I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A one-foot putt.. Who the f*#@ misses a one-foot putt?
Hillary Clinton has never been accused of having sex with anyone!
This significant offering was repeated the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and observed an elderly woman place the distinctive pink envelope on the collection plate; this went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I could not help but notice that every week you put $1,000 in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That is wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can continue this generosity? How much does he send you?"
The elderly parishioner answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is obviously very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered, proudly.
"That is an honorable profession, but I had no idea that animal doctors made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered, "In Nevada. He has one cat house in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."
Zeidan Logic again:
Spike Bull 's Link
Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."
"It is done," said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done," said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the ‘exotic’ merchandise, he noticed a very ‘lifelike’, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”
“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”
“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat
Nobody can be that dumb unless they have no idea as to what has actually happened with the take a knee issues. And in your case that may have happened
Bzzzzzt try again.
I asked......"What's the matter?"
"I'm not happy", she replied.
"So which one of the 7 Dwarfs are you?", I said.
The rest of the evening didn't go too well!
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:
"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
As you may know, Flaherty has been announcing golf on TV for a very long time. He's also incredibly funny, so much so that friends convinced him to do stand up comedy.
In the interview, he mentions that Tiger Woods has a great sense of humor as well. He then cites a time when Tiger was playing a tournament and Flaherty was following his group.
Tiger and Flaherty are long-time friends, and at some point Tiger asked Flaherty, "Do you know what you call a black guy who flies airplanes?"
Flaherty resonded, "No, what?"
Tiger replied, laughing, "A pilot, you 'effing racist!"
Now that's funny because it's so true at so many levels and he and Tiger both knew it was a joke and a poke at the PC crowd.
I've never met PZ and pray I never will.
But in thinking about him the other day, this song from The Wizard of Oz came to mind.
maybe it's all ok and it's on a gfi? =D
"Three words?" he asks.
"Yes, three words!"
"$50?" he asks.
"Yes, anything, $50, three words! ANYTHING!!!" she says...
The grizzled old man focuses his eyes on his drink, on the woman, back to his drink, then locks eyes with the woman, hands her a $50, and says, "Paint...my...house."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.