Guide Statements
General Topic
Contributors to this thread:
ESP 17-Jul-21
Bou'bound 17-Jul-21
LINK 17-Jul-21
MA-PAdeerslayer 17-Jul-21
JohnMC 17-Jul-21
ESP 17-Jul-21
BrentC 17-Jul-21
badbull 17-Jul-21
DanaC 17-Jul-21
Dakota 17-Jul-21
Basil 17-Jul-21
BrentC 17-Jul-21
Franklin 17-Jul-21
DanaC 17-Jul-21
BrentC 17-Jul-21
MA-PAdeerslayer 17-Jul-21
Treeline 17-Jul-21
t-roy 17-Jul-21
Surfbow 18-Jul-21
Jaquomo 18-Jul-21
Glunker 18-Jul-21
BillyD 18-Jul-21
Zim 19-Jul-21
ESP 19-Jul-21
Panther Bone 19-Jul-21
kscowboy 19-Jul-21
RK 19-Jul-21
Screwball 19-Jul-21
BTM 20-Jul-21
Rock 20-Jul-21
WV Mountaineer 20-Jul-21
TXCO 20-Jul-21
EmbryOklahoma 20-Jul-21
bowonly 21-Jul-21
LINK 21-Jul-21
wilbur 21-Jul-21
JL 21-Jul-21
Southern draw 21-Jul-21
Zim 22-Jul-21
MA-PAdeerslayer 22-Jul-21
JohnMC 22-Jul-21
Rickm 22-Jul-21
GF 24-Jul-21
From: ESP
Good Afternoon, I was supposed to be getting ready to hunt mule deer with JSW this Sept, but I have been receiving treatment/therapy most of the month, and looks like thru most of next month also, I had to cancel out on the hunt. I am not feeling great and wanted to hear some hopefully humorous stories, to help with the mood. With that said, I am wanting to hear about the times you have hunted with a guide and once a statement was made by the guide, you knew that you were in for something.

Example: Last year on a plains mule deer hunt my guide looks at me and states "you look like you are in shape, let's take a walk." Needless to say, I got more than enough steps in that day, but I kept up with someone half my size and age.

2006: My guide talking to the outfitter about me," not only can this guy hunt but he knows how to shoot" I was just jinxed. The next day I took a 15 yard shot off the top of a cliff about 50 feet above the mule deer. My arrow hit the top of the deer center rib cage and literally, the arrow bounced back halfway back to me. Strange event the deer had a very minor flesh wound and I watched for hundreds of yards. At about 400 yards out I swear it stopped and turned around and stuck its tongue out at me.

Thanks in advance ESP

From: Bou'bound
Goat hunting in BC. It had been hard for 8 days on my second trip, 18 days overall, and he said this is really going to suck today. He never said that before so I figured we were entering a different realm. Tough mountain and raining. It did suck like he said............................... right up until we killed a billy

From: LINK
Here’s a twist for you. I have guided whitetail hunters for around 15 years. I once guided a coonazz from WV. Sorry WV, lol. Anyways he was telling me about this buck he saw chasing a hot doe. He said, “you know how I knew she was in heat, I could smell her” as he puts his nose in the air and lip curls. Lol mind you all of this happened at rifle range. He was dead serious.

Lmfao link!! That’s hilarious

From: JohnMC
Bou that is called priapism...

From: ESP
Link, that was exactly the kind of stuff I was looking for. I have met some WV hill billies that I would expect that kind of statement out of.

From: BrentC
Arkansas duck guide had a bunch of them. One was telling us about his Cajun wife “she won’t eat a crappie or anything normal like that but she’ll cook her own rattle snake”

Also introduced us to the term “chicken titty”

From: badbull
Something that you don't want to hear from a guide when returning to camp or a dock where a warden (or wardens) seems to be waiting for you is "Oh oh"..... Badbull

From: DanaC
So gonna regret this but wth.

BrentC, "chicken titty" ??? Could you explain that to this damnyankee? ;-)

From: Dakota
I had 2 gentleman from Mexico up hunting with us in northwest South Dakota named José and Manuel.

José could speak no English and Manuel just enough that we could hunt.

While driving from one location to another they were chatting back and forth to each other in the backseat.

Manuel leaned forward and said José needs to use toilet.

I pull over and stopped to let him take a leak.

Manuel said no the other one.

It took a while but I figured out he had to drop a deuce.

That chatting in the backseat got a little faster and Manuel said go fast or José going to have problem.

With yet even faster chatting I am told very fast or we all have problem.

I was already chuckling inside but lost it watching José shuffle into the house looking like a penguin on thin ice.

Thankfully we made it in time

From: Basil
Was in Norway on a Reindeer hunt. The guide related a very humorous story about an Austrian aristocrat type he had guided once. This chain smoking, goose stepping Austrian dude showed up in polished leather boots and a fedora complete with a feather in it. They walked just a short distance from the truck and smoked another cigarette. He took another big drag, looked around and pronounced " you may present the animals". Very interesting watching him act out the story in spite of the language barrier.

From: BrentC
Think about it Dana. They’re delicious fried.

By the way you’re a yankee when you’re in the south. Only a damn yankee if you won’t go home. ??

From: Franklin
I was on a grizzly hunt in Alaska and things were a bit slow while glassing. The guide tells me about his last client. in the conversation he says the client told him his wife thanks him after having sex. Being the wiseguy that I am, I say....."how ugly was his old lady?"

He looks at me dead in the eyes and says his wife also thanks him after sex. Needless to say it was a rough week after that.

From: DanaC
Brent, I'm in Red Sox country, most of us would rather be called 'damnyankees' than members of the Evil Empire ;-)

From: BrentC
It’s okay. My mother was born in Bellevue Hospital.

I second Dana ! Lol

But guide story was a good one, we’re fishing in Maine for salmon, on Big Lake. Figure I’ll hire a guide learn the lake a bit then fish the last few days our self. Well we’re in his canoe fish all day, shore lunch whole nine in the middle of no where, and we head in for the day. We pull twords the ramp and Maine Warden service has two trucks there and two Maine State Police vehicles. Well the guide turns around and says, oh shit, I can load alone. I’ll bring you across the lake (in the dark) to drop you at camp. (This sounds fishy i tell my brother). Drops us off next morning we don’t hear from him so we head out solo to bass fish. Turns out he smacked his wife around and she called my camps owner to see if he was on the lake and called the cops on him. Needless to say he didn’t get paid, or get back on the lake for a while. We were paying him after our 3 days and we only ended up with one for free haha. Woulda been a long walk to camp if he brought us to the ramp lol.

From: Treeline
Have a few…

Was guiding bowhunters in NM back in the early 90’s for Coues deer. I was stuck with the guy that was pretty unheard of at the time, but is now a very well known bowhunter that has a Super Slam.

We were walking down a trail in the thick stuff and a buck stepped out in front of us. This was hands down a world record. I told him the range as 30 yards. He drew back and the buck just stood there. I repeated 30.

He shot. The arrow flew at least a foot over that buck’s back!

I turned to him and asked if he had shot for 30. He replied “ Damn! They are a lot smaller than they look. I shot for 45.”

That buck would still be the world record today.

I was very shook up and actually mad. I told him he had just missed a buck that would shatter the world record! He smiled and told me again that they were awfully little… and maybe we could find a bigger one…

Optimism. At all times. A sign of greatness…

From: t-roy
I was moose hunting in Alaska, several years back, and one of my guide’s favorite lines during the hunt was, whenever I’d ask him how things were going, he’d always respond “I’m just livin the dream”!

I ended up arrowing a nice bull, and we watched as the bull ran along the bank of an old oxbow, tipped over at the edge of a beaver pond, and kicked/thrashed around till he ended up in the middle of the pond.

I looked at Bruce and asked him if he was still “livin the dream”? He looked at me with a bit of a pained expression and said “yeah, but it just turned into a nightmare”!

From: Surfbow
I was guiding my first elk hunt last fall and told my client, as he was getting a nice steady rest across my pack on a bull standing broadside at 162yds, "you've got this, it's a slam dunk"...apparently I was wrong...

From: Jaquomo
Caribou guide asked me why I only had four arrows in my longbow quiver. I told him two were for the caribou, and the other two were for ptarmigan. He shook his head and said in Quebecois, "Compound hunters bring whole tube of arrows, shoot them all"

From: Glunker
I was on a northern Canada hunt with a guide that had a client that headed back to camp leaving his guide and another to finish loading up a moose or caribou. Hunter was never seen again.

From: BillyD
Stalking within 20 yards of a bedded BC goat and, much to my surprise, a second bedded Billy appears in my peripheral vision (below the cliff edge). Uncertain how to handle/process the situation, I sheepishly turn to my guide and ask what I should do. His response…..”you better do something!”

From: Zim
My buddies and I were on a predator hunt in Oregon. Couple days into this multiday hunt we grabbed breakfast at a restaurant and plan was to meet our 2 guides out front at a specified time. We walk out and the head honcho tells us “Joe won’t be going out with us today, he has some legal matters to take care of in town”. Apparently the local police rolled him up just prior to us getting there as he had not been current on his alimony/child support to the ex wife.

"Shoootem again Shoootem again!"

From: ESP
Thanks, some of these stories are hilarious. They made me smile.

Forest, I bet you have said some good ones while guiding.

I think you’ve said that to me, Forest. Lol! It worked out????

From: kscowboy
I was on an archery sheep hunt back in 2017. We got blown off the mountain on a stalk on a band of rams by a lighting and hail storm. I hadn't shot in 3-4 days, so I got back to the truck and put my bag out and did what I call "climbing the ladder" after the weather broke. I shot an arrow from 20 yards all the way to 80 yards and then back down. My guided was like, "Damn, I wish my elk hunters could do that!" I looked at him and said, "It's not that hard with practice and a sliding sight." He said, "Shoot, half of them struggle to hit the target at 40 yards. We might actually kill a sheep!!!" Next day, we put the arch in "archery" and got a ram out of the same band.

From: RK
Awesome stuff. So much to learn from this stuff. I love it!

I have said that a bunch over the years............

From: Screwball
Our outfitter in Montana hunting the Bob Marshall tell us one of his favorites. He and his son are in the loading area, horses in the pens etc. 4 hunters from California booked 8 day elk hunt. It is a 10 hour horse ride into camp. They are an hour late when they roll in. The pull in a big black suv and get out. All dressed up and partied up. They get out and tell the father listen were going to get dressed in our camo take a bunch of pictures on horse with you, with our guns, the whole shebang. Just then the four rental girls get out of the back of the suv as well. So they saddle horses, take pictures, are paid in full for the four hunts and are even given tips. They get back in the suv with the four rental ladies and head back to Veags. Pictures were for their wives back home in Cali.

From: BTM
A tad off-topic, but you might enjoy these:

Things you never want to hear from an outfitter when you arrive in hunting camp.

“I know I told you we do bowhunting, but you’re probably going to want to borrow my rifle if you want to bag anything on this trip.”

“There’s your guide, Billy. You’ll be spending 12 days in a pup tent with him. He really likes cabbage and Mexican food.”

“Here’s your horse, ol’ Thunderbolt.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have a copy of the game regs for this unit, would you?”

“There’s your guide, Robert. Here’s pretty level-headed--unless he’s been drinking. Then there’s no telling what he might do.”

“You didn’t happen to bring a spare pair of binoculars with you, did you?”

“Are you supposed to be upwind or downwind when calling elk? I always forget how that works.”

“There’s your guide, George. He gets around pretty good for a man whose left leg got shot off on D-Day.”

“Did you bring any matches with you?”

“The game warden and I go waaaaay back.”

“This F-150 already had 312,000 miles on it when the odometer broke – in 1987.”

“The bears around here have developed quite a taste for human flesh.”

“I once personally guided Fred Bear. Or maybe it was Max Baer, I forget which.”

“I reload my own ammo, but sometimes I confuse 4831 with Bullseye.”

“One of the mules just died, so tonight we’ll have fresh meat for a change.”

“You sure look purty.” (Faint banjo music paying in background.)

“You’ll be flying out to spike camp on Kahoney’s Air Service. Their motto is ‘Any weather is flying weather if you’ve got Kahoneys.’”

“I already set out a bunch of scent wicks near the stand you’ll be sitting in. I used Tink’s 69 – or was it Hoppes No. 9?”

“That bulge under my left gaiter? Oh, that’s just one of those monitor thingies the probation department makes me wear.”

“I had to split my territory in half during my divorce. The ex claims she got the good half, but I’m sure there are some critters around here somewhere.”

“Anybody have a GPS, compass, or map on them?”

“There’s your guide, Tony. He’d still be in the joint if they’d ever found the bodies.”

“If these tents were good enough for George Patton then they’re good enough for us.”

“I got a really sweet deal on these MREs.”

“No, I don’t belong to one of those hifalutin’ outfitter organizations. They have membership fees, disciplinary committees, require bonds, insurance, background checks…”

“Yeah, it’s technically an eight-day hunt, but I never had anyone go that long. For some reason they always leave early.”

I have a bad leg/knee. Do you mind carrying some of my gear?

"Well, fellas, I just pissed my old lady off, so we’ll have to do all the cooking."

"Did you bring any tools?"

"Do you know anything about outboard motors?"

"Can I borrow a cigarette?"

"The moon must have shut down..."

"For some reason the rut is really late this year. Hunting ought to be real good in a couple of weeks."

“Anyone need ear plugs? I might snore a little.”

"Well, baitin’ is technically against the regs, but everybody round here's done it forever..."

"You wouldn't mind helpin’ me out of jam with my old lady, would ya?"

"What are you so nervous about? I know these old roads like the back of my hand." "Your wife called."

“I know it’s only 7 a.m., but this whiskey helps to clear my throat so I can call moose better."

“Our other tent had dry rot so it's going to be pretty crowded sleeping in just one. Here's a can for you guys that sleep in the back.”

”I don't know what it is; I've been trying to wipe it off my boot all afternoon.”

"I’m taking anger management classes."

"Give me a few minutes to get ready. I guess the alarm didn't go off."

"Do you think you can fly the plane?"

"You don't mind me hunting with you? I'll give you first shot."

"Can you come back on [insert any time not convenient for you]? That's really the best time."

"I thought maybe you'd like to sleep in."

"I'm not exactly sure where we are. I'm pretty sure I've been here once before."

"You look like you could use a break, so we are going to take a nap here. You can glass over that way. Wake me if you see anything."

"I know we’re deer hunting, but my brother radioed to say some coyotes are coming this way. I want to pick a few off."

"Help yourself to the beer and liquor, guys."

"Mind if I smoke on the way out to the stand?"

"If you see any joggers or hikers, just ignore them. Some of them may cuss you, but we're allowed to be here."

What you don’t want to hear at the end of your hunt: “The rack on that deer you shot is so huge that I split the skull plate in half so it would pack easier.”

was told by a caribou guide once that if you don't hit the migration, you might as well save your money and hunt them in detroit. your chances will be exactly the same.

From: Rock
I once asked a guide if we were lost? and he stated theat lost was only if there was no hope.

Link and ESP, and all other hillbilly haters, us WV’ians are a different breed. We can smell our prey. Even whitetail. We are tuned up killing machines. We hunt as steep terrain as any where in the world, that’s also as thick as any where. Smelling is an important sense. Since most of our shots are at karate range.

We are a mixture of TBM in hunting prowess. With the stamina of Hunt man or Nick Muche. Legends amongst our peers. But, feared by our prey. So, don’t hate, just Appreciate.

Just know that if we are hunting somewhere that allows us to actually see our game before we smell them, it’s likely a done deal. Until we miss the chip shot.

Guides love hunting with us. lol.

From: TXCO
I had a guide tell me a story about Russian clients. They flew in on a private plane and made their hookers fly coach. Then after a few days, they got bored of them and sent them home and tried to go get some new recruits in town.

Another good one is a guide had a fella on a brown bear hunt. He brought a suit case of mountain dew and finished it on like day 5. He couldnt handle not having mountain dew and cancelled the rest of the hunt because the pilot wouldnt fly him in any more.

Only guided hunt I’ve ever been on was for Osceola turkeys down in Florida. Our guide told us… “if you go bare footed, you’ll have a better chance to kill em’!” Keep in mind, this guys nickname we gave him was “shoeless Cliff”. This guy ran around down there with no shoes on the entire time! We thought he was a badass! That was until he stubbed his toe on the side by side tire and fell to the ground in a heap holding his toes and cussing. I looked at my buddy Matt and said… “That’s why I’m not going barefooted!” LOL

From: bowonly
Mountain caribou hunt. Just shot a P&Y bull. I pack the antlers back to camp. Guide says "We'll split that skull to fly it out". I say "THE HELL!". Guide says " P&Y and B&C changed that rule last year". Even the outfitter said the same thing when we got back to base camp. I ended up tipping everybody who touched those antlers specifically so they would not get split "accidently", but still worried the whole time. That was a well known outfit who had taken lots of bow hunters.

From: LINK
WV I’m not a hillbilly hater but I have a feeling you couldn’t carry this guys jock strap when it comes to hillbillieness. ;) Every state has a few of those special people though. Most of Oklahoma’s live very near the Arkansas border. Thank God I live in western OK.

From: wilbur
I guarantee you go, I guarantee you come back, and I guarantee you pay. Was my stock response every time a potential sport asked me about my "guarantees".

From: JL
While the guide and I were trailing my last big bear into the bush, I seem to recall asking him how fast he can run the hundred should we need to cut-n-run quickly. That seemed like a great question to ponder at that moment. I thought it to be wise not to be the slower of the two....just in case.

Got dropped off on the AK highway hunting sheep we took about two and a half days to reach our first sheep and got one the third day, since we could see the highway we decided to cut some time on our pack back and headed straight down, after a few cliffs and using a rope to lower our gear down I had had about enough and finally said this spot is two hairy for me that’s when my guide said man I could square dance in this stuff after that after chuckling we made it down safely.

On my mountain lion hunt in March the dogs ended up inside a mine shaft with a lion. After we finally got all the dogs called out my guide said he would go in and see if the cat was in place I could shoot him with my bow. He pulled out his phone and said, "Well if I'm gonna get ate by a lion I'm gonna get it on video." Then, after he took two steps into the mine I heard "OH SH!T" and he dove out. A split second later the cat jumped past him and I by 3 feet and ran down the mountain. We treed him again about 300 yards away.

From: Zim
Hunting antelope in Wyoming on a huge private ranch, we roll up to the gate and I call the guide’s cell as instructed. Dude with gravel in his voice answers and replies “holy smokes! You’re already there?! Gimme 15 minutes…” A little perplexed I hang up and tell my buddies despite us being on time we gotta wait a bit. This guide rolls up late to meet us extremely hungover/likely still drunk from what was apparently a helluva Halloween party the ranch had the night before back in town. We pile in one of the ranch trucks and he starts driving the two-tracks to find us some goats (this was more of a shoot than a hunt, buddies and I just wanted to punch tags on anything legal to get some meat in the freezer). Mr Hungover proceeds to tell us “I didn’t get much sleep boys but I’ll damn sure find you some goats, no problem”. At one point he belches followed by “oof, that one tasted like jagermeister…” He was clearly in significant pain but he was a trooper and damn funny. A few minutes later he stopped the truck stating “oh! there’s one…” and we all raised our binos to scan the same area he’s looking. A moment passes with us seeing nothing then he announces “Shit. Nope, that’s just a gas line sign”. He laughs to himself and mumbles something that sounded like “Christ, I’m hungover” then drops the truck into drive and we continue on. At this point my confidence is fading fast but I was laughing at his hungover mumblings so much I didn’t care. Fast forward 30 minutes and I’m out in the sage about to take my shot on a tiny goat and he’s sitting in the truck, leaning on the door with the window rolled down with his head in his hand covering his eyes mumbling “just shoot…”, clearly his hangover from hell had fully ramped at this point and he was ready to be done (I don’t think he was even looking at the goat when I shot). We eventually drop a couple of goats, cut ‘em up and get back to the main ranch house. We pay up and are about to roll out when the head cowboy/guide walks up to chit chat for a minute. After exchanging pleasantries with us he asks the hungover guide “who’s car is this?” pointing to a crappy little red hatchback parked out front. Mr Hangover replies “I dunno, woke up when these guys called me and just grabbed the nearest set of keys and hit the door.” Head honcho looks puzzled…”wait, how do you not know…you stole a car from the party to get here this morning?” Mr Hungover smiles and after pausing replies “just borrowed, I’ll take it back soon”. They both turn and smile telling us they hope we had fun and to come back next year if we want! I think those fellas were legit cowboys that happened to guide for the ranch on the side. We got some great antelope meat and quite a few laughs, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

ZIM that is hysterical!!! man some people are something else.

From: JohnMC
That almost sounds like it could be a scene from the bunk house on Yellowstone.

From: Rickm
Second Elk hunt of my life. 1993 just out of college. Bit the bullet on a guided rifle hunt in Montana. Second day we are driving up a 2 track and a raghorn is bedded 10 yards off the track. Guid says anyone want that bull to me and a partner I was paired with from Texas. I say no, Otis said yes. Steps out of the truck maybe 50 yards past the bull and kills it as it gets up. All legal but not pretty. The owner of the ranch says to the guide " I think that's the best bull we have ever killed". Now I am getting worried because it's somewhere between a spike and a 4 point.

Turns out they started laughing that it was the easiest pack out. We had the bull in the truck whole in 15 minutes!

From: GF
Young Cowhand: “You came home with quite a load on last night.”

Old Cowhand: “Yep. Reckon I oughtta made two trips.”

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