1. God.
2. It wasn't up to me, but I realized it when I saw that old TV ad for shaving creme that featured Gunilla Knudson saying, "Take it off, take it off, take it ALL off". Strange stirrings began to go through my body....!
3. Well...maybe. It's only been a phase for the past 66 years. If I don't grow out of it I'll no doubt reach the point where I won't give a **** anymore.
4. I do. I just can't help it if I'm a chick magnet.
5. I don't have to. It's just so magnificent that others can't help but want to be part of it.
6. Nah.....Besides, my therapy is being in the woods and if that were going to change anything it would have done that a L O N G time ago! And everything I've ever observed in the woods just reinforces my heterosexuality.
;-)
"And if you were born there you would be a real atholl."
And your motto might be........
Just because you came from an atholl doesn't mean you have to BE an atholl!
Hi, I'm Oprah!
I'm the spokesperson for Weight Watchers but can't control my weight.
I tell you how to run your marriage but I can't commit to marriage.
I tell you how to raise your kids but I don’t have any.
I am very spiritual, but don’t go to any church or identify as Christian.
Even though I knew about Weinstein and the casting couch, I was silent, but I support the Me Too movement.
I am racist to the core, but blacks can’t really be racist, so that doesn’t count.
I’m black and female, so I check all the boxes.
I praised Denmark for their Socialism, though I am a billionaire due to Capitalism, the economic system that allowed a dirt-poor child from Mississippi to rise to world-renowned fame and wealth.
The first time I openly endorsed a presidential candidate it was a black one, Obama. Before a black candidate, I was not political.
Vote for me, and I will give you transformational change, the kind you got from Obama!
We just ate it straight from the box.
I'll be using that one again.
As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."
Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right ---
My car was gone !
A. Because 1 more would make it "too farty".
They sold your information.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Paul, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
That's right! Not even Harvey!
