I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Syrian flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Add age to the mix. I bet you feel years, decades younger. I'm going back to HS next year those were fun days.
Second thoughts I'm feeling very old at times too so maybe I'll apply for assisted living and in-home care... Or both! By day I'm a student and by night an old goat.
Make sure you wear that burka while driving 20 mph under the posted speed in the left lane while talking on your Obama phone. Might help if you occasionally drift over the center-line a few times every couple seconds...then we'll know you're really serious about this!!