Bowsite.com

Many humorous (and unsympathetic) suggestions but I really liked this one.

"Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg is looking to the world for suggestions as to how she can re-cross the Atlantic after next month’s U.N. climate summit in Chile was unexpectedly scrapped. The 16-year-old made it from Sweden to California by yacht, train and electric car before Chile’s government announced it was canning the summit because of political unrest in the South American nation."

Examples of honesty over sympathy.

"You are 16. By now you should know not to go anywhere unless you have a ride home."

"It's the end of the season. Pool noodles are on sale. Buy a bunch and build a raft."

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

This is a photo of my clock after the time change :-)

Somebody raised this kid right. I would love to be one of her teachers.

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

"4th husband?" he exclaimed, "How many husbands have you had anyway?

She smiled and answered, "Three."

Peeing on my flowers . . .

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everyone pays." Wink

Dear Lord:

The years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author - Tom Clancy And now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are: Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Maxine Waters, and Elizabeth Warren.

And I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Tom Steyer, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's former mayor, Rahm Emanuel.

Amen.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...

2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese..............FINE, it was a pizza...I ate a pizza …

3. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some Meat.

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

5. I don't mean to brag but…I finished my 14-day supply of diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it...when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented…I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70…I learn something new every day…and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night…He started searching for money…so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I need a Crown…I said, “You bet, pour mine over rocks”.

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

The Insurance Company Asked For a Simple Drawing of the Accident

Stilton's Place: worth a visit every MWF...and be sure to check out Johnny Optimism.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile !

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the liberal Democrat Congress person you are holding underwater.

See it worked. You're smiling. You feel better already.

"This powerlifting 82-year-old grandma made an intruder regret breaking into her home"

"“I took that table and I went to working on him,” she said. “And guess what? The table broke.”

Unphased, Murphy said, she used the metal legs of the table to keep hitting him."

"At that point, the police arrived in response to Murphy’s earlier call.

“So they come in,” she said. “He’s laying down already because I had really did a number on that man. I’m serious.”

The man was put in an ambulance. Murphy thinks he was probably relieved to be out of the house.

“I think he was happy when he went in the ambulance because I sent him in the ambulance. Yes, I did.”"

It was in my bedroom when I was growing up. His parents were building the house when he brought it home. They put it in the basement (full shoulder mount) and couldn't get it out after the stairs were finished.

I measured it at 350 net. It wasn't very wide, but was quite heavy with impressive brow tines of 17-18". The last point on the right side had been broken sometime during growth and was polished smooth at maybe 6" if I remember correctly.

The thieves (1998) took the antlers and left the rest of the mount which after almost 50 years in a basement wasn't in great shape.

The fact that my little sister decided it needed a haircut probably didn't help much either. We never saw it on a wall because the ceiling wasn't tall enough for that. Dad wanted to donate it to an Elks club, but never did because we couldn't get it out of the basement.

"Got some good pics of him today! The story I have with this deer is amazing.

The icing on the cake was finding his sheds from the previous year. I found one in March, and the other just 3 days ago walking to my tree stand stepping on it in the black of night! Guess the stars do align every now and then!"