The owner told him, "He is the meanest, biggest, baddest man you will ever see! You stay here and tend bar and when Devil Dave comes in, you give him whatever he wants! If you're lucky, he'll only drink a half dozen bottles of whiskey and will leave without shooting you"
Not long after everybody left, through the batwing doors came a huge man riding on the biggest Brahma bull the barkeep had ever seen. He shot a couple of holes in the ceiling as the bull bucked and bellowed. He jumped off the bull and yelled, "Give me a bottle!" With shaking hands the bar tender set a bottle on the bar along a glass. The man knocked the glass off the bar, pointed his gun at the greenhorn and yelled again, "I said a bottle, I don't need no glass!" He bit the neck off the bottle and drained it in one gulp.
He yelled "Another bottle!" Bit the neck off this one and downed it the same way. He then jumped on his bull and headed for the door.
The bartender shakily asked, "d...d...don't you want another?"
The man answered, "Are you crazy? Devil Dave's on his way to town, I'm out of here before it's too late!"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
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America!
Thumbs Up Jack.
On a drunken bet when I was stationed down in Texas, I climbed in a cow, and that Adrenalin rush took me for almost 2 more years riding on bulls from Amarillo, TX to Yuma, AZ and lots of small towns/farms along the way. Was mostly people that just wanted to have fun, no money was ever made, but lots of beer and tequila were drank. I was fortunate to be able to “walk” away with the help of my company commander. He found out what I was doing on my time off and put an immediate halt to it. Sure was fun while it lasted.
I never wanted to ride bulls, but did think about being a clown at one time. Too slow and old now. ;)
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"
Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"
After I assured him that he had done a terrific job and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. You must be a Democrat, shove it up your ass and cool off!"
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!"
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
I was fortunate that my early education was in the Detroit Public School system when it was considered one of the best in the entire country (how much it has degraded in the past 50 years!). We had a course in grade school (no junior highs then) called "General Language" which introduced us to the foreign languages taught in the high schools (Latin, Greek, French, Spanish, German, Polish, Russian, Japanese and Chinese). Basic greetings, counting, etc.
Never realized the value until I became supervisor of the transplant lab at MSU as the directors would get printed copies of scientific articles in their original languages (no Internet those days). One of my tasks was to review the articles and forward them to the post docs working in the lab that applied to their research. Now many foreign scientific terminology were obvious, my grade school education kicked in. I had a number of foreign language dictionaries on my desk, and was able to read much of the research papers. First time in my life that I became aware of the value of my early grade school education.
Thanks for the memory trip.
jack
Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down."
Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?"
Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks."
A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
I should add that this story is obviously not true since an entire army could drink sodas in the time it would take for a county worker to dig a hole 2-3 feet deep unless they were doing it with a high dollar piece of machinery. In that case only half of the army would have time to finish their drinks.
