'
"No", she replied, "This time it's tartar sauce."
Which of our libs is this? ;)
Just imagine that girl sportin' a severe case of Parkinson's. She'd just be one big blur. Likely create her own weather system, like a twister cuttin' thru a trailer park....
Oh no, the visions keep coming to me. Make it stop.....
Flying to Chicago with the parents, who are recently recovered from the flu. The doctor allowed them to travel, but advised them to take every precaution…
Mom: Michael, will it embarrass you if we wear our surgical masks on this flight?
Mike: Not if you’re performing surgery.
Dad: Don’t be a smart guy. We’re strapped into a giant Petri dish. The doctor says these masks could save our lives!
Mike: Only if your wife actually puts the mask over her nose.
Mom: I don’t like it over my nose. It fogs up my glasses.
Dad: Then what’s the point? The germs will get up your nose if you don’t keep it covered!
Mom: But I can’t see the Sudoku if my glasses are all fogged up!
Mike: He’s right, Mom. If you’re gonna wear the mask, you might as well wear it properly.
Mom: But if it’s over my nose, I’ll be breathing CO2. That’s a deadly gas, you know.
Dad: Good grief, Peggy, do you think the doctor would tell us to wear a mask if it were gonna kill us!
Mom: What do YOU know, John? You’ve got your string wrapped around your hearing aid!
Captain: Welcome aboard, everyone. We’ll be flying into a pretty stiff headwind today, but we’re still gonna do our best to assure an on-time arrival.
Dad: “Do our best?” What the hell does that mean? Don’t they always do their best?
Mom: He sounds sleepy, Michael.
Mike: Who, Dad?
Mom: No, the Pilot.
Mike: He’s not sleepy, he’s just bored.
Mom: I hope there’s a co-pilot. Do you suppose there’s a co-pilot up there?
Mike: Probably. Where else would they put him?
Mom: Do you think he’s wearing a mask?
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, can I get you two something to drink?
Dad: Pardon me?
Flight Attendant: I said, CAN I GET YOU TWO SOMETHING TO DRINK?
Dad: Yes, please, I’d like some orange juice.
Flight Attendant: I beg your pardon?
Dad: Some orange juice, please.
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, can you speak up?
Mom: John, take your mask off, she can’t understand you.
Dad: I’m not taking this mask off. She might be infected!!
Mom: So I guess you’ll be drinking your orange juice through the mask?
Dad: Maybe I will!!!
Mom: Well then, I’m not putting this stupid thing over my nose!!!
Flight Attendant: I can come back later…
Mike: To answer your question, Mom, no - this isn’t embarrassing at all…
She meets the club pro who will be giving her lessons. He sets her up to hit a ball off the tee. As she is standing there, she asks "how should I hold the club?"
The pro says, "hold it firmly, but not to firm....kind of like you'd hold your husband's d**k"
She hits the golfball and it only goes three feet.
The pro says, "not too bad....at least it went nice and straight. Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."