A golfer hits his ball off the 1st tee and the ball goes into the trees. He goes in to look for it and comes across a leprechaun out cold with a lump on his head and the ball nearby. The golfer gets a bottle of water out of his bag pours some of it over the leprechaun and wakes him up. The Leprechaun says "What happened where am I?" The golfer says "I'm sorry I must have hit you with my golf ball and knocked you out" The Leprechaun says "Well you've caught me you're entitled to 3 wishes" The golfer says "No that's ok I'm just happy you're ok" and walks away.. The Leprechaun thinks to himself what a nice guy not to take advantage of the situation. I think I'm going to grant him the 3 wishes I think he would have asked for 1. I'm going to make him a great golfer, 2. I'm going to give him as much money as he wants & 3. i'm going to give him a great sex life.
A year goes by and the same golfer plays off the tee and the ball goes into the trees. He goes in and finds the Leprechaun waiting. The Leprechaun says “I made your ball come in here. I wanted a word about how things are going. Tell me how's your golf game?" The golfer says "I'm playing the best golf of my life I could even turn professional if I wanted to". The Leprechaun says "And how are you for money?" The golfer says "It's unbelievable every time I put my hand in my pocket I come out with a €50 note I didn't know I had". The Leprechaun says "and how's your sex life?" The golfer blushes and mumbles something. The Leprechaun says "come on, I want to know if I've done a good job, how many times a week?" The golfer blushes again and says "once or twice" the Leprechaun says "What!!! I give you a gift of a great sex life and you're only getting it once or twice a week"!. The golfer says "That's not bad for a catholic priest in a small parish"
A couple was on the way to the church to get married and died in a car crash. When they hit the pearly gates, St. Peter confirmed them on his clip board and asked them if the wanted to enter heaven? Before they entered, they asked him if they could get married in heaven? He told them to hold on and he would go check.
Minutes turned to hours, and hours turned into days. Two weeks later St. Peter returned and told them yes, they could get married in heaven.
They then told him while they were waiting they wondered if they could get a divorce in heaven and asked him if that was possible? St. Peter hurled his clip board to the ground and yelled "it took me two weeks to find a priest up here, you think I will be able to find a lawyer?".
Three Newfies sitting in a little leaky rowboat jigging cod for supper when one hooks a tarnished old silver lamp. One fella starts rubbing off the crud and out comes a genie who offers them each a wish.
First fella looks down at the wooden dinghy and says. "I want to be on a huge yacht with gorgeous women and fine liquor!" POOF, he's gone.
Second fella looks back to shore at his old shack on the rocky ledges and says " I want to be on a tropical island with sandy beaches, sunshine and bikinis!" POOF he's gone.
Third fella looks around the empty boat and says "I'm lonely, I want me buds back wit me." POOF! POOF!
I just got a new property to hunt. It's an old cattle farm. The farmer said we could hunt the farm anytime. He said he had 97 head of cattle out there and asked me if I could help him round them up. I said sure 100
A farmer was setting on his porch early one morning and a kid was walking down the dirt road in front of his house and he had something under his arm. The farmer said hey boy what do you got there? The boy said chicken wire. The farmer said what are you going to do with that? The boy said I’m going to catch me some chickens. The farmer said boy don’t you know you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire. The boy just keeps walking. That evening the boy walks back by and the farmer sees that he has 4 chickens with him and he just scratches his head. The next morning the farmer sees the boy walking by again with something in his hand and he said hey boy what do got there. The boy said duck tape. The farmer said what are you going to do with that. The boy said catch me some ducks. The farmer said boy don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duck tape. The boy keeps walking. That evening the farmer sees the boy walking back by with 6 ducks tangled up in the duck tape and he just scratches his head. The next morning the farmer sees the boy walking by and he has something else in his hand. The farmer said hey boy what do you got there. The boy said a pussy willow. The farmer said hang on boy let me get my hat.
A prospector was up in the Yukon, panning for gold. He was running low on provisions, so he decides to head into the outpost to replenish his supplies, etc. He gets there and cashes in his gold dust. He gets his supplies and decides he needs a drink, so he heads to the saloon. He walks in and says to the bartender... “give me a whiskey! I ain’t had a whiskey in 5 years”! Bartender pours him a drink and he drinks it down. He looks around the saloon and asks... “you got any women in here? I ain’t been with a woman in 5 years”!
Bartender tells him...”No women here.” Says “we got old Joe in the back, though.” Prospector says.... “I don’t go for that kind of crap!” and heads back to his camp.
He’s out there prospecting for another 5 years and is running low on supplies again, so he heads back to the outpost. Cashes his gold in, gets his supplies, and goes back to the saloon. Walks in and says... “bartender! Give me a whiskey! Ain’t had a whiskey in 5 years!” Looks around and asks...You got any women in here yet? I ain’t been with a woman in 10 years!”
Bartender says...“No, but we still got old Joe in the back”. Prospector says...”I told ya! I don’t go for that kind of crap!” He drinks his whiskey and heads towards the door. He stops, thinks for a few seconds, and turns around and asks the bartender....“not that I’m interested, but if I WAS, how many people would know about it?” Bartender says..... “let’s see” 1,2,3,4,5...There’d be five people”. Prospector can’t believe it!... “FIVE”??!! Who the hell would the 5 people be that had to know about it?”
Bartender says...”well, there’s me, you, Joe.......and the two guys holdin Joe down....He don’t go for that crap either”!!!!
A guy is walking down a beach and finds a bottle. H looks the bottle over and uncorks it. Out pops a genie. The genie thanks him for letting him out and grants him one wish.
The guy thinks it over and says, I love riding my Harley and I'd love to be able to ride it ti Hawaii. The genie thinks it over and responds - But that would require a lot of the Earths resources, do you think that's a wise choice?
The man thinks a bit and says, Ok. I love my wife dearly but can't really understand her. Can you make it so that I can completely understand my wife's moods, feelings and emotions? The genie thinks a bit and then replies - that highway, did you want 2 lanes or 4?
Bob finally agrees to go duck hunting with Todd from work, who's been bragging steady about his new retriever. First duck hits the water and the dog leaps out of the boat, then walks on the water grabs the duck and returns, feet barely wet! Now Todd has a big grin on his face and Bob is a bit disgruntled to admit that was pretty special. Another duck, another top of the water retrieve and again and again. Todd is becoming insufferable!! Finally Bob yells at Todd.........
...."I don't know why you think that dog is so damn good! He can't even swim!!!
A guy walks into a psychiatriast’s office, wearing absolutely nothing, but wrapped head to toe in clear plastic wrap. The shrink looks up from his desk and says” I can clearly see your nuts.”
Pirate walks into a bar, very agitated and with what looks like a steering wheel stuck on his crotch. Bartender asks: “ is that really a steering wheel?”
Looking around kinda crazy like the pirate responds “Arrhh, and it be driving me nuts!”
Charlie is walking down the street and sees his friend Bob. How's it going Bob? he asked. "Don't call me Bob call me Lucky. Did you hear about that passenger train derailment that killed 25 of the 30 passengers? I'm one of the survivors." Charlie sees his friend two weeks late and says how you been Lucky? "Don't call me Lucky call me Lucky Lucky. The airliner that crashed and killed 135 people, two survivors, your looking at one of them!" Two more weeks pass and Charlie sees him again and responds, hey Lucky Lucky how you been? "Call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!" Now what happened?, Charlie asked. "Well the other night me and the old lady were having sex and the neighbor that lives in the apartment underneath ours was practice drawing his bow and bumped the release and the arrow came up through our floor, through the bed and took my ball clean off!" Charlie says, I'm not sure I would feel all that lucky if I had my nuts cut off by an arrow. His friend responds, "Well had it went off 10 seconds sooner it would have got me square between the eyes!"
A guys walking down the sidewalk and beside the sidewalk is a 10 foot tall wooden fence. Behind the fence is the asylum where all the nuts are. He hears them chanting, 13,13,13,13, but he can't see over it to see what's going on. He keeps walking and they keep chanting and then he sees a knothole in the fence. He steps up next to the fence and puts his eye up to the hole and POW, he gets poked right in the eye by some nuts finger. Falling backwards, he begins to rub his eye when from inside the fence he hears crazy laughter and the chanting starts up again, 14,14,14, 14 and so it goes.
Three strings walking down the street on a hot day and decide to stop in a pub for a beer.
Bartenders looks at them and says dismissively, "We don't serve strings in this bar, get lost!".
Back on the street one of them says, "I want a beer and I'm getting one!" He puts a quick half hitch near his top end, then frizzles all the strands above the knot. He them strides confidently back into the bar and says, "gimme a beer."
Bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "saay....ain't you one of them strings I just threw out?"
A guy is driving his car by an insane asylum. Suddenly his right rear tire comes off. He stops to look at it and sees that all the lug nuts have come off. He's sitting there pondering what to do next, when one of the asylum inmates standing at the fence watching offers a suggestion....
"Why don't you take your lug wrench and take one lug nut off each of the other tires and then use them to fasten on the one that came off?"
"Hey, that's a great idea!" the guy replied. He then went about doing just that and when he was finished and about to drive off, he thanked the inmate and asked him,
"You know, if you could figure that out so quick, then why are you in there?"
"Well", replied the inmate, "I'm crazy, not stupid!"
"How is it that our people name their children?" a young Indian boy asked his father. "Well, it is our tradition that when a baby is born, the mother names the child after the first thing she sees after giving birth. It is considered good luck. That is how your sister got her name, Little Fawn....and your brother, Running Bear. But tell me, why do you ask me that question, Two Dogs F--king?"
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and tells the doctor "I'm losing it....one minute, I think that I'm a teepee, the next minute, I think that I'm a wigwam......I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam.....I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam..... The shrink calmly says "Relax, you're two tents (too tense)".
Two Southern Illinois farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:.........Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a deep muddy bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor on the farm. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys already in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tossing the rope to the horse and tying the other end to the rear of the bike, the chicken drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse before the farmer returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
So what's the moral of the story? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
A family practice doctor is interviewing a new receptionist.
He asks her, "Here's a scenario: I've just finished seeing a patient and he comes out to see you to pay his bill. Suddenly, he drops dead. What do you do?"
She thinks for a minute and says, "I come get you, then call 911."
"No," he says with a disappointed look on his face.
"Ok, I call 911 and then come get you."
"No," he says again looking a little more indignant.
"What you do," the doctor says, "Is you grab him by the ankles and turn him around 180 degrees so that it looks like he was walking in, not walking out."
A farmer decides he needs a new, young rooster to service all of his hens. He takes a ride over to a neighboring farmer who has a lot of roosters to pick one out.
His neighbor says, "I got just the rooster for you. He's the horniest bird I ever did see."
On their way back to the farm he says to his new rooster, "Boy, I got a lot of hens and it's gonna be up to you to service them all. I hope you're up to the task."
When they pull into the farm, the new rooster is out of the truck before it even stops. He starts mounting hen after hen running around and humping at a blinding speed. The farmer stands in awe and knows he made himself a good choice in this little rooster.
A few hours later, the farmer looks out of the barn to check on his new stud rooster and the little guy has moved on from his hens and is now trying to mount the turkey, hogs, cows and even the old sway backed mare!
The farmer runs out and grabs the rooster and says, "You're doing a great job but you gotta slow down and stick to the hens. You're going to keel over dead if you keep up at this pace."
The farmer heads back into the barn to continue his chores and looks out again a few hours later to check on his rooster. He spies him laying motionless in the middle of the barnyard with a pack of buzzards circling overhead and figures he must've humped himself to death. He shakes his head and walks out to gather him up form the barnyard.
When the farmer gets to the rooster he looks down at his lifeless body and says, "I told you to slow down all that non-stop humping was going to kill you."
Just then the little rooster peeks one eye open, looks up to the sky at the circling buzzard and whispers to the farmer, "Shut up you idiot and get lost, they are about to land."
This is a very old one : Joe had been going out with Cindy for a while. He was in a romantic mood and he leaned over and whispered in her ear "Cindy, Will you marry me" She quickly said yes. Joe sat silently for a long moment. Cindy finally prompted him. She said Joe, Aren't you going to say something ? He blurted out I think I said too much already.....
When you look up at a V formation of geese flying overhead why is one side of the V always longer than the other? ...don't think I'll give you the answer right now...
On a flight from Europe the planes engines started on fire. The pilot flew the plane and it crashed on a beach. The plane was in pieces and bodies and parts everywhere. Police and ambulances arrived at the crash site.
Amazingly one old women was walking down the beach unharmed, yelling Tonio, Tonio. A police officer asked her if he could help. I'm looking for my husband Tonio.
What's he look like
Has brown curly hair and a mustache.
The officer looks down and there is a head with brown curly hair and a mustache. He holds it up and asks. Is this your husband Tonio.
She says, looks like Tonio but he wasn't that tall.
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."
A guy is hitch-hiking with his dog and a guy pulls up and offers a ride. Guy says I will give you a ride but the dog cannot get in the truck. Guy hitch-hiking says thats Okay the dog will run alongside. Driver says you must be nuts we are on a major highway. "Its okay lets go!! says the hitch hiker. The driver takes off and sppeds up to 20 mph. So where is the dog now? Hitch-hiker says right alongside us!!! Driver speeds up to 30 mph, "ok where is he now?" Hitch hiker says rightalong side of us!! Driver is now upset saying no way, so he speeds up to 70mph and says OK NOW WHERE IS HE?? Hitch-hiker says right alongside. Suddenly the driver slams on his brakes and leans over and looks out the window, to his amazment the dog is right alongside the truck. Driver says I will be damned there he is, but what is that pink thing around his neck?? Hitch-hiker says Oh thats his A-hole he is not used to stopping so fast!! Shawn
What deep thinkers men are...I mowed the lawn today, and, after doing so, I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said "Nothing". The reason I said that instead of saying, "Just thinking", is because she would have said, "About what?". At that point, I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
A man was sitting at a bus stop eating a hamburger while waiting for the bus to come by. Along came a woman with a small yappy dog. The dog kept staring at the man's hamburger and would start yapping every time the man took a bite.
The man looked towards the woman, hoping she would quiet the dog. Another bite, another yap yap yap. The man looked over at the woman again, no response.
Another bite, another yap yap yap, and again no response from the woman.
Finally the man was down to his last bite. He turned to the woman and asked "do you mind if I throw him a bit?" The woman replied "not at all."
The man proceeded to pick up the dog and throw him over a nearby fence.
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stroking his face with both hands. "Actually no"..he replied. "Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say... "Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."
Couple were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary by walking on the beach at the coast. They were both 60 years old. Came upon a half buried brass object in the sand. Pulled it out it was the proverbial magic lantern. So he starts cleaning it up and my wife in the sand off the side out pops the genie. Look at the man and tell him you got one wish. Man says I’d like my wife to be 30 years younger than me. Puff! Genie made him 90 years old! Moral of the story is be careful what you ask for.
Country boy visits the city and walks into a bar. First thing notices a beautiful blonde at the other end texting away on her phone. He's pretty taken by her already and asks the bartender to send her another of what she's drinking for him.
Bartender tells him not to waste his time and money on her, you don't have a chance because the bartender knows she's a lesbian. Country boy says I don't care, send her a drink for me anyway.
She gets the drink with the bartender explaining who it was from..... she glances his way but doesn't pay much attention,goes back to texting. He gets up, walks over and sits down next to her to strike up a little conversation....
These 4 golf buddies are in a van on their way to their weekly golf outing when they get in a wreck and they all die.
They get to the gates of Heaven and St. Peter informs them.....
"Well guys, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven is really full right now so you will be sent back down to continue living. Now the bad news is that your bodies were all burned up in the wreck, and the only bodies we have available are female bodies. You can either go back as women, or stay in purgatory until we have room here."
One of the golfers asks, "Understood St. Peter, but can we four discuss the options for a bit?"
"Of course you can", replied St.Peter.
The guys huddle up and after minute or so they ask......
"St. Peter, we've decided that we'd like to go back down as women. BUT, we want to know if we could be lesbian women?"
St. Peter looked a bit puzzled, and replied......
"Well yes, you can go back as lesbians, but I have ask, WHY?"
"You see, it would be the best of both worlds for us", explained the golfer, "We could still have sex with women, and we'd get to hit from the forward tee."
Three guys are sitting in a bar have a few beers. One was a dentist, another a carpenter, and the third a rancher. They got into a discussion about what the #1 most painful physical experience was.
The dentist said that, "In my experience, the most painful thing has got to be when I'm drilling a person's tooth and I hit a nerve. I've had people pass out from the pain!"
The carpenter replied, "Well, as much as I agree that hitting a nerve is a VERY painful thing, I'd have to say that for me, the #1 most painful thing is hitting my thumb with my hammer...the SECOND time!"
They all agreed that was indeed a very painful experience. Then the rancher piped up....
"Well, I can tell you all what the SECOND most painful thing is for sure."
"The second?", they asked.
"Yes", said the rancher, "The second. A few years ago I was riding fence, when I was suddenly aware that I had an extreme urge to empty my bowels. I got off my horse, dropped my drawers as fast as I could and squatted down. What I didn't realize was that I had squatted over a coyote trap, and as soon as my privates touched the trap pan, it jumped up and grabbed me good."
The dentist and the carpenter were stunned, "OMG!!! That's horrible! But how in hell is that the second most painful thing? What on earth could be more painful than that???"
The rancher just winced and said....."When I hit the end of the chain!"
