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So one day, Momma Pea and Daddy Pea took Baby Pea to the side of the road to show the youngster how to cross. Daddy Pea spoke first – the important thing is to look left, look right, and look left again and, if no traffic can be seen, it is safe to cross. I’ll show you – Daddy Pea looked left, looked right and looked left again and, since no cars were visible, he rolled across the road to the other side.

Once Daddy Pea was safely across, Momma Pea spoke up. Now remember Baby Pea, look left, look right, and look left again and, if no traffic can be seen, it is safe to cross. Like this - Mommy Pea looked left, looked right and looked left again and, since no cars were visible, she rolled across the road to the other side. Now with Mommy and Daddy Pea on the other side of the road, they waved their Pea Arms and motioned for Baby Pea to cross the street.

Baby Pea had listened intently to the Momma Pea and Daddy Pea’s directions. So, he looked left, looked right, and looked left again and, seeing nothing coming started to cross. But as soon as he started, a car appeared - Momma Pea and Daddy Pea were frantic and started to holler but Baby Pea knew what to do - and he quickly rolled back to where he had started and was, once more, safely on the side of the road.

Momma Pea and Daddy Pea were quite relieved and again, noticed no traffic in the roadway and motioned for Baby Pea to come over. So, he looked left, looked right, and looked left again and, seeing nothing coming, rolled off to cross. Baby Pea was rolling along nicely but, being a Baby Pea, he took longer to roll across than his parents. When he was halfway across, a speeding semi started to bear down on him. Momma Pea and Daddy Pea were screaming with terror to roll faster and Baby Pea gave it all he had but alas, the semi ran him over and squashed him flat.

Horrified, Momma Pea and Daddy Pea rushed to his side, folded him up and called 911 for Pea EMS. They arrived in minutes and rushed Baby Pea to Pea Hospital where he was immediately taken to the Pea Emergency Room.

Momma Pea and Daddy Pea clutched each other tearfully and prayed mightily for a miracle for Baby Pea. Soon, Doctor Pea came out of the treatment room, soaked in sweat from his exertions.

Momma Pea, Daddy Pea, I have good news and bad news. The good news is Baby Pea will live. Momma Pea and Daddy Pea were overcome with joy and hugged each other and jumped up and down.

Finally, Daddy Pea asked, “Oh, what’s the bad news?

Doctor Pea said “He’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

This his comment on it "Proof positive that my ancestors were rednecks. Found this in an envelope of old family pictures. I think this must be the return home of my Dad and his brothers from a fall hunt."

We only lived about three hours from Denver and the weather would have been cool, but my first thought was "No wonder people thought that venison wasn't that good to eat."

Forget ‘Michelle for President’

Phillipsburg Kansas Dispatch of Sept. 1, 1887

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

fter a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard of temperatures in the Arctic zone.

Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.

Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coast cities uninhabitable.

I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2 , 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post 96 years ago. This must have been caused by the Model T Ford’s emission or possibly from horse and cattle farts......

An oldie but a goodie!!!

Things that make you go hmmmmm...

2020: No Schiff November

Soon-to-be Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has just debuted a fresh, new, youthful countenance which is pure nightmare fuel. In perhaps the least-subtle plastic surgery we've ever seen, Hillary appears to have had silicone breast implants crammed into her cheeks - making them bloated and disquietingly smooth when framed by her heavily wrinkled face.

Although to be absolutely fair and journalistically responsible, we don't know that Hillary had plastic surgery done. We suppose it's possible that she took out her teeth to pleasure her husband ("Is it okay if I think of Monica?") and he got so carried away with slamming her face that her air bags deployed.

FWIW: Stiltons Place is published every MWF. Be sure to check out Johnny Optimism, too.

Pretty accurate synapses from the kid, I might add!

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Nebraska and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Nebraska rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

The Elves had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way, way down.

Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was now getting even more depressed.

What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his whiskey and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. So, deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of coffee all over the floor. Now he really was ticked off!

He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the broom’s bristles. At that moment there was a knock at the front door. Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.

“Good Morning, Santa.” She called. “Isn’t it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it beautiful? Where would you like me to stick it?”

And that is why, by tradition, we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees!

Little known fact, all Christmas songs are based on "Let It Snow"

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you”

Saint Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”