I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A one-foot putt.. Who the f*#@ misses a one-foot putt?
Hillary Clinton has never been accused of having sex with anyone!
This significant offering was repeated the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and observed an elderly woman place the distinctive pink envelope on the collection plate; this went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I could not help but notice that every week you put $1,000 in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That is wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can continue this generosity? How much does he send you?"
The elderly parishioner answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is obviously very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered, proudly.
"That is an honorable profession, but I had no idea that animal doctors made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered, "In Nevada. He has one cat house in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Zeidan Logic again:
Spike Bull 's Link
Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done," said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done," said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the ‘exotic’ merchandise, he noticed a very ‘lifelike’, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”
“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”
“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat
Nobody can be that dumb unless they have no idea as to what has actually happened with the take a knee issues. And in your case that may have happened
Bzzzzzt try again.
I asked......"What's the matter?"
"I'm not happy", she replied.
"So which one of the 7 Dwarfs are you?", I said.
The rest of the evening didn't go too well!
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
As you may know, Flaherty has been announcing golf on TV for a very long time. He's also incredibly funny, so much so that friends convinced him to do stand up comedy.
In the interview, he mentions that Tiger Woods has a great sense of humor as well. He then cites a time when Tiger was playing a tournament and Flaherty was following his group.
Tiger and Flaherty are long-time friends, and at some point Tiger asked Flaherty, "Do you know what you call a black guy who flies airplanes?"
Flaherty resonded, "No, what?"
Tiger replied, laughing, "A pilot, you 'effing racist!"
Now that's funny because it's so true at so many levels and he and Tiger both knew it was a joke and a poke at the PC crowd.
I've never met PZ and pray I never will.
But in thinking about him the other day, this song from The Wizard of Oz came to mind.
maybe it's all ok and it's on a gfi? =D
"Three words?" he asks.
"Yes, three words!"
"$50?" he asks.
"Yes, anything, $50, three words! ANYTHING!!!" she says...
The grizzled old man focuses his eyes on his drink, on the woman, back to his drink, then locks eyes with the woman, hands her a $50, and says, "Paint...my...house."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Yep my teenage son told me that one...
That meme with the Golden Retriever is awesome, because as you know, she's indescribably sweet and loving.
I wouldn't sell her for a million dollars and I'd rather starve than have her for dinner.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week Can you do this?"
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …………..but I fish on Fridays.
Children raised in fatherless homes, especially black children, are far more likely than children raised in two parent homes to engage in criminal behavior and thus, have contact with police. Ergo when they father a child with a woman to whom they are not married - or at least living with -they are contributing to the problem against which these football players are taking a knee.
If you look at many of these players' records on out-of-wedlock children, you find that they are contributing significantly to the problem against which they are protesting.
For example, Antonio Cromartie has 12 children by 9 different women. Apparently the NFL had to shell out $500,000 before he could even play football for them. Travis Henry has 11 children by 10 women, Willis McGahee has 9 children by 8 women, Derrick Thomas has 7 children by 5 different women, Bennie Blades has 6 children by 6 women, Ray Lewis has 6 children by 4 women and Marshall Faulk has 6 children by 3 women.
They forgot to include Adrian Peterson. 11 kids from 7 different women?
Before these guys take a knee they should take a good look in the mirror. It appears that their problem is not their knee. Its their weenee.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.
You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part.
Harry answered, ' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams "Allah ho akhbar!", raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911.45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ .......... ........ ..... ......... ....... ........ ........ .
............ ....... ...... ........ ......... ........ .......... ....
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
Kurt in Memphis's Link
Yoder is a largely Mennonite community with a great restaurant serving some of the best food you will ever eat.
An artist who had a studio under a well-traveled airplane landing route, in a fit of impishness, decided to paint Welcome To Cleveland on his roof. It’s a nice greeting. The problem is, he’s in Milwaukee.
The sign sends passengers into a panic.
The airplanes routinely have to make an announcement about the rooftop message, making him one of the biggest trolls in the country.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.
THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS. NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO:
"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a small ceremony in the West Wing of the White House, officials pulled down a curtain revealing the portrait of this month’s winner of the White House’s Employee of the Month award, and for the 19th consecutive time, the winner was President Donald Trump.
“In your face!” Trump shouted at janitor Steve Thompson, who many say had upped his toilet scrubbing game in an attempt to win the award, which comes with a $30 gift certificate for Dave & Busters.
Trump started the Employee of the Month award as soon as he became president in an effort to motivate various staff members of the White House, but so far he has been the only one to win it. “I’m doing a tremendous job,” Trump told his staff as he hung another portrait of himself on the wall. “No one comes close to doing as good a job as me. Look at jobs. Look at the economy. Once again, I really deserve this award.”