Then I saw a yard sign that said:
CALL JESUS 800-555-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.
A Mexican with a leaf blower showed up...........
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum .
"OH!" the light goes on and Tarzan says sure, he knows about sex, whereupon he walks over to a tree with one of those flowery knotholes, savagely thrusts a stick in long, hard, and deep, then proceeds to mount the hole. Jane is totally surprised. When he finishes she asks him what the stick was about, Tarzan explains: "Check for squirrel!"
Aspen pic, laughed and hard - what...?!?
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie"
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row".
Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Houston ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Houston ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to APPEASE PELE and have the volcanic fires stop is to make a human sacrifice into her fires, and according to tradition, that needs to be a celebrated leader who was born in Hawaii and held a position of power
Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.
Back when Hollywood was fun.
Spike Bull 's Link
The undertaker tells the Americans accompanying her, "You can have her shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for just $100".
The Americans accompanying her assemble in a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Hillary shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship her home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, in Jerusalem, and you would spend only $100?
The American spokesperson replies, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.”
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "Was it a big deal to fix?"
He replies, "Nah....just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?" The father answered, "another Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God"
The first fellow, who was a carpenter, said that hitting your finger THE SECOND TIME in a day was the most painful thing he'd ever experienced.
The second guy was a dentist, who claimed that hitting a nerve when he was drilling someone's tooth when they DIDN'T have Novocain has GOT to be THE most painful thing in the world.
The third guy was an old cowboy. He took a swig of beer and said......
"Well, I can tell you what the SECOND most painful thing in the world is."
"The second?", his friends asked.
"Yes", he said, "The second. One day I was riding fence and I had to answer the call of nature. I got off my horse and squatted down behind some sagebrush. What I DIDN'T know was that I'd squatted over a coyote trap. When my "valuables" touched the trap pan it jumped up and grabbed them.....ALL of them. And THAT my friends is the second most painful thing in the world."
His friends were aghast. What he told them was horrible.
"WOW!" they said, "That's awful! And you say that's the second most painful thing? What could possibly be more painful than that??"
The cowboy grimaced and said........"When I hit the end of that *&^!)#@ chain."
A female voice from the back of the room called out,
"You'll Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton".
Briarcliff Manor High School grad...
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
1. Gone With the Wind
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
9. The Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi Resignation Speech
11. Jurassic Park
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
*REMEMBER...MATH IS AN EXACT SCIENCE !!!!
Who in the heck is going to pay for a ticket to see a movie starring Maxine Waters and Nancy Pelosi??? ;^)
Are you kidding?
People would line up by the millions if the script required them to resign and disappear.