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I need help, suggestions
Two of my buddies and I hunt the first week of maryland bow season together every year. It's a huge area and we generally kill a couple between us every year. This year was no exception. We always have a great time and spend the entire year excited for the next. Here's my worry. Both of my buddies are in their early 60's. I'm in my mid 40's. I've been friends with both of these guys for 20+ years now. My buddy Jeff doesn't take very good care of himself. He's on numerous medications for blood pressure and cholesterol. His doctor is begging him to lose weight. He continues his same eating habits and drinks too much. I approached him during our trip this year about me helping him get healthier. He answered no in a very quick manner. I should tell you that the main reason I had said something was because we were walking back a flat logging road and he needed to stop more times than I could count. I really don't know what to do. I obviously care for my friend and I don't see him being able to continue to bow hunt if he keeps going down the path he's currently on. Any idea's out there? If this doesn't fit the scope of this forum, please remove it. Thanks for any thoughts or ideas.
Some people don't want to be helped. Honestly? It's his decision not yours. Good for you trying, but I'm the opinion that people have to want to change behaviors and if they don't there's nothing a wife, child or friend can say or do.
What Pat said ! If a person don't want help , nothing you can do . Hard to understand , but everyone knows someone like this . I have friends in 40s that smoke cigs and they cough and cough in the morning and say they are going to quit , but never do . I want to live good and hunt as long as possible so it doesn't make sense to me .
Good for you for opening the discussion. All you can do is keep the door open ... he has to decide to walk through.
But keep in mind -- even if he doesn't "walk through the door", he will respect you for opening it. He might never say it, though.
I do this for a living ... tell people to take care of themselves, that is. It's amazing. I've had people tell me they quit smoking or drinking, or started taking care of themselves literally years after I talked to them about it, sometimes so long that I don't recall the conversation -- but they do!
By the way he responded to you, trust me: He already knows what he's doing.
Now, he knows that you know.
Agree with Pat 100%
Continue to enjoy the company of your buddies, understanding that one day the "air is going to run out of your buddy's tire."
GOD has a plan and a purpose for each one of us. We die when we die and there is no way anyone can change their expiration date. Let him be if you want him to continue the friendship. You have to adjust to him, not him to you if you care. Also, make a prayer scheduled include you friend when you send the message, each time.
Simple answer from my point of view is to help the guy find some good spots to hunt closer to the road... At some point age will catch up regardless of physical conditioning and eating habits.
You did what you could for now. If this is someone you have over for dinner in the off season perhaps preparing healthy choice meals will help him move in the right direction. Also, no booze/wine/beers at the dinners at your house. Maybe setting the example of a healthy lifestyle without talking about it might help him.
SixLomaz, I have to disagree with your comment about some fabricated expiration date we are all born with, what a load of crap. Healthy decisions can and will extend your life and will allow a much healthier lifestyle.
1st - Pat is correct. My own Dad falls into this category, for the most part. He gets so concerned about everyone else and their health issues, but doesn't want to see or hear about his own issues and gets upset when the topic is brought up. I believe I made some headway with him this past weekend, but only time will tell.
And 2nd........Lark - It's not a load of crap. Now you may not believe in God and that is your choice, however those of us who do, know that God knew us before we are born. He knows everything that will happen over the course of our lives, good and bad. He also knows when our time on this earth is up. Everyone has the "choice" to make healthy decisions or not, but He knows when we'll die. I believe this is what SixLomaz is saying.
Agree with Pat said also.
You have told him you care for him and your concern as a friend that is all you can do.
Now I will say this they are in their 60's and you are in your mid 40's.
Brother wait until you hit your early 50's it sucks ailments come and you have zero answers for it.
I'm going on 52 and shit is failing faster than I can walk on flat ground!
Now I will say this in my 52 years I have seen many out of shape over weight people lots of friends that way.
What I realized they are not happy about themselves and they have a so called hidden depression about themselves also.
But one of the things they do enjoy is the taste of their food and I believe it makes them happy although it may be for a short period of time but it does just that it gives them enjoyment.
You've said your piece to him and if it were me I would not bring it up again
The Tooth Fairy and Santa also have plans for us. Living healthier definitely increases your odds of living longer, not sure how that can be disputed
Haven't heard (read) a single person dispute that living a healthier livestyle increases your odds of living longer. But, what has been said is God already knows the date and time you will pass before you were born. He knows what choices you will make concerning you health and your lifestyle before you make them. Therefore, while your decisions are changing (or possibly changing) your death date in your mind and possibly the minds of those around you, God already sees and understands those factors and His date for you does not change.
My best friend literally sent me a text not 10 mins ago telling me that his doc diagnosed as type 2 diabetic and put him on metformin. He is also way overweight and drinks way too much. He said he put himself on a diet today and I hope he will stick with it, but I don't know how many times I've heard him say he was going to loose weight. That will definitely help him, but I think the bigger problem is the drinking, which he doesn't see as an issue. Point being, Pat is right, some people don't want help even when they know they need it. Good for you for bringing it up. He will remember that you cared enough to broach the subject.
Ensure he doesn't drink, drive and kill someone else. That is about all you can do - changing his habits by asking/nagging/suggesting will just lose you a friend.
You did your part - maybe gently remind him in a year that you are there for him if he decides that he wants to do anything more. But, you are fighting against 60 years of addiction.
I can tell you exactly what to do. I am a recovering alcoholic with over seven years sobriety. I counsel drunks and drug addicts. You have done all you can do. Until he wants help, all you are going to do is lose a friend. Be sure you can take his car keys away. Let him know, you are there for him if he wants help. Then, just shut up. If you are out walking him, walk off and leave him. Do not coddle him. Leave him standing, panting like a dog a few times, he might start thinking. I can't tell from what you posted if he is an alcoholic or just drinks too much. There is a difference and gluttony is also an addiction. Doesn't matter. Until he decides he is ready for help, you are totally wasting your time.
Lark Bunting>you are wrong with your atheistic thinking. We all have an expiration date that is placed on us when we die. Yes all you can do is try to help a friend. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. If their choice(s) cause them to die it was their choice to not change for the better.
GOD is good Orion brothers and sisters. Everything has an expiration date. From the minuscule microbe to the mighty bluewhale. It is etched into our DNA from the beginning. Yes, you have a choice but in the end you will get to the same destination regardless how much you changed you direction. We are nothing but dust particles floating on a destiny wind. If you do not understand how small we are then you do not understand your purpose and potential in life. Go spend 3 weeks by yourself in the North tundra space and let me know how you feel. GOD is good. I do not mean a fatherly figure somewhere in the sky. I mean the living GOD who dwells in each one of us. The one living GOD who guides us on our journey. Amen.
Your buddy knows what he's doing. He has to be the one to decide to do something different if he intends to continue to enjoy this. You've said your peace. Keep a clear mind and do your thing and, give your buddy the grace to do his. Enjoy the time you got because your time card is already punched. Its up to you to make the best of what you been given. God Bless
SixLomaz--sounds like your in a cult man. This is bowsite not church. Give it a rest and STOP preaching
Pat is spot on, the choice is up to your friend....Now if he makes that choice then you can step in help him.
I made a choice over 5 years ago to check out a gym called Kosama. It was the best choice I've made since marrying my wife and starting a family. I began with the goal of going 5 days a week. I still have and maintain that goal. My wife and kids joined and even became coaches. We all love it and have made many friends there....and with that we all have a bit of "accountability". If one doesn't make it to a workout there's always others to ask why. You may be able to do that same thing some day for your friend.
And yes, I believe God knows our start up date and ending date, but how we choose to live and feel between those dates is up to us to decide.
You've done what you can. Some people don't want the help and don't want to help themselves and there's nothing you can do. It's their choice. The fact of the matter is, if he's already on a bunch of meds, is overweight, and is having to stop frequently while walking on a flat road, then he's not long for hunting and he's not long for this world. It's sad, but it's just reality. Some people are just addicted to food and booze and just eat/drink themselves to death. It's very common.
You can't pull someone who's drowning into a canoe if they don't want to get in.
I'm sure glad God knows what I'm going to do because I have no frigging clue:)
P.S. God, I'm sorry for some of the stuff you are about to see.
This may help some understand people's motivation or lack there of.
Bear bowman, try to get your buddy start something small that is positive. Positive action begets positive behavior. As they say a thought becomes an action. An action becomes a habit, habit becomes character, and character becomes destiny.
As previously stated this guy may not want help or may refuse help because in essence you are wanting to change an deep seated thought process that unless he firmly buys into is not going to change.
X2 Kelly, "What I realized they are not happy about themselves and they have a so called hidden depression about themselves also." Your statement shows that you have given considerable thought to people's behavior and that you care more than most.
"GOD has a plan and a purpose for each one of us. We die when we die and there is no way anyone can change their expiration date. Let him be if you want him to continue the friendship. You have to adjust to him, not him to you if you care. Also, make a prayer scheduled include you friend when you send the message, each time. "
God does have a plan for each and every one of us. But as humans we constantly usurp His plan by acting selfishly. God's plan for bear bowman's friend might be that he would live a long and prosperous life and be a disciple of many but that doesn't mean that the friend can't screw this all up by having poor habits.
God has a plan for me too but if I walk out in front of a train today that plan goes out the window.
Thanks for all of your responses. I have never intended to broach the subject with him again unless he came to me. After reading my initial post, I feel that I may have come across as being selfish. I imagine in some ways I am. I want as many years with my friend as I can get. He is a really great guy. He's that type that'll give you the shirt off his back. I may be an enabler as well. I track and drag a good percentage of his deer. I just feel it's the right thing to do and if he was able, he'd do the same for me. Thanks again everyone. This is truly a great forum. Bob
My brother and I have hunted for years together. Im 62 and he is 64. He is volunteering to give in to aging. He told me that this year that he wanted to hunt much closer to the truck. I told him to start walking a mile day. After a couple of weeks make it 2 miles until his endurance built up. He gave me some lame excuses. I told him I intend to try to to kick aging in the ass til the day I die. I ride a my bike about 5 miles a day and walk about 2 in a speed walking manner. I know every body is different but to me he is just giving up to easily. Also, I think God knows exactly when we are going to die, but I also think we can cheat that time too by being lazy, drinking or eating too much. I could start heroin this afternoon and die which I know is not in Gods plan for me. He may know exactly when but I sure can make a difference by living and eating right.
Look at it this way, in just a few years u might have the place to yourself!!
Just kidding ! All you can do is express severe concern and support if they want it. That's all you can do. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
It is what it is. Say your peace then drop it and stay friends.
Stopping that many times to rest on a flat logging road may be indicative of heart problems.
Encourage him by all means necessary to see a cardiologist for a check-up ! Could be a blockage to or from the heart.
When the blood flow isn't there any physical activity is / can be a problem.
You cannot make some people understand. I've worked in ER for years and seen some pretty interesting people. One guy in his 50's came in with a dead great toe that looked at though it had been charbroiled. He had watched it die and the skin was falling off the bottom of his foot. Found out he was a non-compliant diabetic. Dr. told him his foot was to be amputated and the guy refused to believe it. Non-compliance in personal health takes all forms and some people are just plain stupid even when you spell it out for them.
Milk has an expiration date, if you don't take care of it correctly and leave it out in the sun/heat it will spoil sooner than the expiration date. Same with the human body, if you don't take care of it, it will expire sooner than your expiration date. Not here to debate GOD, I believe in him, but you can't argue with not taking care of yourself or "temple" if that makes some of you feel better.
Bear bowman, I feel for you and know others like that. I know you can't change others if they don't want to change but at some point it may affect you if something happens to him in the middle of the woods and you need to help him. So good for speaking up. Good luck
You did the right thing, sometimes folks need a gentle push or realization that things have gotten out of hand. I would continue to encourage healthy living by making better meals etc without saying much. I agree with the comment above that he has some major health issues if he's stopping on a flat cart road. My dad is 74 and he keeps up with me on major hikes cause he eats well and works out regularly.
You are not being selfish....your buddy is. When he face plants back in the woods you are the one that is going to have to deal with getting SAR, medical, coroner, etc to him.