A golfer hits his ball off the 1st tee and the ball goes into the trees. He goes in to look for it and comes across a leprechaun out cold with a lump on his head and the ball nearby. The golfer gets a bottle of water out of his bag pours some of it over the leprechaun and wakes him up. The Leprechaun says "What happened where am I?" The golfer says "I'm sorry I must have hit you with my golf ball and knocked you out" The Leprechaun says "Well you've caught me you're entitled to 3 wishes" The golfer says "No that's ok I'm just happy you're ok" and walks away.. The Leprechaun thinks to himself what a nice guy not to take advantage of the situation. I think I'm going to grant him the 3 wishes I think he would have asked for 1. I'm going to make him a great golfer, 2. I'm going to give him as much money as he wants & 3. i'm going to give him a great sex life.
A year goes by and the same golfer plays off the tee and the ball goes into the trees. He goes in and finds the Leprechaun waiting. The Leprechaun says “I made your ball come in here. I wanted a word about how things are going. Tell me how's your golf game?" The golfer says "I'm playing the best golf of my life I could even turn professional if I wanted to". The Leprechaun says "And how are you for money?" The golfer says "It's unbelievable every time I put my hand in my pocket I come out with a €50 note I didn't know I had". The Leprechaun says "and how's your sex life?" The golfer blushes and mumbles something. The Leprechaun says "come on, I want to know if I've done a good job, how many times a week?" The golfer blushes again and says "once or twice" the Leprechaun says "What!!! I give you a gift of a great sex life and you're only getting it once or twice a week"!. The golfer says "That's not bad for a catholic priest in a small parish"
Why are Baptists not allowed to have sex while standing up?
People might think they're DANCING! ;-)
Because, if you just take one, he’ll drink all your beer!
Because it could lead to dancing.
Minutes turned to hours, and hours turned into days. Two weeks later St. Peter returned and told them yes, they could get married in heaven.
They then told him while they were waiting they wondered if they could get a divorce in heaven and asked him if that was possible? St. Peter hurled his clip board to the ground and yelled "it took me two weeks to find a priest up here, you think I will be able to find a lawyer?".
First fella looks down at the wooden dinghy and says. "I want to be on a huge yacht with gorgeous women and fine liquor!" POOF, he's gone.
Second fella looks back to shore at his old shack on the rocky ledges and says " I want to be on a tropical island with sandy beaches, sunshine and bikinis!" POOF he's gone.
Third fella looks around the empty boat and says "I'm lonely, I want me buds back wit me." POOF! POOF!
A ‘Roman’ Catholic.
Bartender tells him...”No women here.” Says “we got old Joe in the back, though.” Prospector says.... “I don’t go for that kind of crap!” and heads back to his camp.
He’s out there prospecting for another 5 years and is running low on supplies again, so he heads back to the outpost. Cashes his gold in, gets his supplies, and goes back to the saloon. Walks in and says... “bartender! Give me a whiskey! Ain’t had a whiskey in 5 years!” Looks around and asks...You got any women in here yet? I ain’t been with a woman in 10 years!”
Bartender says...“No, but we still got old Joe in the back”. Prospector says...”I told ya! I don’t go for that kind of crap!” He drinks his whiskey and heads towards the door. He stops, thinks for a few seconds, and turns around and asks the bartender....“not that I’m interested, but if I WAS, how many people would know about it?” Bartender says..... “let’s see” 1,2,3,4,5...There’d be five people”. Prospector can’t believe it!... “FIVE”??!! Who the hell would the 5 people be that had to know about it?”
Bartender says...”well, there’s me, you, Joe.......and the two guys holdin Joe down....He don’t go for that crap either”!!!!
The guy thinks it over and says, I love riding my Harley and I'd love to be able to ride it ti Hawaii. The genie thinks it over and responds - But that would require a lot of the Earths resources, do you think that's a wise choice?
The man thinks a bit and says, Ok. I love my wife dearly but can't really understand her. Can you make it so that I can completely understand my wife's moods, feelings and emotions? The genie thinks a bit and then replies - that highway, did you want 2 lanes or 4?
...."I don't know why you think that dog is so damn good! He can't even swim!!!
Looking around kinda crazy like the pirate responds “Arrhh, and it be driving me nuts!”
Bartenders looks at them and says dismissively, "We don't serve strings in this bar, get lost!".
Back on the street one of them says, "I want a beer and I'm getting one!" He puts a quick half hitch near his top end, then frizzles all the strands above the knot. He them strides confidently back into the bar and says, "gimme a beer."
Bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "saay....ain't you one of them strings I just threw out?"
String replies " Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A guy is driving his car by an insane asylum. Suddenly his right rear tire comes off. He stops to look at it and sees that all the lug nuts have come off. He's sitting there pondering what to do next, when one of the asylum inmates standing at the fence watching offers a suggestion....
"Why don't you take your lug wrench and take one lug nut off each of the other tires and then use them to fasten on the one that came off?"
"Hey, that's a great idea!" the guy replied. He then went about doing just that and when he was finished and about to drive off, he thanked the inmate and asked him,
"You know, if you could figure that out so quick, then why are you in there?"
"Well", replied the inmate, "I'm crazy, not stupid!"
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:.........Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Then you're a queer... "
They’re both purple, except the elephant.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
So what's the moral of the story? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
He asks her, "Here's a scenario: I've just finished seeing a patient and he comes out to see you to pay his bill. Suddenly, he drops dead. What do you do?"
She thinks for a minute and says, "I come get you, then call 911."
"No," he says with a disappointed look on his face.
"Ok, I call 911 and then come get you."
"No," he says again looking a little more indignant.
"What you do," the doctor says, "Is you grab him by the ankles and turn him around 180 degrees so that it looks like he was walking in, not walking out."
His neighbor says, "I got just the rooster for you. He's the horniest bird I ever did see."
On their way back to the farm he says to his new rooster, "Boy, I got a lot of hens and it's gonna be up to you to service them all. I hope you're up to the task."
When they pull into the farm, the new rooster is out of the truck before it even stops. He starts mounting hen after hen running around and humping at a blinding speed. The farmer stands in awe and knows he made himself a good choice in this little rooster.
A few hours later, the farmer looks out of the barn to check on his new stud rooster and the little guy has moved on from his hens and is now trying to mount the turkey, hogs, cows and even the old sway backed mare!
The farmer runs out and grabs the rooster and says, "You're doing a great job but you gotta slow down and stick to the hens. You're going to keel over dead if you keep up at this pace."
The farmer heads back into the barn to continue his chores and looks out again a few hours later to check on his rooster. He spies him laying motionless in the middle of the barnyard with a pack of buzzards circling overhead and figures he must've humped himself to death. He shakes his head and walks out to gather him up form the barnyard.
When the farmer gets to the rooster he looks down at his lifeless body and says, "I told you to slow down all that non-stop humping was going to kill you."
Just then the little rooster peeks one eye open, looks up to the sky at the circling buzzard and whispers to the farmer, "Shut up you idiot and get lost, they are about to land."
....... well the rest of the joke will have wait until Joe can find his way out.
Amazingly one old women was walking down the beach unharmed, yelling Tonio, Tonio. A police officer asked her if he could help. I'm looking for my husband Tonio.
What's he look like
Has brown curly hair and a mustache.
The officer looks down and there is a head with brown curly hair and a mustache. He holds it up and asks. Is this your husband Tonio.
She says, looks like Tonio but he wasn't that tall.