Supposedly a true story.....Our county sheriff's dept gets a call a deer has been hit by a car on an rural road and the deer is suffering,...needs to be put out of its misery. A new Deputy is dispatched to do so. He arrives at the scene and sees a small deer standing in the ditch looking like it had had better days. He draws his weapon and dispatches the deer with a single bullet between the eyes. Then the motorist who hit the deer points and says,..."Why'd you do that? The deer I hit is laying over here!"
Reminds me of when I was 16. I was out checking my trap line and came across some older girls I went to school with. They had just hit a buck with their car and brokerage bucks back. They were all like we have to do something. I got my 22 rifle out and put it to the deers head, got back in the truck and left. They were just like what the heck just happened.
Buddy of mine was driving out to bowhunt with me a few years back during the first week of November. As he’s driving out to our spot a spike chasing a doe runs across the road and directly into the side of his truck. Deer rolls into the ditch and is loudly bleating and squalling. Oncoming vehicle stops and a man and woman get out. They are both sipping on coffee and are shocked by the deers distress and loud bleating. The woman loudly exclaims “well do something for the poor deer.” My buddy gets his bow out of the back seat and sticks an arrow right behind the front shoulder. The woman shrieks “not that!!!” and runs back to the vehicle. Her husband shrugs his shoulders and helps my buddy throw the deer into the back of his truck.
We meet up for lunch at our parking spot and I see thislittle broke up spike in the back of his truck with a perfectly placed shot behind the front shoulder. We were only shooting “mounters” that week. I think to myself no way he shot that thing, maybe he hit it with his truck, but there’s not a scratch on his truck. About that time he walks up and says “did you see my hog there in the back?” And then proceeds to tell me the story.
Buddy of mine is a state tropper. He's not an outdoorsman. The first call he got to dispatch an injured deer he wound shooting 7 times in the body. He said the driver of the car was yelling at him to shoot it in the head
An elderly couple is celebrating their 50th anniversary by going out to dinner. Since they are both in their 70's, they have hearing loss and talk rather loud. They are sitting at their table, and have just finished their meal. The old man says to his wife "Hey, you want to go back to that field where we had sex for the first time, and celebrate our 50th together?" His wife says "Sure, let's do it." Unbeknown to them, a younger couple sitting at an adjacent table, couldn't help but overhear this entire conversation. Since they are just finishing their meal as well, the young guy says to his girlfriend "Are you in the mood to watch some 70 year old porn?" The girlfriend laughs and say "Heck yeah, let's do it!" The younger couple waits for the older pair to leave, pays their bill, and then leaves. They discreetly follow the elderly couple that has driven way out in the boondocks. They watch as the old couple holds hands as they walk across this big field. When they get to the fence at the far edge of the field, grandma hikes up the back of her skirt, and grandpa gets behind her. As soon as they make contact, grandpa becomes a sex machine....and for thirty minutes, this younger couple is amazed as this elderly pair is rocking the world. Eventually, the old couple collapses on the ground. The young woman says "My God, I think they're dead!" The young guy says "No, I can see them breathing." After a few more minutes, the old man finally gets up, helps his wife to her feet, and they hold hands as they start to return to their vehicle. The young man, so impressed with the old guys virility, tells his girlfriend that he has GOT to learn the old man's secret. He gets out of the vehicle and proceeds to start walking across the field. As he approached the older couple, he asks the old man if he can speak to him in private. The old man leaves his wife, and walks over to the young man. The young man admits that he and his girlfriend had watched the entire encounter, and he wanted to know what the old man's secret was, for such endurance at his age. The old man looks down at the ground with an "Aw shucks" kind of look on his face, and says to the young man....."Fifty years ago, that fence wasn't electric."
Several years ago I was dispatched to a car deer accident - no injuries but the deer was still alive, laying in the ditch.
Upon arrival I met with a young couple (late teens, early 20's), driving an older van with hand painted strange pictures all over it. They both had gothic make up on - black around both eyes, black lipstick (real thick and over exaggerated), nose rings, eyelid rings, tongue piercing, etc., etc..
They said the person that hit the deer left and did not want it, could they have it. "Sure, I'll dispatch it and write you out a possession tag." She screamed that they wanted it alive so they could take care of it.
As I turned towards the ditch, I nicely advised them that wasn't going to happen and that I was not going to allow the deer to suffer any longer. The girl began to cry. I advised them if they didn't want to see what was going to happen they should look the other way and that I would help them load it in their van in a couple minutes.
They jumped in their van (she was still crying) and left.
Been in this situation a few times with banged up deer minus that many spectators, had a small spotted fawn once and figured I would just choke it out with my boot. Little S.O.B. kicked me in the chin so hard I had a tiny hoof print tattooed on me for a week.
3 guys are sitting in a bar having a few beers. They start talking about what their most painful experience in the world is.
The first guy was a carpenter, and he said, "For me, the most painful thing was hitting my thumb with the hammer the SECOND time!"
The second guy was a dentist, and he explained that, "The most painful thing in his opinion was drilling a cavity and hitting a nerve on someone who DIDN'T want to take Novocain! I've had them jump out of the chair!"
They all agreed that was pretty darn painful, and then the third guy, who was an old rancher, said this.....
"Well, I can for sure tell you what the SECOND most painful thing is. One time I was out riding fence, and the chili I had the night before was wanting to do a quick exit. I jumped off my horse and got my pants down just in time, but what I didn't know what that I'd squatted over a coyote trap. My plumbing hit the trap pan and it jumped up and clamped right on everything!"
The other guys winced and said, "WOW! That is unbelievable! But you said it was the second most painful thing. What could be more painful than that?!!?"
The old rancher took a swallow of beer, looked down at the table and said....."When I hit the end of that chain..."
In high school I was taking my girl on a date when we found a horribly busted up deer in the ditch. She was sobbing that I had to do something to help it. I told her I would move it somewhere more safe and comfortable. I moved it just out of sight where I pulled out my pocket knife & mercifully ended her suffering. I went back to the car & told her the deer was going to be just fine. The rest of the night went well.
Paddy and Seamus are two brothers who farm together, and who decide to each buy a pig.
They get the pigs home, and start worrying about how to tell the pigs apart. So Paddy says, "It's easy. We'll cut the tail off my pig, and that way we'll be able to tell the pigs apart." So they do that.
The next day Seamus runs up and says "Paddy! Your pig bit my pigs tail off. Now we got two pigs with no tails! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart?!"
Paddy says "No problem, we'll cut an ear off my pig." So they did.
Next day Seamus runs up "Paddy!! Your pig bit my pig's ear off! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart?!"
Paddy says "Aw, we'll just cut the other ear off my pig." So they did.
Next day, Seamus runs up, "Paddy!! Your pig bit my pigs other ear off. Now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we gonna tell these two pigs apart."
Paddy says "I'll tell you what. You take the white one and I'll take the black one."
I'm telling a group of guys a story that my uncle told me many years ago:
My uncle always like to work on projects in his garage but their was a small "ankle biter" dog kept coming in and would run off with a tool. He always kept the garage door open to facilitate a breeze.
The dog was sneaky and quick - several times my uncle, unsuccessfully, tried to catch it. He was a dog lover but became extremely frustrated. One day he waited for it and finally caught it.
He took an oil can ---- ((Some of you older guys will remember those old, small copper oil cans that had a long pointed end -- you used your thumb and could put a drop of oil exactly where you wanted it.)) --- and put some gas in it.
He put the point up the dogs butt and gave it a few good squirts of gas and let it out of his garage.
The dog ran in circles for a couple minutes, tipped over and just laid there.
One of the older guys wide eyed looked at me and asked if the dog was dead.
True Story: I am going to college have a couple exchanges with a full blown PETA member that has done the whole march stuff in New York etc. She is on her way into school, she drives, and hits a doe. She is trying to sooth it, as it flails and paws at her. State Patrol officer arrives on the scene and tell her to step aside so he can dispatch the deer. She proceeds to assault the officer. He cuffs her, lays her ion the grass in ditch, turns around and shoots the deer twice. She then proceeded to jail and had to post bond. Great times in class the next while. In speech class she got up and left as I explained how effective broadheads where in causing blood loss and hemorrhaging. I had made a board with a hole in it surgical tubing stretched across it. Then I demonstrated its slicing ability and how this led to quick death. She left very upset and sick.
Another true story. I worked with a guy that was about 20 yr's older than me. We'd visit about various things from time to time & the subject of the prostate exam came up. Anyway, I think I said, "have you ever had a Dr. stick his finger up your rear end & check your "thing""? His response was classic, and I quote, "Yes, but I didn't like it"! I doubled over laughing.
3 guys always got together for an annual elk hunt. As fall approached they got together and began planning for their trip. One of the guys says "sorry, my wife won't let me go this year."
The other 2 are sitting around the fire in elk camp the evening before opening day. Their 3rd buddy pulls up in his pickup truck. They are surprised "We thought your wife wouldn't let you join us this year?"
He replies "Well, I was sitting in front of the TV moping and my wife came into the room wearing a slinky outfit. She said 'tie me up and do whatever you want'....so here I am."
You’ve probably heard this one, from my Alaskan buddy;
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper..."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first. "The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens sadly. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the really great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!”
When I was in the Navy, I was going to a school for my equipment specialty (Fire Control Radar system) in San Diego. There was a master chief (E9) that was taking the class along with us. Obviously he was the class leader. First day of class, he gets up front and said his name was Master Chief Richard Holden and if there were any snarky or disrespectful comments about his name, the malefactors would suffer unimaginable professional discomfort. How we all kept a straight face I still don’t know to this day. Fear I expect.
Two nuns from a foreign land fly into New York,the first time visiting our country.While going through the airport one says to other “I heard they eat dogs here,well if they do we should try it while we are here.They both agreed.As they were exiting they come across a hot dog stand so they both ordered a dog.As they begin eating them one says to other “Which part did you get “Good luck all Lewis
Four guys sitting at a bar shooting the breeze. As the conversation turns to their kids, guy number one excuses himself to go to the restroom.
Guy number two starts in, “My son owns his own sports car dealership and he’s so successful that he gave his best friend a new Ferrari”.
Not to be outdone, guy number 2 chimes in, “My son owns a company that designs and builds personal jets and he’s so successful that he was able to give one to his best friend”.
Guy number three stands up and says, “I’ve got you both beat. My son is an architect and he’s got a buddy that he likes so much that he designed and built a full scale castle and gave it to him”.
About this time, guy number one steps back up to the bar and they ask him what his son does. He unabashedly says, “He’s a male stripper for a gay bar”. The other guys look at each other and finally one of them says, “are you proud of that?” Guy number one says, “Of course I am, he’s doing great! He’s got three really good friends, one gave him a Ferrari, another gave him a jet, and the last guy gave him a castle!”.
I’m a horrible joke teller but I do have one more.
A guy gets home late one night and walks in the house carrying a chicken under his arm. He steps in the living and sees his wife sitting on the couch. He says “Honey, this is the pig I’ve been screwing”. The wife looks up and says, “You idiot, that’s a not a pig, it’s a chicken”. The guy screams “ I was talking to the chicken!!”