Oh ya what bikini!
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........
"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f..king Chihuahua ?!"
Jack. ;0)
After waiting for 5 minutes at the garage office, the mechanic walked in and she asked him if was going to be a big deal to fix.
"No", he said. "Nothing major, just crap in the carburetor."
"Okaaay", she replied with a puzzled look, "How many times a day do I have to do that?"
"Thank you,
Epstein's mother"
:-)
She said that she would.
Sure enough, the next morning as I was walking out the door she handed me a note to take to school.
I didn't read it until just as I got to the principal's office. "Please excuse Henry. He went fishing yesterday." My heart sunk, but it was all I had so I went into the office. They accepted it without comment.
When I asked her she answered "You didn't expect me to lie die you?"
That is true about corruption, but if the politicians weren't corrupt, the billionaires wouldn't be able to influence them.
The following year, our new Principal cracked down. But he would still allow me to leave school to go to the bank or get a haircut, since I never had time with sports practice or games every day after school
All of this horrifies my wife, who hopes our daughter doesn't pull that stuff. But secretly, I'll be a little disappointed if she's not a little ornery in school :)
My parents said I needed all the school I could get. Lol
Didn’t need Epstein’s mother. :-)
My Senior year, I decided I didn’t want to be at school anymore, so after the last class started and attendance was taken, we were sent to the Library to research “Current Events” (as that was the class I was in). Figured attendance was already taken so I was golden. The next day I got called to the office and found out that the teacher took attendance again once in the Library.
Mr. Quisenbury asked me why I wasn’t there, told him I don’t want to be there. Our School didn’t have detention at the time, so he said his only option was a one day suspension. My reply...”so I didn’t want to be here for an hour, and you are rewarding me with a day off?!?!”.
My Mom was so pi$$ed when she found out, and my Dad just shook his head. Later found out my Dad did the same stupid chit.
My cousin stood up, gathered his books, and walked out of the room.
First, we thought he (cousin) would probably die on the spot. Second, we expected him to walk back in any moment. Neither happened. I still don't know where he went, but he didn't feel like being in class that hour and he wasn't.
Needless to say, I have come to realize that the teacher had more respect for him that day than for those of us who were too intimated to leave.
There were never any negative consequences for walking out of class. Any other teacher, any other time it would have been practically a capital offense in my HS.
What a lovely bride... 
We were dissecting pig fetuses and decided that it would be funny to tied a cord around the leg of the piglet carcass, lower it down to the second floor geography classroom windows and swing it back and forth........One of the nosebleed tattletales in geography class squealed on us.
I won’t even mention about the time that we dropped a quarter sized piece of sodium metal into a beaker of water in the bottom of the lab sink, or my lab partner torching the hair off my forearm with the Bunsun burner hookup. I think I still hold the school record for the most detentions.
I got called into the principal's office for this offense. Since I was 18 and asked them If I was to do it while working at the ski lodge instead they just shrugged-"well its not an excused absence." A few weeks later when we had the school movie contest I think we placed third. Got a A- . School counselor thought I was being disrespectful.
Later on that year since I didn't take study hall at all in High school I had enough credits to graduate if I only took two classes. So about 10AM went to work to save for college, tech school, muscle car, etc. During some prep rally came back from work to participate in a few events. Hall monitor stopped me, sent me to the office. cause I didn't have a pass, Yeah so??? Once again had to explain to the Office Admin-"So you really don't want me to work to save for college??" I was 18 so, end of that conversation.
Found out about 2-3 years later my school counselor was being charged with making nude movies of girls at the school. He went to prison for that.
We treat HS kids like they are 10 and then wonder why they don't have adult skills when they leave the building. One day they have to ask to use the restroom and the next they are out in the cold. Never made sense to me.
One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times".
Raisin Bread.............
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little.”
Tiger-Eye's Link
may have posted before, its been around. regardless funny and true
Watch that Bishop! Must be a Pawn in the background.....
When our daughter was young, we were over at my brother in law's house for a holiday and all the my daughter's cousins were there. She was about 4 or 5 at the time. Her cousins were playing with her and goofing around and I took a video of it. When we got home, we played the video on the TV (this was with a VHS camera....LONG time ago). When the part came where they were swinging my daughter around, the dog came off the sofa and charged the TV, barking at it and trying to protect her "flock"! We had to call her off and even then she wouldn't quit until my daughter was out of the scene.
All the other dogs we've had were hunting breeds, and as smart as many of them were they were nothing like Bonnie. She was the only herding dog and they ARE cut from a different cloth.
Speaker Pelosi must be so thankful for this funding bill she wished those gathered tonight "Happy Thanksgiving" pic.twitter.com/mNYm65QeVI
— Bo Erickson (@BoKnowsNews) February 15, 2019
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked,
"How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual hilarious replies.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3 Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Annony Mouse's Link
HA/KS's Link
Scrappy's Link
He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.
Light bulbs.
gflight's Link
Annony Mouse's Link
Spike..... that was awesome..... Chuck and Shaq get it..... ohhhh man, too good....
Shuteye's Link
There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.
One student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments: "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
Annony Mouse's Link
