Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far.
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"
The first one takes her 10K and spends it on herself.
The second one takes the 10K and buys a gift for him.
The third one takes it and invests it, earning 25K, 15 of which she gives back to him.
Which one does he marry?
..........The one with the biggest ***s..........(men ARE pigs!!!)
Wait for it....
He's working up an appetite.
The toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution, on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate. Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.
He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang!"
? I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
? I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
? When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
? Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
? You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
? Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
? I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
? Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.
? You're not fat, you're just... Easier to see.
? If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
? I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
? I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
? My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
? My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
? Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
? The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
?The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
? I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
? The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper..."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first.
"The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the really great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
A women went to her doctor for a physical exam. After the exam the doc tells her everything is OK but he needs to correct his records. It seems that he has her listed as a Mrs. when he found that she is still a virgin and should have been listed as a Miss. She responded that no, the records are correct, she’s married.
Taken back, the doc says that if it is not too personal, how can that be?
Well, she says, the first time... Wait, he said, the first time; you’ve been married more than once? Oh yes, three times. Scratching his head, the doc asks her to go on.
The first time I married a drunk and he was never sober long enough to consummate the marriage. My second husband, although very loving and treated me with great respect, turned out to like men and not women.
Perplexed at the woman’s misfortune in the marriage bed, the doc asked her to tell him about her third marriage.
She flatly states that her current husband is an IBM salesman. The doc is really curious by this time and asks her what being an IBM salesman has to do with consummating a marriage?
“Well” she said, “all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it will be when I get it!”
With that in mind, I hope we’re not just sitting on the edge of our chairs waiting for the IG’s report and how “good it will be when we get it” all for nothing.
Anger Management When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know they probably deserve it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right ******* number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his telephone number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now Don and you had better start saying your prayers.' I said 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass!' I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax... I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!
Uh, trying to figure out the thought process on that one. LOL.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ''How does that feel"?
"Feels great" he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He then proceeds to do a VERY thorough examination of her breasts, several times over. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at MacDonalds'
"...and that same brunette approached me, flushed red as a rose, she said, "Let's split the cost of your new head and throw in my nose..."
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last.... a golfer with real balls!!” So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said,…"Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
"Start killing deer!" He has a line he uses..... "On my place we use the Titanic Rules.... women and children first!"
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.