After a few minutes Paddy turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'
Paddy muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned' and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged Paddy and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
Paddy answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
"God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Sadly, he has explained to his class about his personal failure in growing spaghetti trees in his back yard is due to gorbal warming.
Compare that today with a class size of maybe 20 or so and the teacher has to have an "aide" to manage it. Of course, back then the only thing worse for kid than having a nun on your case was having the school telling your PARENTS that you were being a problem in class!!!! Parents back then "had the backs" of the teachers.
I threw up in my mouth a little.
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole at the local golf course when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them"
Annony Mouse's Link
The judges decided they would give each finalist one minute to make up a poem using the word "Timbuctoo". Each finalist would read their poem and the audience would decide the winner.
The English professor read his first: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan, Men on camels two by two, Destination, Timbuctoo!
The audience went wild! How could the redneck possibly beat this?
The Redneck from Texas read: Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three gals in a pop-up tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuctoo!
Gotta bleach my mind.......
He had a very singular childhood as he alienated all the kids in his neighborhood.
"Green Bay Blizzards game cancelled tonight due to actual blizzard."
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Annony ... that last one stinks .... ;0)
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, both of whom are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?
Worried About My Reputation
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to you if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the Church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Ms. Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Ms. Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded. “But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Ms. Pelosi is a saint."
The manager took them to a quiet room where there would be no interruptions. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20 and were so advised. The manager took Tyrone aside and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, Tyrone, but, we have decided to give the job to the white guy."
Tyrone answered and asked, "Why would you be doing that, are you a racist? We both got 19 questions correct and this being Detroit and me being black.....surely I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, But specifically on the question that you both got wrong."
Tyrone said, "Tell me how would one wrong answer be better than another."
The manager responded, "Simple, on question number 7 the white guy wrote down, "I don't know.
'You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Spike Bull 's Link
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!!!!!
(won't even start about cats.......)