-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. Then he cuddled up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting right now."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ***king ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
That's one heckava kick-off for November, Lex....
ABC Orders Only One More Episode of Roseanne-Free "The Conners" After Ratings Do Exactly What You'd Expect Them To Do —Ace of Spades
They had a hit show and a lot of actors, writers, and crew getting paid to deliver entertainment to a willing audience, but they decided to #GetWoke, and you know what happens after that.
ABC has ordered 1 extra episode to the original order of 10.Sounds to me like a finale. Someone wakes up and says they dreamt Roseanne died. There's a cackle from the next room. Fade to black.
John Goodman, Melissa Gilbert, and Laurie Metcalf can now go back to their exciting careers of sitting around waiting for their agents to call. (Spoiler Alert: They're not calling.)
“No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
The young biker family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the damn drywall.”
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.
The wife says, "Seven weeks.
. A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Updated comment: Check this out: Networks Stop Running Trump’s Immigration Ad, Drawing More Attention to Trump’s Immigration Ad More proof that good humor must contain a kernel of truth!
(Gee.......one might get the idea that there are archers on this site! )
I said " Just because you are poor, doesn't mean you have to also be stupid."
Article at link.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir?
'We have - Work Out Barbie, Shopping Barbie, Beach Barbie, Disco Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Astronaut Barbie and Skater Barbie, all of which cost $19.95 each.
And we also have Divorced Barbie, for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks:
'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers:
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain with Ken's b*lls on it'.
The Democrat ultimate quandary...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad inthe newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Man Captures giant 19.5 Foot Python in Florida and Cuts It Open. Finding 3 More Boxes of Uncounted Democrat Ballots.
The kids and the crossing prank is one that I really love. I hope that their principal had a great sense of humor - and a firm hand.
Something pure, something respectable, challenges evil at every turn, developed at about 1933
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"
"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."
Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?" or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.' Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.
Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.
I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours! Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this could explain it! When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.
So, my friend, next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile, just helping you pack your parachute. Ben"
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $110,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Like I said, it was a VERY educational experience. We'd feed it live mice in their den, which had a cathedral ceiling. The owl would perch on top of an open door and we'd turn the mouse loose. When the owl saw the mouse (which was immediate), it'd scrunch down and move it's head on a circular fashion like it was trying to focus. Once it did, it'd swoop down with no sound whatsoever, save for the very faint "swoosh" of the wings of a bird with a 3' wingspan, (and back in those days I could actually HEAR things...), grab the mouse in it's claw, and break the neck with one strike of it's beak. This was all in one swift, fluid motion. Then it'd put the mouse in it's beak and "chaw" it to break all the bones and then it's swallow it whole. The other amazing thing was that if you put a human hair in it's 4 toed claw and it closed it, you could not get the hair out!
They raised it to adulthood and thought it was a male (they called it "Junior") and then turned it free. It stayed around their place for a good year and they realized that Junior was a female when she set up a nest near their house and had a brood of her own.