I am so sorry Bob, I've been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home but that is no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope you will accept my sincerest apology with the promise it will never happen again.
Bob, in complete shock, just sat there trying to digest this news when he got a second text.
Darn spell check! I meant "Wi-fi"
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner -- it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer,” said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”
They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office.
"What’s wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn’t my idea work?”
"Oh, it worked real well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!"
Nice Ruger though, looks like a Super Blackhawk.
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'
Electricity!
It turns out that her husband is in the Army. I asked what he does and he is an artillery officer.
I asked if he could hit the target. Without missing a beat she answered:
"Yes he can. I'm pregnant."
I bet she doesn't have a hilary sticker on her car! There are some great young people in this nation.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Maybe learn English syntax and grammar?
"An account big show is a story paper dependent on your own understanding. Its principal is to show a specific thought or feeling by methods for narrating. which is the reason in this kind of paper. you are usually permitted not to remember a story yet also give or points in an argument or proof. It must be clear, related and locks in. In this manner. you should direct the carefully read through the plot. giving him a chance to make an end independent from anyone else without owning particular. expressions or trying to say on a given account big show subject. You can also be entertaining and show off all your intelligence by making your story article retold. which won't be viewed as inappropriate or off-base.refer https://www.XXXXXX Therefore, this content surrounds something that looks like a short story. While it mirrors a piece of your own saving. many teachers do not demand to make it too much showing good judgment"
. . . .
.. . .. .
That video reminded me of a Marine under my charge from Wyoming. His Record of Emergency Data on how to contact his parents was 4 pages long, and mentioned streams and big trees where you would turn to get to his home. There were not any highway numbers on pages 3 and 4.
His Parents did not have a phone.
If you're in rabbit country you'll need at lest one extra belt for the mini gun.
Thinking about WY myself in a few years, , it's in the mix. Not near Jackson A-hole though....Maui's not the same anymore, too many people..... too many flippin' haoles....
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
“Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”
At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay.”
Two women were playing golf. One teed-off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his nether region for several minutes and asked, "How does that feel?"
"Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken"!
"You're right," said Blondie. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband a super delight that night and the next day I feel great."
Blondie carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Blondie looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Blondie replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route!"
To say I was a little nervous for the couple of hours between planting the shed and getting her back to that area is an understatement!
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you’re a sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered...
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Outside's Link
Outside's Link
Woods Walker's Link
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"
Silence followed..... complete silence...
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
Speaking Their Truth Back To the Power
A reader sent this in. This is priceless:
Someone I know pranked the City of Portland, Oregon the other day. His wife owns a shop right in the middle of all that urban craziness. Near her store is a parking space that is designated for motorcycles only. Nobody ever parks a motorcycle there (probably because they don’t want it stolen or vandalized.) He wanted to park near his wife’s store, but all the other spaces are always full. So, he puts a sign on his car that states, “I identify as a motorcycle,” and parked in the motorcycle space. He watched as the parking ticket person called their boss for guidance. The boss had to contact the City Attorney for guidance.
. . . . No Ticket! LOL!
Tonybear61's Link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nw80oc0ifM
