The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38DD bras and asks the Chinese guy;
"Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."
... and this is why the Chinese own us! Business is Business!
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee.
Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth. ***************************************************************************************************************************************
Ole and Lena arrived at Ellis Island.
The examiner in charge addressed the people:
"Welcome. Please come forward one at a time and give me your name,country of origin,your age,your height and your weight."
Ole was first.
"I am Ole Anderson. I am from Sweden. I am 43 years old,5'6",134 pounds"
"I am Lena Anderson. I am from Sweden. I am 36 years old,6'5",257 pounds"
"My!" said the examiner, "You're big enough to play with the Packers!"
"No no!" said Lena, "The only packer I play with is Ole's!"
The clerk asks her, “What do you want it to say?”
The clerk looks up. “What else?”
“But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don’t you want to say anything else about him?”
The clerk thinks a minute. “You know, Lena, it won’t cost you any more if you add a little. The first ten words are the same price.”
“Ten words, and it won’t cost extra?” she asks.
The clerk nods.
Lena thinks hard, then says, “Ole died. Boat for sale.”
Ole and Sven in Hell.........
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
But yeah, looks to me like Boost Mobile is now manufacturing house monitors...8^)
Boost mobile huh, took me a moment....
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....
And before he could say ‘fu$^, the Rottweiler ate him!"
And that Is how my daughter got kicked out of the 4th grade!
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20.55!"
Spike Bull 's Link
Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism
Posted by Daniel Greenfield 0 Comments
The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.
The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun confiscations, food stamps and lectures on the environment unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.
"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."
Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. In Alabama, a farmer fed his hogs homegrown lettuce that had been certified by the state, but not by the Federal Trilateral Hog Commission
With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men heated their homes with coal stoves. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.
The victims were many.
In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Iraqi woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.
And there was worse to come.
The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.
An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Mathomat, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by Planned Parenthood volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.
In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. In Portland, Alaska, attempts to resettle Syrian ISIS members in a town gymnasium led to the refugees instead being eaten by formerly protected wolves.
In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.
In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.
In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."
The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who floated to safety down the Potomac on a raft made out of the bodies of the other members of the Progressive Caucus.
She has since chosen to communicate only in horrified whispers and Instagram glamor shots.
As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 18 times. "
Seven steps to relieve stress
In case you are having a rough day, here's a stress
management technique recommended in all the latest
psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really
does work and will make you smile:
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that
hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the
cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air
with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear you can make out the face of the
Democrat you are holding underwater.
See, it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.
SSO: "Honey don't we have that thing where they will doing those things with the thingy?? "
Bowhunter: "What thing?"
SSO: Oh well you know what I mean, we are busy.... Bowhunter: "Doesn't sound like we are", I can probably get out for at least part of the day."
SSO: "Oh you don't have to get so sensitive about it.."
Bowhunter: " About what?"
SSO : " Oh just go, you didn't want to go anyway!"
Fast foward 8-12 hours, etc.
Bowhunter: "How was the thing??"
SSO: "What thing?"
Bowhunter: "The thing I missed"
SSO: " Oh that thing. You didn't miss anything"
Fast forward to end of bow season.
SSO: "You know we don't do anything together anymore. I feel we don't have anything in common. You are always out hunting for something"
Bowhunter: "Ahhhhh, yup!"
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleagered nation.
Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper.
The counselor asks, "What's the problem?" The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?"
The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing.
Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."
One of the sisters piped up, “Thank goodness, I was getting tired of Chardonnay!”
Maybe the same could be done for obamacare to pay for the wall even faster.
"Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .. .. .
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
1.* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2* Send the dirt to New Orleans
to raise the level of the levees.
3* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments
Cows: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada years
ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they
tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal
immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of
them a cow.
The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why
don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore!
The 10 Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- You cannot post 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' In a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
His eyes fluttered open, he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!""
The three men had always done everything together!!!!!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two buttholes.”
“What? He had two buttholes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two buttholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes!”
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds find eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "I remember these".
HAHA that's a good one - you win!