itshot's Link
A 70 yr old man recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the Doctor said he was doing fairly well for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, the elderly man couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
The Doctor asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' the elderly man replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Doctor asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' the elderly gentleman replied,
Doctor then asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of wild and crazy sex?'
'No,' I don't,
Doctor looked at the man and said,
Then, why do you even give a $hit ?'
HA/KS's Link
From the web site:
"Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution"
“Time and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These right-wing judges don’t think for themselves, they just do whatever the Constitution says. And it’s time for that to end.”
“We need judges to be advocates of progressive laws,” Senator Elizabeth Warren added. “Not people who will bow to the whims of the Constitution, pitting its extremist values of freedom of speech and freedom of religion against our agenda.”
“We’re sick and tired of the Constitution sitting in the National Archives, manipulating everything we do,” stated Senator Cory Booker, trying to emote for the cameras but failing. Booker then called a ten-minute recess for him to refresh his supply of fake tears before he could continue.
NEW YORK, NY—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was elated when reports broke that she had won the Democratic primary for her district, defeating long-term incumbent Rep. Joe Crowley Tuesday.
But the democratic socialist was disappointed to discover that her win would be revoked by the DNC after all votes for her were confiscated and more equally distributed between the two candidates. Democrat officials quickly sent Ocasio-Cortez a bill for her vote earnings, which included a hefty tax on her 15,000+ votes, which would be dispensed more evenly between Ocasio-Cortez and Crowley, as the DNC saw fit.
“A candidate earning over 4,000 more votes than her opponent is a grave injustice in this country. It’s time for her to pay her fair share,” Crowley said in a speech. “How can we pretend we’re a free and just people when poor candidates are barely getting by, while the 1% controls 57% of the popular vote?” Crowley also suggested that all the votes his opponent won were “communal” property that the Committee graciously allowed her to keep.
“Thousands of votes from a well-run campaign? You didn’t earn that,” he said.
After redistribution of votes, the candidates were completely tied, and so a run-off election has been scheduled for next month. The run-off election is also expected to end in a tie after forcible confiscation and even distribution of votes.
he he he ;-)
HA/KS's Link
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Waitress, I'll have today's special, "The Hillary Meal - 2 left wings a pair of fat thighs, and no breast" .
I pulled in to Eagle Stop to get gas, when I got out I noticed 2 Police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is this lady stupid or crazy? With the cops right there, too?"
Anyhow, as I was paying inside, I heard screaming... I looked and the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car... I was still thinking "what kind of person smokes near a gas pump?!"
But, being nosy, I asked the cops what they were arresting her for... he looked me square in the eyes and said "FOR WAVING A FIREARM IN PUBLIC!"
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain so the king and the queen went fishing.
On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Thus, the democratic party symbol was born.
HA/KS's Link
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"
"Why you crafty bastard!", replied the fairy.
TD's Link
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
Manure... An interesting fact. Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common at sea.
It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit),…………. “So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golfing term!!!!
itshot's Link
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.
I must confess though, that when the accumulated baling twine fills more than half a garbage can, I throw it away.....or more accurately my WIFE throws it away. That's why I married her......to help keep me in check!
"I really don't give a s**t......and MEAN IT!!!
"What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stranger."
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist camp?
The one who can hold a dozen doughnuts and two cups of coffee at the same time :9)
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He had one arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD ! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. Just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He had broken arms and legs, was in a body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Jews do not recognize Christ as the Son of God.
Baptists do not recognize each other in a liquor store.
Because people may think they're dancing! ;-)
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They fear it might lead to dancing.
Beendare's Link
"OH SH*T! Is Planned Parenthood low on inventory??"
I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. As promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around Her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. As promised.
So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I reply, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes. And a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"
I lost 63 pounds that week.
Signed,
Skinny Bob
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted, and fished, and raced cars, and went to sleazy bars, and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard any bitching, and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders, and kept his house and guns, and ate spam, potato chips and beans, and drank Chardonnay and vodka tonics, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and he had lots of dogs, and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up. The End.
"Watching CNN News to learn about facts is like watching Green Acres to learn about farming."
Then I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP? CALL JESUS 800-555-3787
Out of curiosity, I called the number.
*A Mexican with a leaf blower showed up.
Problem solved, everybody's happy.
Try that today and they'd riot and burn the place down..lol
