DanaC's Link
Some years back I watched two cops put three handgun rounds in a dying raccoon in the backyard behind mine, and knew instantly that neither one of them was a hunter.
We meet up for lunch at our parking spot and I see thislittle broke up spike in the back of his truck with a perfectly placed shot behind the front shoulder. We were only shooting “mounters” that week. I think to myself no way he shot that thing, maybe he hit it with his truck, but there’s not a scratch on his truck. About that time he walks up and says “did you see my hog there in the back?” And then proceeds to tell me the story.
Several years ago I was dispatched to a car deer accident - no injuries but the deer was still alive, laying in the ditch.
Upon arrival I met with a young couple (late teens, early 20's), driving an older van with hand painted strange pictures all over it. They both had gothic make up on - black around both eyes, black lipstick (real thick and over exaggerated), nose rings, eyelid rings, tongue piercing, etc., etc..
They said the person that hit the deer left and did not want it, could they have it. "Sure, I'll dispatch it and write you out a possession tag." She screamed that they wanted it alive so they could take care of it.
As I turned towards the ditch, I nicely advised them that wasn't going to happen and that I was not going to allow the deer to suffer any longer. The girl began to cry. I advised them if they didn't want to see what was going to happen they should look the other way and that I would help them load it in their van in a couple minutes.
They jumped in their van (she was still crying) and left.
3 guys are sitting in a bar having a few beers. They start talking about what their most painful experience in the world is.
The first guy was a carpenter, and he said, "For me, the most painful thing was hitting my thumb with the hammer the SECOND time!"
The second guy was a dentist, and he explained that, "The most painful thing in his opinion was drilling a cavity and hitting a nerve on someone who DIDN'T want to take Novocain! I've had them jump out of the chair!"
They all agreed that was pretty darn painful, and then the third guy, who was an old rancher, said this.....
"Well, I can for sure tell you what the SECOND most painful thing is. One time I was out riding fence, and the chili I had the night before was wanting to do a quick exit. I jumped off my horse and got my pants down just in time, but what I didn't know what that I'd squatted over a coyote trap. My plumbing hit the trap pan and it jumped up and clamped right on everything!"
The other guys winced and said, "WOW! That is unbelievable! But you said it was the second most painful thing. What could be more painful than that?!!?"
The old rancher took a swallow of beer, looked down at the table and said....."When I hit the end of that chain..."
The locals on each side cast him sideways glances, finally one speaks up "what brings you to these parts?" He replies "I'm a taxidermist heading over for a show in the big city".
After a while the hick asks "what's a taxeedermist?"
The guy replies "well, I mount animals."
The local elbows his buddy and declares "well heck, he's one of us!!"
Rick O’Shea
Because one more would make it "too fardy".
He says: "So what's bothering you?"
She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"
"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
Matt
You go on a head. I'll give these two a lift.
He was much bigger than I expected.
Paddy and Seamus are two brothers who farm together, and who decide to each buy a pig.
They get the pigs home, and start worrying about how to tell the pigs apart. So Paddy says, "It's easy. We'll cut the tail off my pig, and that way we'll be able to tell the pigs apart." So they do that.
The next day Seamus runs up and says "Paddy! Your pig bit my pigs tail off. Now we got two pigs with no tails! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart?!"
Paddy says "No problem, we'll cut an ear off my pig." So they did.
Next day Seamus runs up "Paddy!! Your pig bit my pig's ear off! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart?!"
Paddy says "Aw, we'll just cut the other ear off my pig." So they did.
Next day, Seamus runs up, "Paddy!! Your pig bit my pigs other ear off. Now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart."
Paddy says "I'll tell you what. You take the white one and I'll take the black one."
Dam
My uncle always like to work on projects in his garage but their was a small "ankle biter" dog kept coming in and would run off with a tool. He always kept the garage door open to facilitate a breeze.
The dog was sneaky and quick - several times my uncle, unsuccessfully, tried to catch it. He was a dog lover but became extremely frustrated. One day he waited for it and finally caught it.
He took an oil can ---- ((Some of you older guys will remember those old, small copper oil cans that had a long pointed end -- you used your thumb and could put a drop of oil exactly where you wanted it.)) --- and put some gas in it.
He put the point up the dogs butt and gave it a few good squirts of gas and let it out of his garage.
The dog ran in circles for a couple minutes, tipped over and just laid there.
One of the older guys wide eyed looked at me and asked if the dog was dead.
I told him, "No, it just ran out of gas"
DanaC's Link
Terry
1)
2)
Because, she was a woman!
The other 2 are sitting around the fire in elk camp the evening before opening day. Their 3rd buddy pulls up in his pickup truck. They are surprised "We thought your wife wouldn't let you join us this year?"
He replies "Well, I was sitting in front of the TV moping and my wife came into the room wearing a slinky outfit. She said 'tie me up and do whatever you want'....so here I am."
Turns out, there was nothing wrong with the adhesive. They found out people were spitting on the wrong side….
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper..."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first. "The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens sadly. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the really great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!”
BBB's Link
Passed his brother in the forest.
(NOT Bourque. What's wrong with this screwed up registration system??)
1forrest1
I don't believe him but that's his story and he is sticking to it
I did, indeed, write an autobiography. It’s entitled “Humility, and How I Achieved It”
Of course it was written under a ghostwriter.
Guy number two starts in, “My son owns his own sports car dealership and he’s so successful that he gave his best friend a new Ferrari”.
Not to be outdone, guy number 2 chimes in, “My son owns a company that designs and builds personal jets and he’s so successful that he was able to give one to his best friend”.
Guy number three stands up and says, “I’ve got you both beat. My son is an architect and he’s got a buddy that he likes so much that he designed and built a full scale castle and gave it to him”.
About this time, guy number one steps back up to the bar and they ask him what his son does. He unabashedly says, “He’s a male stripper for a gay bar”. The other guys look at each other and finally one of them says, “are you proud of that?” Guy number one says, “Of course I am, he’s doing great! He’s got three really good friends, one gave him a Ferrari, another gave him a jet, and the last guy gave him a castle!”.
A guy gets home late one night and walks in the house carrying a chicken under his arm. He steps in the living and sees his wife sitting on the couch. He says “Honey, this is the pig I’ve been screwing”. The wife looks up and says, “You idiot, that’s a not a pig, it’s a chicken”. The guy screams “ I was talking to the chicken!!”
