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A 71-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 71-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the darn jar open."

“In your face!” Trump shouted at janitor Steve Thompson, who many say had upped his toilet scrubbing game in an attempt to win the award, which comes with a $30 gift certificate for Dave & Busters.

Trump started the Employee of the Month award as soon as he became president in an effort to motivate various staff members of the White House, but so far he has been the only one to win it. “I’m doing a tremendous job,” Trump told his staff as he hung another portrait of himself on the wall. “No one comes close to doing as good a job as me. Look at jobs. Look at the economy. Once again, I really deserve this award.”

I came across this picture of Levi, and My Mother-in-Law, and thought...he has got to be “The Most Interesting Dog in the World”. He is just so likeable. Anyway, if you don’t get a laugh out of this picture, sorry, but I sure do every time I see it.

Sorry for the side track.... carry on.....

Oh...... Extreme Vespas.....

So someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama Bumper Sticker, and left a note that read: "Hope this helps!"

And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds With One Stone !!

Sometimes an advertising slogan is eye-catching for all the wrong reasons

See link

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled.

My nephew tried to school me on cultural appropriation. It didn't end well.

They got him. Just as I feared they would.

My nephew Kyle came to live with us this summer after his freshman year of college. Apparently he’s now a deputized member of the cultural-appropriation police.

He hadn’t even unpacked his massive bag of dirty laundry when he made a snide comment about the three straw hats hanging in our hallway collected during our years living in Southeast Asia.

The next day when Kyle and I were backing out of the driveway and I called out “Adios” to my neighbor, Kyle mumbled, “Appropriate much?”

But then the following Saturday, I overheard Kyle ask my wife if we had any sunscreen he could borrow. “Brenna and I are going kayaking.”

I poked my head around the corner. “Mmm. Kayaks. You mean that watercraft appropriated from the Inuit people of the Arctic region?”

Quick on his feet, Kyle recovered and retorted, “I meant to say we’re renting canoes.”

“As in the canoe that was developed by the indigenous people of North America?”

Stymied, Kyle canceled his plans. He and Brenna spent the day sitting quietly on a park bench.

The following Monday our neighbor offered Kyle 50 bucks to move a mound of dirt into his backyard. I was glad to see the boy working. But when I saw he’d helped himself to the wheelbarrow from my shed, I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatcha doing there, McFly?”

“Moving this dirt for some quick cash.”

“Using a wheelbarrow?”

“Yup.”

He continued shoveling.

“As in the one-wheeled cart invented by the Chinese?”

Kyle looked at me for a long moment as he processed this information before finally lowering the handles of the wheelbarrow.

He switched to lugging the dirt in a five-gallon bucket. It took him the rest of the afternoon. The job worked out to four dollars an hour.

The next day he was so stiff and sore, Brenna suggested they go stretch out at “Yoga in the Park.” Until I pointed out yoga is a sacred practice rooted in Hinduism.

Brenna went by herself.

My wife told me to leave the poor boy alone. But hey, as his uncle, I feel it’s my job to help him live out his passionately held core values.

In the summer our family eats most of our dinners on the deck which is conveniently located off our kitchen. Well convenient for most of us. Not for Kyle. Once I pointed out that modern architects got their inspiration for the sliding glass door from the Japanese shoji, Kyle stopped using our sliding door. You know, it having been appropriated and all.

At dinnertime Kyle now goes out through the garage, runs down the hill on the side of the house, jumps the fence, cuts through the hedges, and climbs the stairs to the deck. I get exhausted just watching him.

Once when it was his turn to help prep for dinner, he made seven trips. One of them after we’d all sat down. I pointed out he’d forgotten to bring the salt shaker.

Last week, prompted by a text from his mother, Kyle came home with birthday flowers for my wife. Anticipating my efforts to help him rout out all cultural appropriation from his life, Kyle brought home tulips. We are Dutch-Americans, after all. As he walked past me he beamed victoriously, pointed at the flowers, and boldly declared, “Dutch.”

“Um, Kyle.”

He paused. His confidence seemed to waver ever so slightly.

“Tulips aren’t native to the Netherlands. The Dutch first imported them from Turkey in the 1500s.” Kyle’s shoulders sagged. His face darkened. He lowered the flowers to his side.

The next morning I found the bouquet on top of our compost pile. I tried to lighten Kyle’s spirits by taking him out for lunch. He attempted to order a jumbo fries until I pointed out the word jumbo comes from the Swahili “jambo.”

He ordered a small.

But it didn’t matter. Shortly after we sat down, he refused to eat his fries. I may have mentioned something about potatoes not being native to North America or Europe. They originate from South America.

He pushed his fries toward me and focused his attention on his sweet tea. Until I asked him how Southerners might feel about him — a Northerner — appropriating their regional drink.

I used his sweet tea to wash down his fries.

Most weeks, his less-woke friends go out for Taco Tuesdays, but not Kyle. No more hummus. No more bagels. No mo’ pho. Poor Kyle. Living the unappropriated life is tough business.

Whenever it rains, Kyle gets soaked. No more umbrellas for him. Chinese.

Kyle has stopped binge watching “The Walking Dead” once I mentioned the word for, and the concept of, zombies were appropriated from West Africa.

Kyle was taking a summer math course at the community college. But he dropped out. It was just too hard. His homework was taking all evening. He was doing all his assignments using Roman numerals since Arabic numerals are … well, Arabic.

These days, Kyle doesn’t go out or do much of anything. He was spending the majority of his time in the basement curled up on the futon he'd lugged home from college until someone — I'm not going to say who — pointed out that futons are Japanese. Now he just spends his waking hours curled up on the floor in a wad of blankets.

Last time I checked on him, he was whimpering quietly to himself. It’s been a rough summer to be Kyle.

Me? Oh, I’m doing fine, thank you very much. I am sitting here (guilt free, mind you) in my Hawaiian shirt, sipping my Tusker lager from Kenya, and listening to Bob Marley.

Life is good. Good, indeed.

In addition to being funny, it makes a great statement about both sides apparently willing to just let her win.

By today's standards none of us were supposed to ever make it!!!

Scenario 1:

Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2017- School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2017 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled - even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal.

He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2017 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.

He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2017 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being spanked herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2014 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2017 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die.

2017 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957–In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2017- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

.. .. . . .

.. . . .

I locked my keys in the car, and could not get the danged doors unlocked. I walked back into the Squad Bay, to phone my Wife to bring the extra set of keys. About then a Recruit approached me and asked if I wanted him to unlock my car. I said, "you can do that?".

He said, "What do you think I did for a living before joining the Corps?"

He had my keys to me in about 4 seconds. LOL.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago , another is from Kingsport, Tennessee , and the third is from New Orleans . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kingsport contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? ”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kingsport to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

"I love my country; it's the government I'm afraid of!"

.

Wedding event planner: I just released some birds for the wedding.

Animal Control: They were Ostriches!

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obama’s and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

Me "hey John, one of your cows is out in your beanfield".

Farmer John "How the hell did she get out there?"

Grandson "Don't worry grandpa. She won't get far on an empty tank."

Globalization?

A definition of globalization that

I can understand and to which I now can relate:

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization ?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question :

How come?

Answer :

An

English Princess

with an

Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles,

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using

American Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips, and

a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

truck drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and

trucked to you by Mexicans who

are in the US illegally

because

the

immediate past

president,

born in Kenya

and educated as a Muslim in Indonesia

refused

to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is

G lobalization!

I was leafing through a copy of Quantum Physics Monthly the other day (it was the bathing-suit issue) and came across a reference to a perplexing question posed by Erwin Schrodinger more than half a century ago.

If you're like me and had to pay Bonnie Vandenskurk a hundred dollars to help you get a "D" in high school physics, you might vaguely remember the so-called "Schrodinger's Cat" conundrum as being about as interesting as everything else in the class.

Erwin "Physics Boy" Schrodinger asked what would happen if one put a cat in a box and rigged up a hammer, a vial of poison, and a quantum trigger device (all items Schrodinger apparently had around the house). If an electron is up, the hammer is cocked, but if it is down, the hammer drops, smashing the vial and killing the cat.

This situation fascinates physicists, who call it the "Schrodinger Humdinger." It seems that Schrodinger postulates that the cat in question is in the "dual state" of being both alive and dead, a startling theory which causes most physicists to conclude that they need more government funding.

For me, "quantum physics" has always been another way of saying "drug-induced hallucinations." These guys are always making headlines by announcing that the universe is actually just a knot of hair in the head of Mrs. Lillian McClure (age 78) of Ironton, Michigan, or that gravity is merely a form of mass hysteria, or that Las Vegas is the home of Wayne Newton, without ever considering the impact it has on the rest of us, which is to say "not much." But I'm afraid I'm going to have to demolish the Schrodinger Humdinger, by pointing out that the whole scenario is based on a false premise, which is that it is possible to stuff a cat into a box in the first place.

If you have ever had to take a cat to the vet, you know what I mean. Here are the steps for getting a cat into a cage (the "Cameron's Cat Conundrum"):

1) Pick up cat 2) Push cat toward cage 3) Put iodine on scratches 4) Call veterinarian, tell him you'll be late for the appointment 5) Wait two days for cat to reappear 6) Put open can of tuna in the cage 7) Punish dog for eating tuna 8) Put fresh can of tuna in cage. Place cage out of reach of dog 9) Wait two days for cat to eat tuna 10) Give up, stalk cat through house, calling "here kitty, want to go for a car ride?" 11) Punish dog for barking excitedly at the words "car ride" 12) Corner cat, lunge, break coffee table 13) Wait two days for cat to reappear 14) Spot cat, leap on it, wrestle it to the ground. Carry cat to cage and shove it in

Step #14 sounds like the end of it, except that I have a Humdinger of my own: Somehow, for every 10% of the cat's mass you manage, at great personal cost, to cram into the cage, 20% of its mass will escape. This means that after half an hour of pushing and bleeding, you'll wind up with less cat in the cage than you started with. And, if you try this at my house, you'll also have to deal with my dog, who is so determined to prove that she is a better pet than the cat that her head keeps popping up next to yours, licking you in the face and trying to force her way into the cage.

Eventually you'll reach the same conclusion I did, which is that the cat is in the "dual state" of both being not my pet and being not my responsibility. It's my daughter's cat; let her wait two days for the cat to reappear and she can take it to the vet. This is the "Quantum Father's Solution to the Cameron Cat Conundrum," and I'm sure it is only a matter of time before it receives government funding.

I can always hope, anyway.

* The Cameron Column, a free Internet newsletter, copyright 2005 W. Bruce Cameron"

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him...... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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A Not Yeti

Moses replied, "Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favor, please give me the good news first."

"Moses, the good news is that I've chosen you to deliver my people from bondage," God answered. "I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh's armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape."

"And the bad news?" Moses inquired.

"You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement," God replied.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died…!

The father thought it was a strange coincidence

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma"

The next day the grandmother died…

"Holy Moly," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said: "I've never seen you work so late; what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning.... My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.

It seems that during the Gorbachev Era the CIA collected jokes from behind the Iron Curtain. They did this in order to get a better reading of how the average Russian felt about their government.

See CIA.gov link

Some are pretty funny...future goals of the Democrat Party.

The declassified document:

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo".

A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at LAX; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel–that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

So they do, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin’ buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great–no hangover!

The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

He said, “I feel great!!”

And the buddy says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?”

And he says “No–that jet fuel is great stuff–no hangover–we ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing....”

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“What?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No...”

“Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!!”

?????? star wars voice actor mocks Dr Ford. Must see!! from r/The_Donald