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1. The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is

coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There

is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push-button 301. I will

buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with

your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit

my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my

elbow? ........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty-handed?" -------------

2. Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the

family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I

wan' you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so

you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex

watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna

have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of

bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with

another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

-----

3. The Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,..... but all men...are men!

In this photo he is saluting his mother in whose honor he wrestled. Reports were that there wasn't a dry eye in the arena.

Biden "I am the only candidate who can beat Ronald Reagan."

For Henry:

"A 21-year-old man from Ohio delivered on a promise he made five years ago, much to his older sister’s chagrin, when he brought a llama to her wedding.

Mendl Weinstock, middle, rented the llama, named Shockey, for $400 from a farm near Cleveland. It stayed outside the wedding hall for about 30 minutes, taking pictures with guests.

Mendl Weinstock, 21, brought a llama, complete with custom tuxedo, to his sister’s wedding on Sunday. He rented the llama, named Shockey, for $400 from a farm near Cleveland.

The llama stayed outside the wedding hall for about 30 minutes, taking pictures with guests.

A photo of Mendl, his unamused sister and the llama racked up more than 150,000 upvotes when the college student posted it to Reddit. That made it the top overall post this week.

“I was not too thrilled. I think my face in the picture pretty much wraps it up,” Riva Weinstock, the bride, told CNN.

The gag started five years ago when Mendl Weinstock says his sister was talking endlessly about her future wedding during a car ride with friends, despite the fact she wasn’t dating anyone at the time. So, he blurted out that if he had to go, he was bringing a llama with him.

When Riva Weinstock got engaged in October, she called her brother with the happy news. Not even an hour later, she received a text that said his llama rental was confirmed.

“It was so worth it. I mean, it was worth it just to see her reaction, but it’s been more worth it now that I’ve gotten all this internet fame,” Mendl Weinstock told CNN.

Riva Weinstock says her brother definitely made her wedding memorable, and she’s already started planning her revenge, possibly to be enacted at Mendl’s college graduation.

“I’ve definitely started planning my revenge,” she told CNN. “He should sleep with one eye open.”

Link is definitely worth a look.

...and probably true elsewhere.

Culled from the internet...

compiled from the internet—

What idiot called it a step-dad and not a faux pa?

What idiot called it insomnia and not resisting a rest?

What idiot called it a dick pic and not a prickture?

What idiot called it hereditary depression and not blue genes?

What idiot called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

What idiot called it Jet Skis and not Boater Cycles?

What idiot called it a penis and not a scrotum pole?

What idiot called it Arby’s Sauce and not Arby Q Sauce?

What idiot called it hiring a hitman and not a takeout order?

What idiot called it Friends With Benefits and not Homiesexuals?

What idiot called it a Breathalyzer and not a Litness Test?

What idiot called it Chronic Diarrhea and not Reruns?

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated. The teacher said, Well that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the world "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”

The teacher sat down and cried.................

Fast forward to this weekend. Son in law knows that story. We were over there visiting my granddaughter (have I mentioned Maggie had a baby last Wednesday?), when Aaron was holding his daughter and said, "I will never leave the toilet seat up with you here." Maggie says, "I am glad to hear that now, it's about time." Aaron replied, "Oh, I was talking to Zoe not you. Your bottom is big enough now you don't have to worry about falling in anymore."

I fear for the boy's life.

• If a mentally-ill dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

• Some how It’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

• Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.

• It was cool for Joe Biden to blackmail the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.

• Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.

• Sexualizing children is bad, but 11-year-old drag queens are good.

• Illegals aren't required to show ID, but citizens can't buy cough medicine without it.

• Citizens are fined if they don’t buy their own health insurance, and then they are forced to buy it for illegals.

• People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.

• Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing people in restaurants is virtuous.

• People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.

• Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

• Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.

• $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care for illegals is not.

• If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

• Politicians who say that the President is not above the law put illegal immigrants above the law.

• People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

• Illegals don’t pay taxes, but they get tax refunds.

• We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.

• Voter suppression is bad, but not allowing the President to be on the ballot is good. • Fourth-of-July parades are bad, but parades of women dressed as vaginas are good.

• Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

• criminals are catch and released to hurt more people but stopping them is bad

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

Ebola wasn't Obama's.

Sars wasn't Bush's

and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's

"To the person who stole 4 industrial rolls of toilet paper from the police department lobby restroom, we hope you really needed it, and aren't trying to sell it.

We'll go ahead and answer your questions:

Yes -- this is real

No -- we're not pressing charges

This is a really hard time for a lot of people right now. That doesn't excuse crime, but we as a society have to come together and help our neighbors in their time of need now more than ever.

We know there are a LOT of people in Riley County doing just that. We want to hear about it! Post in the comments below something GOOD that has happened this week. We need to spread some positivity!"

An answer from the neighboring Junction City department:

Junction City, Kansas Police Department We still have some Toilet Paper if you need some?

Response from Riley County:

RileyCountyPD Is this what you meant when you said, "we have your back?"

The woman in the back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

“My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

“What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow."

Don’t you just love a story with a happy ending?

looking forward to trump / biden debates, should be a hoot...respirators and all

Instead of kids, many of the main draggers tonight are people who remember doing it in the 50's 60's and 70's.

This a photo from our main street this evening. It looks like the turnout was quite good. It was even live-streamed on the Internet until at least 11:30 tonight. At 9:30 they said that traffic was like this from 27th to 3rd street. Apparently 3rd street was the traditional turn-around back in the day. 27th would have still been a country road at that time. The old traditional turn-around has been removed.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday for a look at the new 2020 F-150.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.

I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing a 'RESIST' lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

"I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round!"

I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.