That is a Classic for sure, I love it!
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!"
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.'
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.
“Marion …………………………… Marion?”
“Yes; Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes; I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! I’ve really missed you. So … what’s it like?”
“Well … I get up in the morning and have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch … you’d be proud … lots of greens. Then another romp around the golf course having sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper it’s back to the golf course for more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh my, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No; I’m a rabbit in Scottsdale, Arizona.”
"U.S.—Antifa factions nationwide had planned a “deface Columbus day,” on which they intended to deface and destroy statues of Christopher Columbus Monday, but authorities in many cities got the better of the radical far-left groups with a brilliant idea: by adhering legitimate job applications all over their local Columbus statues, they virtually guaranteed that Antifa groups would not approach them.
“It’s working extremely well so far. These Antifa thugs won’t go anywhere near an opportunity for gainful employment,” Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters. “We urge other American cities: if you want to protect your statues of Columbus, just head to the nearest McDonald’s or Walmart and ask for a stack of job applications. Get some tape and stick them all over the statue, and you can pretty much just go about your day at that point.”"
Spike Bull 's Link
Tony Phillips's Link
They gathered around the grave site and Johnny asked his father to say some words over the deceased turtle. Dad said the classic turtle obituary and was winding things down when Johnny spoke up and told them all he knew how to finish the service, he remembers how the Priest did it. Dad was kind surprised but told Johnny to go right ahead.
" Turtle is with God now..... In the name of the Father, Son...... and in-the-hole-he-goes........."
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
I've never seen a better explanation than this formula. how true it is..
She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times.
Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father’s death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.
When mother’s illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I considered it an honor.
“What now?” I asked, sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife’s hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband’s shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication.
Now she had moved on. My work was finished, and I was alone.
I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me.
He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. “I’m late,” he explained, though no explanation was necessary.
After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, “Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of ‘Margaret?’”
“Because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her ‘Mary,’” I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn’t have sat on the other side of the church.
He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
“No, that isn’t correct,” he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, “Her name is Mary, Mary Peters.”
“That isn’t who this is.”
“Isn’t this the Lutheran church?”
“No, the Lutheran church is across the street.”
“I believe you’re at the wrong funeral, sir.”
The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man’s mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away.
Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing.
At the final “Amen,” we darted out a door and into the parking lot. “I do believe we’ll be the talk of the town,” he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt’s funeral, he asked me out for a cup of coffee.
That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place.
A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
In my time of sorrow, I was given laughter. In place of loneliness, I was given love. This past June, we celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary.
Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, “Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us. It’s truly a match made in heaven.”
Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining their roster, forming the TAMPACKS.
They will be good for only one period, and will have no second string...............
Oh I know! He's a DEMOCRAT so truth and honesty are irrelevant to him. Silly me.
At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he I so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands up and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!”.
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said: "Oh ***k him."
"You know the dock that your ferry landed at the night before? I built that dock with me own bare hands, finely honing each joint so that it would withstand the weather that mother nature unravels upon it. It took nigh a year, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? Noooooo."
"And do you recall the livery stable you passed on the way into town? I stood that stable up in six months, with nary a bit o' help. To this day that stable is one of the finest in all of Scotland. But do they call me MacGregor that stable-maker? Nooooooo."
He lowered his head, took a sip of stout, shook his head and sighed......
"But you fook just one sheep......."
What else would you expect?
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!
Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
".....fire on the mountain, run boy run........."
"Happy birthday to this future president."
8:03 AM - Oct 26, 2016
Added from headline the linked page "Hillary’s birthday is tomorrow, and her tweet from last year hasn’t aged well at all"
Q. Why don't you put these signs where it is safer for the deer to cross?
A. Deer can't read signs. Drivers can. This sign isn't intended to tell deer where to cross, it's for drivers to be alert that deer have been in this area in the past."
"I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.”"
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
So I'm going hunting with a couple buddies and I tell them; "I have my butt out tool with me today and dang it...we are going to use it! " "So one of us better shoot a deer."
YOUR TEARS, FORTIFIED WITH 2% LOW ENERGY MILK
"I went on a job interview the other day. Now I'm not really looking for another job, but it doesn't hurt to see what's out there. I saw a great one in the paper with much higher pay then what I was getting. However, I wasn't really qualified but I decided to apply anyway. A week later, I became very excited when I was called in for an interview.
Realizing that I didn't submit a resume when I filled out the application, I brought a copy with me to the interview. My prospective employer asked a few questions then read through my resume. After a few anxious moments as I sat in silence waiting for him to finish reading, he put down my resume.
He looked up at me and said, "We have an opening for someone like you."
"Really?" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"
"It's called the door!""
ALL federal welfare programs should be phased out. That includes unemployment, medicaid, student loans, food stamps, job training, school lunches, flood and crop insurances, etc.
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real! 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.